It was a challenge. At first, a few months ago, I was devastated at the prospect of not being with the children for Christmas. However I have pulled myself together and got over it! I had invites, but decided to 'sit it out' here, just me and the cat. It felt like a sort of a challenge that had to be met.
My best friend wrote to me earlier this week and said I could turn up any time to join her and her huge family Christmas, she knows me well and knew better than I did the potential for negative thoughts to pervade the day.
However, I am proud and pleased to say I have had a wonderful day alone- well almost -the cat left a parcel of vomit under the kitchen table for me - so good of him to share - and then off we went into the day! It's not been very Christmassy but then I have done that twice already this week, once with mum yesterday - usual routine - and also Monday with the children - a new event but felt like Christmas Day and we had a brilliant time. And then yesterday I spent with a new family, how odd life can be.
So now I know why I had be here alone. I had to prove to myself that I could. No negative thoughts have penetrated my internal well being and peace, I needed this, I can do it and it's great. I was going to write that I don't know how I found the strength but perhaps that's not really true. I have been taking a counselling certificate course since September. It has been an amazing journey - a huge emotional rollercoaster, but an extraordinary journey all the same and it has given me the strenght I think, to know myself and to at last be peaceful.
This year has been amazing. Most of it, sadly, not documented here but the growth and change have been enormous - the last leg of the journey that I started when I left the family home - metamorphosis complete? No, just a bit more of the exciting journey travelled.
I am so very grateful for the strength to keep forging forwards. I am grateful for the love of close ones. For the amazing opportunities I have had this year and grabbed with both hands - things that this time last year, I had never dreamed of.
And this is why life is such an amazing adventure, you never know what is around the corner, and although it could be good or bad - the best bit is the living. While writing here I looked up a few dates, it was here that I started this road to change. It felt right then and it still feels right now - no matter that the children are with their dad and I am alone, regrets - absolutely none. Prospects -huge. Peace and fulfilment - abundant for now. And a partner - yes of course, who'd have thought it?
Who did you spend yours with?