Schools out.......

....and they're fighting already! Well, not badly. It just takes a while for them to settle into the holidays, the change of routine and being together most of the time. Big sister tries to be bossy, small brother does his best to resist. The dynamics are different in the holidays, it takes a while.....

Anyway, we are packed and almost ready to go.

I have a very small car, so it will be full to the brim, I hope it doesn't mind!

Tall Girl, Small Sprog and myself are off to Shropshire with our very good friends.

We are all excited, I think it may rain, but we really don't care!

If you see us en route, we may look a little like this....

I will miss all my bloggy friends. See you next weekend.

Byeeeeee!

Moving on

At 10.20pm on Tuesday night I realised it was dark. I realised that those wonderful long summer evenings, that I spend all winter looking forward to, are on the wain. Where did they go? Have I wasted them? (There are a few that I know I have not.)

I had felt a bit chilly all day, despite spending much of it in the kitchen cooking and cold in bed later. On Wednesday I searched out my slippers and put an extra cover on the end of the bed. What happened to the promise of a lovely summer? I am still waiting. I don't want summer to end before it's really begun, I don't want the seasons to move forwards, I don't like the dark.

Husband has been away all week and isn't due home until Sunday night, I am off on holiday with my children on Monday, so the timing is impeccable, well almost, wish I was going on Sunday night! The benefits of him being away are many; I have, at last, felt comfortable, relaxed and free in my own home, we can eat at any time, I have entertained friends in the evening, I can go for a wee in the night without 'covering up', I don't need to hide my mail, and so much more! The children don't seem to have missed him.

While I was ironing today, listening to some tunes that brought back memories, I wondered when exactly I stopped looking forward to Husband coming through the door at the end of the working day? When did he stop noticing me? When did I stop smiling at him in the morning?When did he start dismissing my opinions? When did we stop enjoying each other?

Is it inevitable in a relationship where you devote most of your time to bringing up your children? Was it inevitable anyway? Should I have worked harder?

No regrets, just unanswered questions.

My Hero (I am your mother!)

I had a snuggle in bed with a very sleepy Small Sprog this morning, he was hugging his monkey.

"I'm hugging my monkey too!" I said to him

"I'm not a monkey" He retorted "I'm Luke Skywalker"

"Then you are my Hero" I smiled

"I am good at Mario Kart" He said, starting to run with the idea "So I bet I'd be great at flying a spaceship"

"I bet you would" I said

"And I could battle monsters with the sword in my wardrobe........and with the insides of a toilet roll"

Hmmm, not sure what Luke would think of that idea!

Later, at breakfast time he came downstairs and into the kitchen, where he began to line up his dinosaurs on the breakfast table.

"We only had two Dinos for breakfast yesterday" I stated

"Four now" He said "Double"

Some maths concepts are sinking in then.....

I turned my back to sort out the cereals

"MUM!" Shouts Tall Girl

"What is it?"

"Small Sprogs doing rude things with his dinosaurs"!

Just another normal moment in suburbia!

House or Home

The Estate Agent came round yesterday to value the house, a process necessary for the divorce proceedings. This is the second agent to come. Apparently prices are rising around here because of supply and demand. The agent I saw today usually has around 30 to 40 houses on his books, currently he has 12 and houses are selling quickly. Things may start to move faster than I have anticipated. Once on the market it may only take weeks to sell, I had assumed much longer. When things finally get moving, it will be quite a shock to the system.

However I still don't know if we have to sell the house yet, I still don't know if we, the children and I, will be 'allowed' to stay here or if we will have to sell the property for a settlement. The latter is more likely.

I don't really know what I want to happen, which is good really as I have no say in any of it. I have never been very fond of this house. It was never a place that I wanted to live, but at the time it was reasonable and big enough, so we bought it. However if my children and I can stay here it gives them a great stability when all else around them is changing. That is a good reason to stay. But for me, I would love a new start. Somewhere to call my own, though it would never be anywhere near as big or 'suburban', it seems a long time since anything has been my own. I want to make a happy home, though I can do that here too can't I? But this house will never feel like mine, it has never really felt like home.

It's all in the jeans........

Yesterday I wandered, as if by accident, into the Next Sale. I'll just have a quick look, I thought to myself, I don't really need anything, and I absolutely hate sifting through all the jumbled rails, elbows akimbo! However, before I knew what had happened, all of a sudden, I was in a changing cubicle with a multitude of sale items, their brightly coloured swing tickets advertising 'Half Price' and suchlike. Gosh, how did that happen? Funny how 'autopilot' sometimes just kicks in.

Seeing as I'd got that far, I thought I ought to try the stuff on, it would have been silly not to wouldn't it? I mean, it's not very often that there is a plethora of size 12 long jeans for the taking. It just had to be done.

Now buying jeans is not one of my favourite things to do in the world, it comes second to buying a bra, which can be a right pain in the....... (and I'm not going into details here but Liz knows what I mean, click her name for the post, if you have never experienced a 'fitting'.) So I eyed the selection with suspicion, because although they all said they were 12L, that didn't necessarily mean that any of them were going to fit.

Of course if none had fitted I would have been justified in taking such a large a armful into the changing room with me, but seeing as they all fitted, well what was a girl to do?

Hmmm, what would you have done?!

Feeling better!

Today I watched children (not mine) perform their end of term play. They were fab and the tears of laughter were rolling down my face by the end of the performance. There's nothing like a belly laugh to cheer you up. Sometimes I really do love my job!

Then, my solicitor rang and I had a chat through things with her. I feel there may be a small light -though just a pin head for now- at the end of the very long tunnel, so that's good. And she said I don't need to do the list of possessions as comprehensively as I'd thought, which is thankful because I just couldn't get my head around that task.

Lastly, my lovely friend and mother of two and I, with Small Sprog and Tall Girl are going to go on holiday together. I have just booked it! It's not far and not for long but its a great thing to look forward to. Yay!

I am very lucky to have good friends. I am thankful.

What are you looking forward to?

Extremes

It has been a strange week, full of lovely pleasures. However reality has it that there are always lows to match, after all, one can't go along on one big high forever, it would be exhausting besides anything else.

So this afternoon I am enduring a low.

I have just waved goodbye to my two lovely children. They are off for a long weekend to Cornwall with Husband and his family, they are excited and want to go to the beach.

I had 10 minutes precious time with them, between picking them up from school and saying goodbye as they left with their Dad. It wasn't enough. I hugged them and squeezed them and told them how much I love them. I fussed around them, making sure they had remembered the things they might need. Did Tall Girl want her favourite and most comfy pants? Did Small Sprog want to wear shorts or trousers, did he need his dragons?

I hugged them again (not the dragons)

I gave Small Sprog a little tube of bubble mixture as he departed, he was blowing bubbles out of the car window as they reversed off the drive. I smiled a big smile, waved with both hands and then blew kisses, wishing that the bubbles would last forever.

They have gone now, my babies and the bubbles. I put on a pretty good show I think, they will never know I am crying inside.

Oh Look! I've got one of these...

And one of these!

Thank you to Hadrianas treasures and Amy (sorry it took me so long Amy, well I don't think I've passed it on yet anyway!)

Feel free to award yourselves bloggy mates, I can't choose, you are all lovely!

Another Sprogism

On the sofa this evening with Small Sprog:

"Sit up a bit to eat that, or you'll get it all over you" I say, as he tries to eat yogurt semi horizontal.

"I hate it when you are more sensible than me" He retorts!

Now what does that say about my parenting skills, I ask you?!

Hope you all had a great weekend? It's nearly the school holidays you know!

It's Friday! Yay!

I have just phoned my mother, she was tipsy, I could hear my step father rabbiting away in the background and belching!

It was only 4pm!

"What are you celebrating?"I asked her.

"I can't remember" She giggled

"What are you drinking?"

"Cheap champagne!" Slurring slightly

"Any left?" I asked

"Not much"

Say no more!

There is something about being over 70 that seems to make drinking in the afternoon more acceptable, don't you think?!! Honestly, the older generation..........

Alien Attack!

I have, or perhaps I should say, had one of these living on the side of my bath. Small Sprog is a bit frightened of it and I have to admit it does look a little prehistoric. When I first saw it I thought it was an alien being that might fly upstairs in the night and slip into my ear while sleeping in order to take over my brain and turn me into......... But then, sometimes I can be a little over dramatic! I don't suppose anyone here would notice if I turned alien anyway!

Tall girl walked into the bathroom as I was getting out of the shower this morning. "That bug's done a poo" She exclaimed, and walked back out again. Bug detritus removal, that'll be my job then!

This evening, when I walked into the bathroom to help Small Sprog clean his teeth, there was a mushy black mess on the floor.

"WHAT is that?" I semi screamed to Small Sprog

"The bug" He said, looking sheepish!

I'm an android, get me out of here!

I have realised that all my children need is an android mummy! One that is programmed to say the following at the appropriate time:

Sit up to the table properly.

Please pick up the clothes from your bedroom floor.

Text me at 3pm not 3.30 while I'm driving.

You only need to text me if you need to change arrangements, not just to make sure I've remembered them!

Did you give in your home work?

If you don't give in your homework today you'll get detention!

Use your knife and fork.

List of things I've done (the android could have done) today.

Hoovered downstairs and up

Dusted downstairs

Made 6 jars of jam

Made lunch for Mum

Sewed on one button, one badge, mended one pair of trousers and two t shirts

Tided Small Sprogs room

Attempted to tidy Tall Girls room and then thought 'What the hell, let her do it herself!'

Googled ladybird Larvae

Washed

Ironed

Cooked roast dinner

Washed the kitchen floor

Cleaned the downstairs loo

See? An android could do all that perfectly well!

I'm off.........

No Longer Blue

OK so it wasn't that bad! It turned out to be quite a nice weekend actually, some bits were perfect in fact, and my bathroom is very clean, which is a bonus! When I wrote my last post though I was feeling a bit low, but whoever it is that looks after me these days (besides all of you, thank you for your comments) gave me a nudge and quite by chance a girl friend came to call. She is indeed a great friend, one to which you can tell everything, know it is heard, understood and not repeated.

She comes with her own baggage though, poor thing, but then again, which one of us doesn't? She was sadder than me, and I hope that I listened well and helped her feel better. She brought all her children, and I had 3 here already. Who couldn't fail to be cheered up by all the jolliness around?

Today my solicitor told me that I must list all that I want to keep from this house. She means everything. It is a daunting task, I really would rather not do it. Somethings are sentimental, things that I have had as gifts from friends and family. I love all my books, photos, saucepans!! Looking around me now, I can't imagine writing it all down. I don't want what is not mine to keep. We have been together 15 years, married 14 a week last Wednesday, the house is full, how can I choose?

PS. Husband just entered the room and sat down.

"I'm getting fed up with hearing Micheal Jackson" He said

"I'll turn it down so that only I can hear it then!" I replied

Nothing changes.

Weekend Blues

I feel a bit jittery today. It could be lack of sleep, but I think it's more a state of mind. This weekend is stretching far ahead of me and I can't get to grips with it! When I feel like this the only remedy is the company of friends, only that is like running away from myself. Today I am trying to be strong and not run away. Anyway, I have to be here for my lovely Small Sprog.

I have had a happy morning with my children and now Tall Girl has gone out to do more face painting at a church hall and Small Sprog has one of his best friends here to play. I feel quite alone.

Now, I like being alone when I am by myself in the house. Does that sound strange? What I mean is, when I am here by myself, I can choose to be here or go out, I feel free. I can do what I like and there are no demands. But Husband is home this weekend, out at the moment, I have no idea where and home at some point, I have no idea when. I have to be at home for Small Sprog and his friend, but really I want to be out. I don't feel in control, I am at the mercy of others! So can you see why I feel a little jittery?

It's at these times when I have to reign in the 'fight or flight' response in myself. I absolutely hate feeling constrained in any situation. Feeling jittery is a result of this I think. There are lots of chores I could be doing but, at the moment, I feel totally immobile. In a minute I am going to force myself to do some cleaning, that might make me feel better.........

Small Sprog grows up.

Back to last Monday again; the phone call that brought the news of Mums hospital visit arrived just after Tall girl had left for camp but Small Sprog was still at home. After I put the phone down I cried, a lot. It was shock I guess. The big sort of sobbing type crying that I really don't do very often at all, and never in front of the children. Small Sprog looked at me with a very strange expression on his face. He really didn't know what to make of his mummy crying so badly. Then, he reached over to me and held me tight, really tight and I felt better.

I told him that I was upset because Granny was poorly but there was nothing for him to worry about. Now who was keeping secrets?! He looked as though he understood completely, we got ready for school and off we went.

Later on in the evening when I heard the good news about her results he was listening into our conversation, unbeknown to me. When I put the phone down he came over to me and hugged me really hard, looked deep into my eyes, we acknowledged what had nearly happened, and without words, everything was good with the world.

He is my Hero.

Part 3 and Tall Girls return!

Mum texted me Monday night to see if it was a good time to ring and tell me the result. She will not ring here at home in case Husband answers. Neither will my natural father. This makes me feel a little isolated, although Mums texting skills are well honed, my Dad can't do that at all!

Anyway, Husband was home so I took the phone upstairs and phoned her back. She had undergone the procedure which she said was very painful, poor thing. When you love someone it is easier to cope with pain yourself than knowing your loved one is enduring it.

The surgeon took away a polyp and there was some inflamed tissue but there was no sign of cancerous growth. That was such a relief, it is so easy to fear the worst especially when you are told by the Doctor that this might be the case.

So, we can breath easy again I think. She says there will be no biopsy on the polyp. I'm not sure I believe her, I will continue to wonder if she is telling me the whole truth for sometime, but if that is how she wants to deal with things, for now, I am happy to go along with it. I don't think I can keep up that level of worry for long. And so for now, I am happy to go with the flow.

I have just spoken to her. She seems to have recovered well. She has just booked a holiday with her friend. Situation normal.

Tall girl is back from school camp. She is safe, happy, tired and full of news. It is lovely to have her home. I was so happy to pick her up from school. On the way home in the car, after chattering nonstop, she drew breath and asked what Small Sprog and I had been up to. I was astonished. (It feels like an age since she left on Monday, I've certainly been on a bit of a roller coaster since then) How lovely of her to ask, she is maturing almost before my eyes.

Saying that though, Small Sprog has been a star this week. I'll save that story for tomorrow, but I am very proud of him.

Husband has just returned home. He has been chatting to Tall Girl for ages now about her time away. He hasn't acknowledged Small Sprog at all yet. I hope Small Sprog hasn't noticed.

Untitled (part 2)

It was Sunday evening when I realised something was up. I rang Mum to say I was going to visit and she put me off, said she was busy. That never happens! I slept on it on Sunday night and decided I would ring in the morning to see what was going on. I did so and got my Step Dad on the phone. He made up an equally implausible story that didn't fit with the previous one. I called Mum on her mobile. It was off.

By now I was cross and concerned! I was also a little unhinged, well more than normal, because Tall Girl had just left for Year 7 camp. That worry would normally have taken precedence over everything else, (She nearly missed last years school camp because she threw up, on the pavement just outside school, with nerves. I sat her back in the car and then she wouldn't get out again! Not even tears this year, how she's grown!) but not this time. I waved her goodbye and picked up the phone again.

This time, after threatening that I would turn up anyway, I managed to get the truth out of them both! Mum was going into hospital for an exploratory operation. They didn't want to worry me. I'm so glad I persevered.

I drove to Cheltenham and got there mid morning. This meant I had a few hours with Mum before I took her into the hospital. I wondered if she could see I'd been crying. We didn't mention it of course!

I took her in at 1.45, saw her into the process as far as I could then dashed home to get Small Sprog from school. It was a long wait until the phone rang last night. She had the results.........

untitled

Sometimes, just sometimes you know when something is going to hit you full pelt. Perhaps it is some sort of sixth sense. I have always dreaded this moment. I knew it would come. Particularly when family life here was going smoothly a while back. Pessimistic or realistic, call it what you like, but when things in life are going smoothly and people all around you have their own sets of problems, you do begin to wonder when your problems will come!

Well, I didn't realise I would be the cause of mine. Not the entire cause, but the one who would bring the decision nearer, who would start the ball rolling to break up the family. Once it was reality I remember thinking that things don't roll along smoothly forever. I remember thinking, this was it, the thing that was going to happen. I always thought it would be illness of a parent or something like that, when I got to this point in my life.

And now, all of a sudden, I am faced with that too. The inevitable illness of a parent as they get older. Of my Mum. It's not for sure, yet. By tomorrow we should know. I am in that place I never wanted to be. It was inevitable, I could almost feel it in my bones of late. I'm not sure my state of mind can cope with this as well as everything else. I need to be strong.

Just indulge me for a moment........

I spent some time reading Harper's Bazaar in a waiting room today, it was in date too, which was a bonus! I haven't looked at that particular magazine for ages, as long as I can remember in fact, and it was very pleasing to do so. When I was much younger, in my twenties I guess, I would often buy it, or Vogue, or both. The format hasn't changed much, nor the content really as there seems to be an '80's revival and there are still so many young and beautiful models drifting through its pages.

Then I came across an article about someone real, she was very beautiful, of course, sort of floaty and wistful. I forgot to read the words, I just got caught up in the pictures, it was a beautiful life.

When I used to buy this magazine for myself, years ago, life held so many possibilities. It seemed that what went on in those pages may be attainable one day, fame, fortune, wealth and beauty, it all seemed to be there for the taking.

I am old enough now to realise that I will never have that sort of life. Perhaps old enough too to realise it might not all be as it seems. However, as I flipped through the pages, I mused that last weekend I was 45, and my life is already half spent. I have squandered some of it, wandered directionless for too long, filled it with mundane tasks, waited.....

As I came back to the real world, I reflected on how interesting it had felt to remember, just for a moment, what it was like to be young, and to believe absolutely anything could be possible. When did I lose that feeling?

PS. I didn't mean this post to be read in a negative way. I am not lamenting misspent youth, just remembering how different I felt then. I definitely wouldn't want to swap everything I know now for that long ago innocence. I am happy with my lot, really I am.

Small Sprog and a meme

I was giving Small Sprog a bedtime hug tonight and he didn't want me to let him go.

"I'll stay another few minutes" I said "But it's late and you need to sleep"

"Not just a few more minutes" He protested "Ten thousand hours"

There was a short silence while he thought about what he had just said ....... "Actually" He went on " I think I might be a bit bored by then"

How sweet, at least I know where I stand!

I've been tagged by Half Mum Half Biscuit (what a great blog name? I'm sure there have been times when I have been more biscuit than mummy!) I think I may have done something like it a long time ago so sorry if it seems familiar. Here goes....

Here are the rules:

1. Mention the person who tagged you 


2. Complete the lists of 8s 


3. Tag 8 other bloggers and let them know

8 Things I'm looking forward to:

1. This weekend.

2. The school holidays.

3. Being in control of my own life.

4. Some child free time (as much as I love the school holidays)

5. Finding a fulfilling job.

6.Watching my children grow and thrive.

7. Finding myself.

8. Being content.

8 Things I did yesterday:

1. Started to construct my CV.

2. Applied for a job.

3. Ate lunch at breakfast time.

4. Laughed.

5. Drove to the train station.

6. Kissed goodbye.

7. Ate chocolate.

8. Slept peacefully.

8 Things I wish I could do:

1. Spell

2. Swim properly, not just downwards.

3. Get through my divorce without causing hurt and pain.

4. Come out the other end (soon) feeling it was all worth it.

5. Time travel.

6. Write a best seller.

7. Be better at playing with my children.

8. Earn a living doing something I love.

8 My favourite fruits:

1. Cherries

2. Strawberries

3. Raspberries

4. Peaches

5. Mango

6. Blackberries

7. Lychee's

8. My Children

8 Places I'd like to travel:

1. Anywhere instantly (like the original Tomorrow People, do you remember them?)

2. To the future.

3. To the past.

4. To the countryside.

5. To the sea.

6. To bed.

7. To see my Granny.

8. And back again........

8 Places I've lived:

1. Cheltenham

2. Bristol

3. The dog house.

4. Planet Loon!

5.Cloud Nine.

6. The depths of despair.

7. On top of the world.

8. In my minds eye.

8 People tagged:

Now this is where it all falls down a bit! I find it hard to choose 8 so please be tagged if you feel like it, it's all up to you now...........