Pecking order

Small Sprog often assumes he is bottom of the family pile. We all would probably agree, most of the time. He is the smallest and the youngest however, underneath the thin veil of family life, things are not quite as they seem.

While out walking, Small Sprog was hungry (again!) so we looked for somewhere to stop along the way. Husband spotted a bit of a rock that looked big enough for us all, at a squeeze and the ground was damp so we settled for that. Husband sat down on it. Small Sprog plonked himself next to daddy. Tall girl and I looked at each other. Where were we going to sit?

"Come on then" said Husband impatiently "There's still room for you"

Tall Girl sat next to Small Sprog. The rock was full.

"There's room at the back" says Husband. And there was, just a little, so I sat down behind Small Sprog. It was quite pleasant and peaceful being there. No one talked to me because I was the wrong way round but the view was lovely; a path we had not yet walked along and a myriad of green leaves swaying gently in the breeze. I felt Small Sprog lean his back on to mine. He was warm and it was comfortable, feeling his weight against me. We ate our cake. I was supporting my son, I do it every day, one way or another.

Soon the children were up and running about. Husband asked if I wanted to sit around his side.
"No" I said, I was happy with my view, and in reality I just couldn't be bothered to move. But as I was there in my own little world, I realised how this was my place in the family. The one who gets the seat at the back! The one who clears up the mess and the one who is last to sit down! I began to contemplate my lot, which is never a wise thing to do I find. Mostly I spend my time rushing from one event (crisis!) to another, keeping busy, no time to stop, assess or think about anything deeply. Is the rushing a cover? Do I keep busy in order to avoid the realities?

From my children I get unconditional love, I need or want nothing else from them. They are the best thing about my life and I know I'm lucky to have them both. But then I started to reflect on the less positive things in my life, the previous week being an example.

Husband doesn't do birthdays. He bought me a cookery book this year which I already had! He had talked about getting something else but didn't get around to it. "We can get it another time" He said, and that was it. I think it's up to me to get it now but I've lost the enthusiasm. He forgot our anniversary, as you know, but it would have meant so much to just have had a token something, even after he'd remembered. Am I asking too much? Am I just a little spoilt child that doesn't like being forgotten? Probably. We live our lives along the same path but sometimes it feels like we are just going through the motions. To busy to stop, to tired to play. I cook for him, clean for him, make his bed. Tears welled in my eyes. There has to be more? And I started to think how nice it would be to be cared about or even cared for, just sometimes, not taken for granted, the one who gives support and comfort, the provider of food, the one at the bottom of the pile.

It took me by surprise.

I felt very lonely there in the woods.

I know I have so much to be thankful for. We are all fit and well and I am so very thankful for that and, considering the present climate, we have no money worries to speak of. So I'm sorry to whine in my childish voice but sometimes it helps to have a good moan. I think I might even feel a little better already!