Here again so soon?

Tonight I should be writing my 'learning journal' - yep, homework from my counseling course - every week I have to journal about the day, it is, perhaps, the reason why I don't write here very much any more and, like this blog, it shows huge personal growth since September when I started it.

I look back - a bit of a speciality of mine(!) - and realise how far I have come in 12 months - more so since September, but perhaps it all started with the short course I enrolled on last April?

It's been a huge emotional roller coaster of a ride, and though I think I'm through the worst now I often get a little tearful during the sessions and a bit more of me is revealed, raw and hurting, bits I have kept for some time.

Yet we all have these bits and the wonderful journey that I have travelled has helped me recognise and acknowledge them and begin, only just begin, to move on. So although I've been learning about counselling others, I have learnt far more about myself - but that is to be expected from these sorts of courses, or so I've been told.

I look back now with self knowledge that has been hard fought for and wonder if I'd have made different choices if I'd been aware - in the past - of what drives me? But in the same instant I am grateful for constantly moving forward and I have no regrets - how lucky is that?!

So the household carries on in its shambolic fashion; Tall Girl has around 40 days left of her education and has stalled a little. 14 years of hating school; getting her through the last few days is proving a challenge!

Small Sprog is upstairs in his room, on Skype, or something similar, singing to a load of girls from who knows where? I can hear him, his rendition of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody left a lot to be desired! As he screams to a halt somewhere around the Beelzebub bit I shout up the stairs for him to stop before he wakes the baby two doors down - he has a lovely voice but his pub singer impression is not his finest moment. It's taken him 2 hours to do his math homework in all the chaos that is his room, somehow he seems to be doing well at school!

The cat is still with us, in body if not in mind - he has dementia and mostly is quite lost but we do our best and he hangs on determinedly to this life rather than moving on to the next with dignity.

And on we go, rubbing along together, life is good, really very good in fact and time is precious; my babies are not babies anymore but beautiful big bright beings who light up my life and make me a lot of work all at the same time. Here we are, 5 years in, we have found our normality and it's better than I imagined.

Today I am grateful

Looking forward and not back

The future, such a slippery thing yet, it continues to flow undisturbed through time and with it we flow too, not knowing what it holds. We have hope and dreams, sometimes, and sometimes we are so afraid to voice them, even to ourselves, that we appear to chose unconsciously; or do you believe in fate?

But once the goal is named, how I want to race towards it at full speed; reckless, or so I'm told. But somethings have to wait and in the meantime I worry that the goal may never be reached - apocalyptic scenarios play in my head and separate me from the final point - though that point in itself is a new beginning. I am working towards positive thinking, it doesn't come easy but we are all making plans and slowly, very, very slowly (I hope - for I still cannot write this with entire certainty in case it some how it puts a curse on the future) as we make tentative plans, everything slowly becomes to feel a tiny bit more possible. All it takes is trust and a willingness to be vulnerable.

If things go to plan it may be the escape from suburbia I have always dreamed of since writing here.