Tall Girl was in tears when I kissed her goodnight tonight. She is worried about the future. I have been away this weekend and Husband was away last weekend. She is aware that the family situation, which has been the same for all of her life, is changing. I tried to explain that no one can see into the future and say that everything will be how we want it to be. Good things will happen which we weren't expecting to happen and inevitably bad things will happen too. She wanted reassurance and I'm not sure I gave it to her, because who can tell what the future will hold? All I can tell her is that we all love her very much and that one of us will always be there to look after her. It is hard to see her so upset, She had spoken to Husband and said that she was frightened of what the future may hold, and he said he was too! That's not very reassuring to a nervous 12 year old. We need to be strong for the children, that is our job!
Anyway, she looked better after a while, and I did run the 'glass half full' theory past her once or twice!
Seeing her upset makes me feel guilty about splitting up the family. However I know I am doing the right thing for me. It seems very selfish, but I know they will survive the storm, children do, I did, we will. I'm also trying to reassure myself that crying, at her age, is fairly normal pre teen behaviour. And there will be more tears when she comes back after spending 24 hours with very little sleep after an organised trip to London on Tuesday! Oh joy!
Reassure her best you can, you can’t do anything else. Especially if you’re sure you’re going down the right path? I feel unable to give any useful advice as the way I explained things to D the Younger was a disaster that has still not fully played out. On 2nd thoughts, do it your way and then you will have no one else to blame and I’m sure the children will appreciate the honesty.
ReplyDeleteI've been there. It's much harder to witness your child's distress than it is to endure your own. But they DO get over it. To be honest, it might get worse before it gets better (it did with my No.1) but give it some time, she'll get there. She really will. And so will you ;-) x
ReplyDeleteSorry to see you`re feeling so torn with your situation, but dont feel guilty, you have every right to be happy, after all we only have one life. I split from my first husband when my daughter was only five(he was an awful man)and she has grown up to be a lovely person, well adjusted and happy, and she views her childhood with happy memories with the love and security I gave her. I did remarry, and we`ve been together for fourteen years, hes a lovely man who only cares about my happiness, so be kind to yourself, and do what feels right for you.x
ReplyDeleteFor all it may be more upsetting for them in the short-term I think kids appreciate honesty far more than being mollycoddled and given pretend reassurances. They see through the latter very easily and it makes them far more anxious. Much better to give them facts and realities to deal with. As long as they know they are loved they will find the strength to deal with it and cope.
ReplyDeleteLike you said..... there will be hurts during this upheaval of separating but there will be the security of knowing that you both love her. Children do survive come what may and everyone takes things differently, so she will understand how your husband feels too.
ReplyDeleteThere will still be happiness in her life and like you say....... pre puberty is not easy anyway.
Hope Tall Girl soon gets used to the idea of her new life ahead and that she has a great trip to London.
I think kids respond best to honesty and straight talking, and the glass being half full wisdom works really well too- for all of us.
ReplyDeleteX
Yes, not very reassuring to say the future's frightening. He could at least have said it can be exciting and wondrous as well. I don't think you should shelter kids unduly from reality, but if you're going to be frank at least keep it balanced.
ReplyDeleteYes, I think it is (normal that is).
ReplyDeleteIt's also important to learn to cope with change and to know that we can't see the future. As long as you make sure that she knows she is loved and cared for, she will grow emotionally and emerge stronger. WM x
There is no easy answer to this, seeing a child's distress is very upsetting. Your perspective in having being through a divorce when you were wee, will be invaluable to them. And it will be a different experience for them. Make sure you have good support, and plenty of it. You are doing the right thing, trust in your sound judgment. You are a wonderful mum.
ReplyDelete{{Suburbia}}
Twelve is young to be learning the harsh realities of life but it sounds as if you are doing a good job with Tall Girl.
ReplyDeleteit is very difficult I can only imagine the heartache this is causing.
ReplyDeletehowever, imho, better to have a happy Mum who feels free, than one who is feeling trapped and miserable.
children are so resiliant too.
and as mother of a daughter I can reassure you, crying is now very normal, from now on until forever!!!!!
sorry I was meant to be cheering you up with my comments.......
Letty ;0))))))))))
From the sound of it she is overwhelmed by it all and it is beginning to hit home, keep reassuring her and let her cry, it will help.
ReplyDeleteThinking about you all.
ReplyDeleteIs Tall Girls outing with school?
Hope he has a great time.
It did occur to me that Tall Girl was taking everything too calmly. Perhaps she will feel a little better, now that she has voiced her fears. I do remember feeling emotional round about that age, myself, so I suppose that could be making things worse for her, as you say.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure Tall Girl is at that age where emotions run high--she will be fine. A day in London sounds like the perfect getaway for her!
ReplyDeleteI finally sent you an e-mail again.
Sounds like you are doing your best, and they will survive (mine did). Hope Tall Girl has a great day in London on Tuesday.
ReplyDeleteThere'll be tears for all of you I'm sure before life is settled again. All you can do is keep reassuring the children that whatever happens you both love them and will be there for them. Which is what you're doing.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's wrong to express uncertainty about the future either as long as it's accompanied by hugs and assurance.
xx
Cheshire Wife, I don't think twelve is too young to be learning about reality. By the time I was twelve I knew all about crime, poverty, homelessness, adultery, bullying, religious hypocrisy and any number of unpleasant things but if you're in a loving environment with people who care for you and you feel secure, it won't do you any harm, in fact you'll be a more mature person.
ReplyDeleteWhat caused my own adult insecurities wasn't exposure to reality but the constant conflict between my parents.
It's perhaps not what you learn but how you learn about it, Nick.
ReplyDeleteE.W.I'm sure I'm going down the right path for me, it's everybody around me that I worry about.
ReplyDeleteThank You Kitty, I hate to see her distressed and take heart in your experience.
Sweet words Moon Daisy.
Steve thank you for your considered comment.
Maggie, she has just texted me from London. I love being in touch!!
Working mum, thanks for your comment about change, it made me realise that it is normal and a good thing to learn to cope with it.
Thanks Hulla x
Elizabeth, Tall Girls trip is with Guides (the Baden Powel sort!)
Mean Mom, I remember crying loads at that age too. In fact it lasted for years!!!
Thanks Rose, I will reply soon :)
Thanks for your reassurance Starnitesky and Liz.
Nick, thank you, it is the exposure ot conflict which I am trying to avoid.
It's okay for children to sometimes know that you are sad or have concerns for the future.
ReplyDeleteIt's also great for them to see how you go about resolving those fears and concerns.
"actions speak louder than words"
best wishes :-)