Tall Girls secret

"You've got a boy friend" Says Small Sprog to Tall Girl in a nah nah nan nah nah voice.

We were sitting in the car wondering if a trip to the park was a good idea, or if it would rain any minute. He had chosen this moment to tease his sister. She was a sitting duck!

"No I didn't"

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't, I said I fancied someone" She said, giving in because she knew she couldn't bluff it, knowing he would embarrass her in front of me anyway.

"Whats his name then" I ask her, joining in the fun.

"Not Telling you"

"Well, what does he look like"

Silence. She is a very private person. I will never truly know her.

"What colour is his hair?" I laugh.

"Brown"

"His eyes"

"I don't know!"

"What do you mean, you don't know?!" I giggle, though I guess that comes later. "Is he in your year?" I continue, knowing I will get more information that way than if I ask if he's in her class.

"Yes"

"What's his name?"

"Not telling you" Ah! I had reached the end of what she was willing to tell me.

"Would I know him if you told me?"

"No"

"Does he fancy you?"I hazard

"How can you tell?" She looks at me in amazement

"Well, does he steal stuff from your pencil case and hit you with his ruler?"

"Yes"

"He does then"!





I loved being that age!!

For sometime now....

The main thing missing has been kindness.

The absence of kindness leaves a gaping hole,

Full of sharp words and angry silences,

That eat you up and spit you out,

A smaller and more insignificant being.

Numb and unable to act.

Back to earth with a bump

I know I've written this before but it always catches me unawares. Over the last two weeks I have been without my children. I have not spent a huge amount of time alone in my house, but the small amount that I have spent here has been lovely. I have felt very 'at home' and not at all alone.

Tonight Tall Girl and Small Sprog are back. Their noise has filled the house and I have become a Mummy once again. Returning with them, of course, is Husband.

As soon as they are home I feel a huge sense of loneliness, a horrible dark place in my heart that feels as cold as stone. How can I be so lonely when the house is so full? The empty hours and days stretch out ahead of me. I should feel glad to see my children, I am glad, but I feel horribly constrained and all the fun and laughter seems to have seeped away. I hate this feeling, it has haunted me before at other times in my life, it always takes a great effort of will to stop myself from physically running away, and though I recognise it now and know it will pass, it doesn't make it any easier.

After dinner I ask Tall Girl if she wants to go for a walk. She does, and so we walk together and talk. It makes me feel calmer. She is bright as a button and full of news. She is mine again.

When we get home I tuck Small Sprog into bed and he hugs me tightly.

My children are home, but I still feel incomplete.

Did you have a lovely time?

Well, the children are home on Sunday night and my single life will be over. I have adjusted to it, scarily without much trouble at all, though I appreciate that is mostly because I have had such a wonderful time with my Significant Other and filled the end of this week with visits to friends.

I have also had brain space. Time to consider, time to regroup and ponder.

Holidays took on a different shape when I was with Husband. I can see the pattern now, though it formed over time and became part of the 'routine'. People ask you, before you go away, "Are you looking forward to your holiday? Are you excited?" I would always say yes, just to be polite but in reality I can't remember feeling that excitement, not for a very long time.

Had I forgotten how to get excited? Perhaps there was not much to be excited about. Sometimes time away with children can be just as hard work as being at home. All the same chores, just in a different place especially when they were little. I didn't get excited, in fact I didn't get anything. I went through the motions, packing and planning, clothes and food, games and essentials, all the things that made the holiday a success for everyone. But what about me? Did I forget to enjoy myself? Was there any enjoyment? Perhaps I forgot to pack the fun?

The morning of the departure of the family holiday was always stressful. Time constraints prevailed, even if we were only going the 3 hour journey to Cornwall by car, Husband had to be on the road at a certain time, a time chosen by him. There was much huffing and puffing if the rest of us dragged our heels. The car was packed to the gunnel's, the house emptied, or so it seemed! Weeks of lists and precooking (to save work whilst there so I could enjoy myself) came to fruition, off we would go.

There was no anticipation, there was no sense of fun, there was no excitement, just a feeling of exhaustion and the knowledge that life would continue, just the same, in another location.

Then there was what to do whilst we were away, day trips and the like. My "I'd like to go to..." was often ignored, "I'm not doing that" or "Well, we're certainly not going there" would be Husbands retort. In the end I think I forgot to say what I wanted to do at all. I was scared, not frightened, but scared that I would loose myself, forget what I liked, what I wanted to do, who I was - is that what it is to be a Mother? Sometimes I do have a wish to see something or go somewhere, and to have that wish dashed hurt me, it hurt inside, a very real pain and I held it against him, silently.

Did the children have fun? I hope so. What will they remember? Their own normality I think, for none of us knew any different, at the time. This was how it was, the holiday thing, I thought, this is how it is for everyone. But no, it clearly isn't. People get excited about their holidays, look forward to them, they "Have a Lovely Time!"

I know what was missing now. It is not what you take, it is not in the planning or the lists, it is not in the timing or the weather. Not entirely. It is the company you keep. To love someone, to care for them and enjoy their company, to be cared for, that is what it's all about. The fun is attached to that, a bit like Buy One Get One Free! It's a part of the whole, all there to be enjoyed.

When you return to work after a holiday it is customary for people to ask you if you had a nice time, someone always does. Over the last years I have always gone through the motions of saying "Yes, thank you." But not this time, this time I experienced the excitement, the enjoyment and the fun. I can say, in all honesty when they ask me, "Yes, I had a fantastic holiday, thank you".

(Thank You x)

Daughters

I spoke to Tall Girl for ages on the phone tonight. We laughed and giggled and made plans for next week when they are home again. All seemed well with the world.

At the beginning of the holidays I felt as though I was loosing her, just a little. She was mean and sulky! She spoke to me with 'attitude', and although I didn't let her get away with it, I felt a little sad. She was, and is, hormonal and at the beginning of the holidays, she was tired. I know she feels sorry for her Dad and she can see I am 'coping'. Sometimes I think she 'blames' me.

And then there's Husband, who, after having very little to do with her over the years, now treats her as an equal, chatting to her for what seems like hours when he returns home in the evening, telling her all about his day, secretively holding conversations behind closed doors.

At times I have felt shut out from her world. I have felt her grow apart from me.

I remember growing away from my Mum. Not so my Step Father, as we were never close, but I do remember years of turmoil with my Mother. I have stolen myself. I know it may happen, I know it is a way for children to pull away and start to make a separate identity for themselves. She has far more ammunition now than she would have had the family stayed together.

Tomorrow I am having lunch with a long lost friend. We have not met for over 10 years and I am very excited. When we first met (she is a little older than me and had her family very young) she had three under fives at home and I was young free and almost single! I often used to call in during the daytime, apparently it kept her sane!

Next weekend her daughter is getting married. The daughter that left her mother and the family home, to go and live with her absent father during her teens. My friend reminded me of this during a phone call this week. I had forgotten.

My lovely friend reassured me, we may loose them for a while but they are with us forever. This weekend she is going to her daughters hen night and soon her wedding. They are fabulous friends. She did not loose her daughter.

I was comforted. I do not want to loose mine.

PS. I'm off to Mums for a couple of days, so see you when I return.

Missing

It's a beautiful sunny day today. My children are on holiday by the sea and I am in touch with them daily. They seem to be having fun, which is good isn't it? I'm trying not to think of it as them having fun without me, and anyway, I am also enjoying my time here very much, you can't have it both ways.

It seems that they are body boarding and crabbing most days (not at the same time obviously.) But while they are away, I can't help worrying about them; are they safe in the water? Will Small Sprog overstretch his crab line and fall in? Are they completely covered in sun cream? Are they

being 'good'? Then there is the underlying, but ever present thought - are they missing me?

Do I want to be missed? My parting words to Tall Girl were, "Have a lovely time, live for the moment, don't think about what is missing, enjoy what you have". I have only recently learnt this myself, after many years of living in the past and regretting or wanting what has been. When she was on holiday with me recently she was sad because she missed her dad. Hence the conversation above. So do I want to be missed? Do I want them to feel sad? No, I don't. But do I want to be missed?

Perhaps. . . . Just a little.

This was the view from our bedroom window in Scotland last week. Beautiful isn't it?

A letter from the past.

When I was a teenager, full of angst no doubt, I often wrote letters that were never to be sent. Writing them felt like a kind of therapy, once written, I always felt a little better. Sadly I have lost all the scribblings through the years, perhaps for the better though I guess! Over the last 18 months I suppose my blog has become another way of detailing how I feel, though not everything can be written, even here, yet it has been cathartic none the less.

However, about 2 years ago, before I started this blog, before my life changed so dramatically, I did feel the need to write a 'never to be delivered' letter, and I have kept it safe ever since. When I read it I feel justified in all my actions now. As I reread it I know that there was nowhere else to go, my path was mapped out even as I wrote it, although I guess if I had sent it to it's intended recipient then things may have turned out very differently. Perhaps earlier counselling may have turned the relationship around, but in reality, it had been dead for years. To bring a dying heart back to life, surely you only have minutes, seconds even, before the blood stops pumping and the life drains away? Too long and there is no hope.

Here is the letter, nothing added, nothing taken away, I hope you don't mind me sharing, it is very personal, but this is my diary after all.

Dear Husband

I know you don't want to 'talk'. I know you don't like confrontation, although that's not what I mean by 'talk'. However, I need to know how to plan the future. We appear to be going nowhere on auto pilot, it sucks the life out of me.

I can remember, years ago, way before children, we both said how a relationship without closeness and good sex was something we would rather be without. Well, here we are. I know you stopped finding me attractive when I was pregnant, it is understandable. I hoped that, as our children got older, we would have more time to be together, and that things may get better but it doesn't seem to have happened that way.

I have got used to not being 'wanted'. It's hard, and I cry at night sometimes when I think of it. The worst thing is that I'm only 43. I still have loads of years left- a passionless dessert. I never thought that this would be what life had planned.

And I mention all this because, all that is missing between us is part of that which is needed to give life a 'warm glow'. That warm glow seems to be so lacking in our relationship. No one to blame, but what to do?

PS. I was inspired to write this post after reading Mum plus two, who also writes letters which are never to be delivered.

Back in about a weeks time........

Are we nearly there yet?!

When I woke this morning I realised this was the day I have been looking forward to and dreading for weeks! (read posts below for further detail!) Sometimes I think the double life that I lead will split me in two as I juggle happiness and loss all at the same time.

However the children have driven me nuts so far this morning, so parting may not be such a sweet sorrow!!! And I am SO looking forward to spending an uninterrupted week with my 'significant other'. Yay for holidays!

Where has she gone?

When dear Saz suggested I write something for her Teen Blog I declined, mostly because my two lovelies are 9 and 12 years old. Not quite teens, no, not even nearly teens. I have a whole year to go yet. Tall Girl will be thirteen next November, no need to worry surely? She is still all sweetness and light, that's not about to end yet is it? Or is it? Hmm, think again!

It is the school holidays. We have just had a week away. Now you may think a weeks holiday with another family which contained your best friend would be a joyous occasion? Think again.

My oldest lovely has become hormonal (poor thing) and it is showing (poor me!!) What has happened? Where has she gone? Her beautiful hair has become grease ridden and lanky and her mood is worse!

The last straw was on our final day. Everyone gathered around the breakfast table, in various states of dress, some still in PJ's, others fully dressed, and some -who will be nameless- unwashed! All the children were full of chatter, except, except....... my pre-teen. There she was, PJ bottoms and a hoodie on, hood up, partly screening her scowling face! She sat mute, bottom lip almost touching the table.

And what dreadful thing could have happened to have brought on this disturbing behaviour I hear you ask?

There was no Marmite!

She spent several hours after that scrunched up on a sofa with her hood still up and her Nintendo DS bleeping and playing tuneless elevator music.

There is so much to look forward to in the school holidays. Oh Joy!

PS This post will be published on 7th August at Mad Manic Mamas if you haven't had a look yet, you don't know what you have missed!

Home again, home again, jiggety jig

Just home tonight and it's been a great week. Seems like we've been away for ages.

My lovely friend, who came along with her children, is just like a sister to me and we have had a very relaxing time, when we weren't cajoling the children to do stuff! We ate well, walked miles and laughed lots.

Driving home was a strange feeling though. All the time we were away I completely forgot Husband and how things are here. However as we drove closer to home, reality crept in and I began to remember that life is not as it should be.

I have become very attached to Small Sprog this week. I don't want to contemplate his next holiday, which will be spent away from me. Still, it has been fabulous to be free and be together just us three. Time will tell the rest of the story.

Schools out.......

....and they're fighting already! Well, not badly. It just takes a while for them to settle into the holidays, the change of routine and being together most of the time. Big sister tries to be bossy, small brother does his best to resist. The dynamics are different in the holidays, it takes a while.....

Anyway, we are packed and almost ready to go.

I have a very small car, so it will be full to the brim, I hope it doesn't mind!

Tall Girl, Small Sprog and myself are off to Shropshire with our very good friends.

We are all excited, I think it may rain, but we really don't care!

If you see us en route, we may look a little like this....

I will miss all my bloggy friends. See you next weekend.

Byeeeeee!

Moving on

At 10.20pm on Tuesday night I realised it was dark. I realised that those wonderful long summer evenings, that I spend all winter looking forward to, are on the wain. Where did they go? Have I wasted them? (There are a few that I know I have not.)

I had felt a bit chilly all day, despite spending much of it in the kitchen cooking and cold in bed later. On Wednesday I searched out my slippers and put an extra cover on the end of the bed. What happened to the promise of a lovely summer? I am still waiting. I don't want summer to end before it's really begun, I don't want the seasons to move forwards, I don't like the dark.

Husband has been away all week and isn't due home until Sunday night, I am off on holiday with my children on Monday, so the timing is impeccable, well almost, wish I was going on Sunday night! The benefits of him being away are many; I have, at last, felt comfortable, relaxed and free in my own home, we can eat at any time, I have entertained friends in the evening, I can go for a wee in the night without 'covering up', I don't need to hide my mail, and so much more! The children don't seem to have missed him.

While I was ironing today, listening to some tunes that brought back memories, I wondered when exactly I stopped looking forward to Husband coming through the door at the end of the working day? When did he stop noticing me? When did I stop smiling at him in the morning?When did he start dismissing my opinions? When did we stop enjoying each other?

Is it inevitable in a relationship where you devote most of your time to bringing up your children? Was it inevitable anyway? Should I have worked harder?

No regrets, just unanswered questions.

My Hero (I am your mother!)

I had a snuggle in bed with a very sleepy Small Sprog this morning, he was hugging his monkey.

"I'm hugging my monkey too!" I said to him

"I'm not a monkey" He retorted "I'm Luke Skywalker"

"Then you are my Hero" I smiled

"I am good at Mario Kart" He said, starting to run with the idea "So I bet I'd be great at flying a spaceship"

"I bet you would" I said

"And I could battle monsters with the sword in my wardrobe........and with the insides of a toilet roll"

Hmmm, not sure what Luke would think of that idea!

Later, at breakfast time he came downstairs and into the kitchen, where he began to line up his dinosaurs on the breakfast table.

"We only had two Dinos for breakfast yesterday" I stated

"Four now" He said "Double"

Some maths concepts are sinking in then.....

I turned my back to sort out the cereals

"MUM!" Shouts Tall Girl

"What is it?"

"Small Sprogs doing rude things with his dinosaurs"!

Just another normal moment in suburbia!

House or Home

The Estate Agent came round yesterday to value the house, a process necessary for the divorce proceedings. This is the second agent to come. Apparently prices are rising around here because of supply and demand. The agent I saw today usually has around 30 to 40 houses on his books, currently he has 12 and houses are selling quickly. Things may start to move faster than I have anticipated. Once on the market it may only take weeks to sell, I had assumed much longer. When things finally get moving, it will be quite a shock to the system.

However I still don't know if we have to sell the house yet, I still don't know if we, the children and I, will be 'allowed' to stay here or if we will have to sell the property for a settlement. The latter is more likely.

I don't really know what I want to happen, which is good really as I have no say in any of it. I have never been very fond of this house. It was never a place that I wanted to live, but at the time it was reasonable and big enough, so we bought it. However if my children and I can stay here it gives them a great stability when all else around them is changing. That is a good reason to stay. But for me, I would love a new start. Somewhere to call my own, though it would never be anywhere near as big or 'suburban', it seems a long time since anything has been my own. I want to make a happy home, though I can do that here too can't I? But this house will never feel like mine, it has never really felt like home.

It's all in the jeans........

Yesterday I wandered, as if by accident, into the Next Sale. I'll just have a quick look, I thought to myself, I don't really need anything, and I absolutely hate sifting through all the jumbled rails, elbows akimbo! However, before I knew what had happened, all of a sudden, I was in a changing cubicle with a multitude of sale items, their brightly coloured swing tickets advertising 'Half Price' and suchlike. Gosh, how did that happen? Funny how 'autopilot' sometimes just kicks in.

Seeing as I'd got that far, I thought I ought to try the stuff on, it would have been silly not to wouldn't it? I mean, it's not very often that there is a plethora of size 12 long jeans for the taking. It just had to be done.

Now buying jeans is not one of my favourite things to do in the world, it comes second to buying a bra, which can be a right pain in the....... (and I'm not going into details here but Liz knows what I mean, click her name for the post, if you have never experienced a 'fitting'.) So I eyed the selection with suspicion, because although they all said they were 12L, that didn't necessarily mean that any of them were going to fit.

Of course if none had fitted I would have been justified in taking such a large a armful into the changing room with me, but seeing as they all fitted, well what was a girl to do?

Hmmm, what would you have done?!

Feeling better!

Today I watched children (not mine) perform their end of term play. They were fab and the tears of laughter were rolling down my face by the end of the performance. There's nothing like a belly laugh to cheer you up. Sometimes I really do love my job!

Then, my solicitor rang and I had a chat through things with her. I feel there may be a small light -though just a pin head for now- at the end of the very long tunnel, so that's good. And she said I don't need to do the list of possessions as comprehensively as I'd thought, which is thankful because I just couldn't get my head around that task.

Lastly, my lovely friend and mother of two and I, with Small Sprog and Tall Girl are going to go on holiday together. I have just booked it! It's not far and not for long but its a great thing to look forward to. Yay!

I am very lucky to have good friends. I am thankful.

What are you looking forward to?

Extremes

It has been a strange week, full of lovely pleasures. However reality has it that there are always lows to match, after all, one can't go along on one big high forever, it would be exhausting besides anything else.

So this afternoon I am enduring a low.

I have just waved goodbye to my two lovely children. They are off for a long weekend to Cornwall with Husband and his family, they are excited and want to go to the beach.

I had 10 minutes precious time with them, between picking them up from school and saying goodbye as they left with their Dad. It wasn't enough. I hugged them and squeezed them and told them how much I love them. I fussed around them, making sure they had remembered the things they might need. Did Tall Girl want her favourite and most comfy pants? Did Small Sprog want to wear shorts or trousers, did he need his dragons?

I hugged them again (not the dragons)

I gave Small Sprog a little tube of bubble mixture as he departed, he was blowing bubbles out of the car window as they reversed off the drive. I smiled a big smile, waved with both hands and then blew kisses, wishing that the bubbles would last forever.

They have gone now, my babies and the bubbles. I put on a pretty good show I think, they will never know I am crying inside.

Oh Look! I've got one of these...

And one of these!

Thank you to Hadrianas treasures and Amy (sorry it took me so long Amy, well I don't think I've passed it on yet anyway!)

Feel free to award yourselves bloggy mates, I can't choose, you are all lovely!

Another Sprogism

On the sofa this evening with Small Sprog:

"Sit up a bit to eat that, or you'll get it all over you" I say, as he tries to eat yogurt semi horizontal.

"I hate it when you are more sensible than me" He retorts!

Now what does that say about my parenting skills, I ask you?!

Hope you all had a great weekend? It's nearly the school holidays you know!

It's Friday! Yay!

I have just phoned my mother, she was tipsy, I could hear my step father rabbiting away in the background and belching!

It was only 4pm!

"What are you celebrating?"I asked her.

"I can't remember" She giggled

"What are you drinking?"

"Cheap champagne!" Slurring slightly

"Any left?" I asked

"Not much"

Say no more!

There is something about being over 70 that seems to make drinking in the afternoon more acceptable, don't you think?!! Honestly, the older generation..........