Then I came across an article about someone real, she was very beautiful, of course, sort of floaty and wistful. I forgot to read the words, I just got caught up in the pictures, it was a beautiful life.
When I used to buy this magazine for myself, years ago, life held so many possibilities. It seemed that what went on in those pages may be attainable one day, fame, fortune, wealth and beauty, it all seemed to be there for the taking.
I am old enough now to realise that I will never have that sort of life. Perhaps old enough too to realise it might not all be as it seems. However, as I flipped through the pages, I mused that last weekend I was 45, and my life is already half spent. I have squandered some of it, wandered directionless for too long, filled it with mundane tasks, waited.....
As I came back to the real world, I reflected on how interesting it had felt to remember, just for a moment, what it was like to be young, and to believe absolutely anything could be possible. When did I lose that feeling?
PS. I didn't mean this post to be read in a negative way. I am not lamenting misspent youth, just remembering how different I felt then. I definitely wouldn't want to swap everything I know now for that long ago innocence. I am happy with my lot, really I am.
I remember that feeling exactly
ReplyDeleteas if, by some magic
one could be lovely and glam and all that!
after Vogue came house magazines........
then
the news and stuff
I ADORED magazines
More to the point WHY have you lost that feeling, rather than WHEN. We live much more interesting lives for longer than any previous generations, amazing futures are still possible!
ReplyDeleteYou have created two wonderful children and you have the rest of your life to live! It's an adventure. It always will be. And nothing's been wasted. It's all gone into making you you.
ReplyDeleteMy, this is deep, way too deep for someone in the prime of her life. I want you to know that my ideal job didn't present itself until I was 48! I was ready for it, confident and knowledgeable. So, 45 is the new twentyfive, you know.
ReplyDeleteI think I lost my feeling during my ill thought out quest to gain life experience and become "worldly wise"... ironically, if I knew then what I knew now, I wouldn't have been in such a rush...
ReplyDeleteInteresting post. I am 45 in October and I realise that 'all that time' I had to make it happen isn't that long anymore...
ReplyDeleteI need to make a move on what I still want to achieve.
It's easy to look back and ponder on all the mistakes, and hard to see all the real triumphs and wins sometimes, but they are there. we should celebrate our successes and carpe diem!!
I'm having one of those days too - I'm bored stiff with bloody same old, same old!
ReplyDeleteI find waiting rooms are filled with "Christmas Special" magazines, about 5 years old - just awful to read, especially out of season!
ReplyDeleteSteve, I think you have summed it up exactly.
ReplyDeleteI think that a life like that wouldn't necessarily bring happiness. That isn't sour grapes. I have found out that some people who have everything can be very shallow!
ReplyDeleteI personally wouldn't want to be that age (like I used to be) when I held everything that is desirable to come from a posh magazine!
Did you hear Roger McGough on Radio 4 this week? At 72 he said he still always feels like the youngest in the room. You are as old as you feel. Having recently jumped ship from a relationship myself, I think 'endings' always feel like endings. But really they are just the bit before a new beginning! Like finishing one chapter before starting the next.
ReplyDeleteThanks biscuit, I think perhaps you are right.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I ever believed I could do anything I wanted. Perhaps I was always too much of a realist, or my parents were. So I don't feel my life has been disappointing, if anything it's been a lot more exciting and surprising than I ever expected. Perhaps you take for granted what you've achieved?
ReplyDeleteI think we loose it out of responsibility to others. That responsibility has its reawards and we love that too but I do know what you mean about those glimpses back to when we all felt lighter, full of fresh hope and full of energy!
ReplyDeleteI am also 45 this year though I had to think about how old I was for a while then. What does that mean!
I think that it takes time to work out who we are and what we really want out of life. Very few people really know those things in their 20's (I certainly didn't!!)....it's something that comes with age and experience.
ReplyDeleteYour only 45!! I truly believe that everything is still possible....
C x
I recently wrote a post similar to this, on "If I'd known then what I know now". Not meant negatively, either. It's just every now and then we hit a moment where we become reflective and we realize life might've turned out differently if we'd chosen one fork in the road instead of another. I can say 99% of the time I'm very glad I took the directions I did...but one can't help wondering every now and then, can they?
ReplyDeleteI think what really catches me off guard the most is the fact that I still "feel" like that person. I still feel as though anything is possible. The world is my oyster. Except lately, when I talk about things like maybe going back to school, I realize that by the time I'm through I'll be too old to enjoy what I've learned.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post.
I used to buy Vogue and Harper's, too---years ago. I think we all regret things we did or didn't do in our youth. At the same time, I look back sometimes and think how naive I was! Think of it this way--you still have half your life to live and time to pursue so many dreams.
ReplyDeleteThe other day I was reading an article in a magazine--for women over 40--about a woman who had lost a lot of money in investments. She had had to make cutbacks in her lifestyle: hiring the dogwalker for 3 days instead of 5, getting facials less often...At that point I put the magazine down; she doesn't live in "my" world:)
I sometimes feel like this. Especially now, watching Eldest Daughter, who is footloose and fancy free at 30.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was her age I had two kids, and a big house move etc to the other end of the country.
I am glad you are happy with your lot.
I am too.
It does not do to be wistful or wishing.
I can sense you are happy with your lot, you have a great life and lots to look forward to, trust me.
It gets better, every day!
Your friend, Letty xxxxx
I remember that feeling! Now and again I feel sad that my dreams did not materialise, but life goes on and we become OK with how it turned out.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like a typical 40something - if I or others I know are anything to go by... it isn't that you regret the past but that you realise the full plethora of options that once were there no longer are... I'll never be a pilot and fly for the Red Arrows, I'll never be an internationally famous rock star... etc.
ReplyDeleteI can remember thinking that my mum and dad were really old, but now I’m actually older than they were then! I know what you mean about the past. It’s not negative, it’s just when we are young it seems like we have soooo much time. After all ... when you were 16 I bet you didn’t plan more than the next day in front, or probably just that evening, Lol. We just lose that carefree life that doesn’t seem to last very long. There’s nothing wrong with looking to the good things in the past... just don’t dwell on the bad things. x
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday... I hope your dearest wishes come true.
ReplyDelete*MUAH*
Scarlett & Viaggiatore