So, we are sitting at the dinner table, we are half way through our meal and the previous conversation has come to a natural end when Small Sprog pipes up 'Can I have a duckling?' Tall Girl and I cast a glance towards each other and, gently spluttering, I try not decorate the dining table with the meatballs which I am suddenly unable to swallow! I remind him that only last week he wanted a puffer fish; I sent him away to do research. After that he wanted a bearded dragon - this was a definite 'no' as I had a sudden vision of it scampering across my bed in the middle of the night; then he wanted a gecko -these are cute but I reminded him that the cat would probably eat it as much as look at it and so we came to an impasse.
Right now we are all in the sitting room; Small Sprog is shooting things on his Xbox (sound turned down, phew), Tall Girl is making the final touches to her Art coursework. We have worked our way through some musical greats on youtube - things that I am surprised they know all the words to - and whilst singing along, very loudly, Small Sprog breaks off on occasion to shout at an alien or two. I wonder if this is normal? I have to admit that, despite the noise, I'd rather we were all in one room than dispersed in separate rooms on different screens.
Small Sprog had a panic attack last week. It brought back horrible memories (probably for both of us) and though I am not one for praying, I think I may have sent out a little wish that it was a one off and not the onset of his full on anxiety.
I think our weekend went well towards putting an end to his distress. We spent Friday night with my partner and his 2 youngest. The children, actually I should say young people, (and I cross my fingers whilst writing this) get along like they've known each other for years, they didn't really need us adults around!
I'm still not sure how the last year has worked - I feel like it's too good to be true and that it will all be taken from me in a moment and that that moment is only around the corner. Weird how we sometimes can't let ourselves be happy - do you do that too?
Monday, April 27, 2015
Wednesday, April 01, 2015
School holidays - sometimes things don't change...
...which is lovely and reassuring.
We decided not to go anywhere in the holidays, partly because Small Sprog won't fly and partly because I don't have any spare cash! I'm glad we didn't go anywhere in the uk - which would have been our only option - as the weather's been rubbish. So here we are at home, and although not very exciting it has been like going back years.
Tall Girl and I used to cook and bake together in the long school holidays. They always felt long back then because I was with them all the time and often their dad worked for a good bit of it, so it was me and them - comfy and easy together.
So yesterday, when I baked the second sticky toffee pudding of the week, a vivid memory came to mind of cooking, all those years ago, with Tall Girl when she wasn't so tall. I distinctly remember her standing on a small stool, siring the pan of hot, sticky caramel on the stove top, a little cautious because she's scared of hot things - it only feels like yesterday. And now, today, we cooked together - it's hard to admit but she is taller than me and she bakes a mean scone! It felt restorative, happy, comfortable, right and so good I want to cry. I'm so very grateful to have her still here with me, she has grown beautiful and we rub along well together.
We have shared so much. We are close. I have always thought that from the day she was born it was like an invisible bit of elastic held us together. She never got lost, she was too scared to venture very far, and sometimes I found this hard. I am older now and maybe wiser and I treasure every moment - perhaps it is because I can see the end? So when we were looking at baby photos the other night together, I realised that I don't think I loved her enough when she was little. I had post natal depression but I'm not sure it was all to do with that - I was not a natural mother. I loved her, very much but I was too busy and maybe not entirely happy. But now, especially now, I am getting to know her as an adult. I like what I have met, a different person to what I expected to come out of that small and scared little thing and I love her with all my heart.
So do I have enough love for another few children in the mix? If things go to plan - and who knows? - there will be another 3 in the mix, albeit one who is too old to live at home.
On Monday I was with Tall Girl and Gee, my partners eldest, having our nails done as a treat for his birthday! "I thought I'd hate you!" She told me
"I thought you'd hate me too" I said
we laughed together and the nice lady in the nail bar couldn't believe - when my partner and son appeared - that we weren't already a family. Later the youngest turned up - just 15 - with her cousin and so we were 7 for lunch. She was right the nail bar lady- it did feel very much like we were already a family, and a happy one at that.
I'm pretty sure I have enough love left - I am blessed
We decided not to go anywhere in the holidays, partly because Small Sprog won't fly and partly because I don't have any spare cash! I'm glad we didn't go anywhere in the uk - which would have been our only option - as the weather's been rubbish. So here we are at home, and although not very exciting it has been like going back years.
Tall Girl and I used to cook and bake together in the long school holidays. They always felt long back then because I was with them all the time and often their dad worked for a good bit of it, so it was me and them - comfy and easy together.
So yesterday, when I baked the second sticky toffee pudding of the week, a vivid memory came to mind of cooking, all those years ago, with Tall Girl when she wasn't so tall. I distinctly remember her standing on a small stool, siring the pan of hot, sticky caramel on the stove top, a little cautious because she's scared of hot things - it only feels like yesterday. And now, today, we cooked together - it's hard to admit but she is taller than me and she bakes a mean scone! It felt restorative, happy, comfortable, right and so good I want to cry. I'm so very grateful to have her still here with me, she has grown beautiful and we rub along well together.We have shared so much. We are close. I have always thought that from the day she was born it was like an invisible bit of elastic held us together. She never got lost, she was too scared to venture very far, and sometimes I found this hard. I am older now and maybe wiser and I treasure every moment - perhaps it is because I can see the end? So when we were looking at baby photos the other night together, I realised that I don't think I loved her enough when she was little. I had post natal depression but I'm not sure it was all to do with that - I was not a natural mother. I loved her, very much but I was too busy and maybe not entirely happy. But now, especially now, I am getting to know her as an adult. I like what I have met, a different person to what I expected to come out of that small and scared little thing and I love her with all my heart.
So do I have enough love for another few children in the mix? If things go to plan - and who knows? - there will be another 3 in the mix, albeit one who is too old to live at home.
On Monday I was with Tall Girl and Gee, my partners eldest, having our nails done as a treat for his birthday! "I thought I'd hate you!" She told me
"I thought you'd hate me too" I said
we laughed together and the nice lady in the nail bar couldn't believe - when my partner and son appeared - that we weren't already a family. Later the youngest turned up - just 15 - with her cousin and so we were 7 for lunch. She was right the nail bar lady- it did feel very much like we were already a family, and a happy one at that.
I'm pretty sure I have enough love left - I am blessed