Almost daily diary!

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

What is Love?

Its hard to find the right person to marry, dont you think? They have to be Mr. Right. We have an ideal in our head, a happy ever after, a picture of what love really is. Or do we?

Looking back I realise that:

A. He wasnt that difficult to find and 

B. That must be because he never was…‘Mr Right’ that isNor the one after that or the one after that. 

Yep, youre right, three times; its what they call the hope of triumph over experience’ or in other words, in my case, stupidity! Yet they have been part of my patchwork of life and all taught me something about myself, the world, human nature and what we call love. 

We wander through the world, in our insecure attachments, meeting others of the same ilk, wanting connection, love’ and companionship (if it lasts long enough). Are we/ am I a serial monogamist, philanderer, or needy? Ive asked myself so many times, my mother has used all those phrases for me in no uncertain terms more than once and friends, who Id prefer to call acquaintances, have looked on in disapproval and I hear them sigh not again” under there breath with subsequent frequency. Yet here I am again, on my way to another divorce court

Looking back, the most stable part of my life was with my second husband. He is the father of my children, not addicted to anything (alcohol and porn being the preference of others) and we made a stable home for as long as we could together. The other day my daughter commented that we had gone full circle, shes possibly right; I had answered the door to him, when he came to pick up my son, with nothing but a towel wrapped around me and a shower hat on my head (not even one of the flowered variety but a cheap one taken from a hotel somewhere along the line). He looked shocked for a second before coming in for a cup of tea proclaiming well, Ive seen it all before I guess!. We sat and chatted for 40 mins until I realised the die on my hair was only supposed to be on for 10 and had such horrific thoughts that it might just come away with the shower cap that I had to excuse myself. Yes, it felt good (especially when the hair was still intact) no really, I love his company. And yes, I only meant him to be a good friend when I met him 24 years ago and yes, I slept with him on the first date - maybe thats my perennial mistake. But he remains a good friend and I have two wonderful childadults’ to boot.

So the reason for this post is to look back and look forward, as I do here. A grand total of three husbands, 2 with alcohol problems  (why didnt I learn the first time) and a lovely man who should have been my best friend - that is the glance behind. But looking forward is less obvious, how to do it differently next time? Dont get married again I hear you scream! Well, I think you possibly have a point.

And as I prepare to leave my third husband in a few weeks time - the house is purchased but the divorce is in the distance - I wonder why he still tells me he loves me and wants to hold my hand in the street? I shrink from his touch on a daily basis and we have been in separate rooms for what seems like forever. The thought of sharing a bed with him disgusts me, yet once I liked it enough to think Id be with him forever. What happened to that? He seems to think we still might keep it together, even whilst living apart and that it might be the making of us. This has made me feel guilty more recently because I know I will never want to sleep with him again and the distance in my heart is far too great to build a bridge across to him now.

However, yesterday things shifted. I borrowed his IPad, his Gmail was open and I could see he had a match. On further inspection I discovered hes been on match.com for at least a monthFFS. So Im left wondering what the word love’ actually means to himWhat is it he wants from me? And why am I not angry? I guess I know the answer to that last one, I dont love him anymore and its very definitely time to move on.

4 comments:

Maggie May said...

Oh...... I'm really sorry. I didn't realise.
I know someone else really close to me who has the same problem.

My advice to you (myself included)..... stay in charge of your own life. No need for anyone else.
Enjoy your freedom and go it alone. You are strong.
Maggie x

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

Perhaps we really need to be happy with ourselves and not expect that a partner will validate our existence. It doesn't help that our "child-adults" now have their own lives and we have to deal with empty nest syndrome as well.
On the plus side, I can do what I want, within the confines of ensuring pet care...and I have all the available wardrobe and cupboard space, and can go out 3-4 nights a week pursuing indulgent occupations like quizzes and choir and movies and games of Cards against Humanity and varied dinners... and not worry about whether a partner will enjoy them, or object. I was reading some online dating profiles and although amusing, by the end of it I knew that it was not acceptable for me to watch certain things on tv, like musicals, have pets or not enjoy motorbikes - and I just can't be arsed being told what to do anymore.... so although there is a romantic thought of finding a male forever friend, I don't know If it will ever happen again. And thats ok. I can handle it....
I hope your new house brings peace... and some genuine self-appreciation :)

Liz Hinds said...

Oh, Sub, I'm so sorry to hear all this. You seemed so happy before. The week after this when the children are back in school I'll have some more free time; perhaps we can make a date?

Graham Hunt said...

So sorry to read this - I hadn't picked up the vibe on your other social media but then I've not been very attentive and anyway ... I'm often useless at that stuff.

Good luck with the next chapter