Almost daily diary!

Saturday, August 08, 2009

A letter from the past.

When I was a teenager, full of angst no doubt, I often wrote letters that were never to be sent. Writing them felt like a kind of therapy, once written, I always felt a little better. Sadly I have lost all the scribblings through the years, perhaps for the better though I guess! Over the last 18 months I suppose my blog has become another way of detailing how I feel, though not everything can be written, even here, yet it has been cathartic none the less.

However, about 2 years ago, before I started this blog, before my life changed so dramatically, I did feel the need to write a 'never to be delivered' letter, and I have kept it safe ever since. When I read it I feel justified in all my actions now. As I reread it I know that there was nowhere else to go, my path was mapped out even as I wrote it, although I guess if I had sent it to it's intended recipient then things may have turned out very differently. Perhaps earlier counselling may have turned the relationship around, but in reality, it had been dead for years. To bring a dying heart back to life, surely you only have minutes, seconds even, before the blood stops pumping and the life drains away? Too long and there is no hope.

Here is the letter, nothing added, nothing taken away, I hope you don't mind me sharing, it is very personal, but this is my diary after all.

Dear Husband

I know you don't want to 'talk'. I know you don't like confrontation, although that's not what I mean by 'talk'. However, I need to know how to plan the future. We appear to be going nowhere on auto pilot, it sucks the life out of me.

I can remember, years ago, way before children, we both said how a relationship without closeness and good sex was something we would rather be without. Well, here we are. I know you stopped finding me attractive when I was pregnant, it is understandable. I hoped that, as our children got older, we would have more time to be together, and that things may get better but it doesn't seem to have happened that way.

I have got used to not being 'wanted'. It's hard, and I cry at night sometimes when I think of it. The worst thing is that I'm only 43. I still have loads of years left- a passionless dessert. I never thought that this would be what life had planned.

And I mention all this because, all that is missing between us is part of that which is needed to give life a 'warm glow'. That warm glow seems to be so lacking in our relationship. No one to blame, but what to do?




PS. I was inspired to write this post after reading Mum plus two, who also writes letters which are never to be delivered.

Back in about a weeks time........

32 comments:

Jennysmith said...

Gosh Sub, you nearly had me in tears then. I admire you for confronting yourself and "him" and facin the truth. So many times we hide things from ourselves.

Bless you sweetie, have a good weekend xxx

Maggie May said...

Thanks for sharing this letter, Suburbia. It is highly personal but helps people to realize what has driven you to the point where you are now.
I was very sad to read it as it was obviously written when you were in so much pain.
I am a great believer in writing down your thoughts and perhaps *sleeping* on things before sending them on (if ever).
Blogging does fill this need to unload, though it might be unwise to write some things down!

Have a great holiday! I know you will.

Chic Mama said...

The letter is so sad, I too have taken to writing unwritten letters. I 'write' thousands in my head as well that never actually make it on paper.

I didn't realise you had a significant other......now maybe if I did the children being away from me wouldn't be quite so painful.
I hope you are enjoying your free time.
CM x

Steve said...

Wow. Strong stuff and sad too - sad that even then you could see it happening. Who knows what would have happened if you'd sent it? Things may have got better certainly but things could also have got worse. Best not to have any regrets. As you say the letter was never meant to be sent. Although it was addressed to your husband I suspect that in reality you were writing to yourself; giving yourself a heads-up. This can only ever be a good thing.

Elizabeth said...

such a sad letter
but I'm sure true for all too many people.
Have a super time away!

lakeviewer said...

My guess is that you took some action to recenter your life. We do that all the time; with or without the significant other. Sometimes, things work themselves out.

Take care.

nick said...

The important thing is that you eventually acted on those feelings and didn't just bury them (and the letter) and soldier on in the hope that things would get better. Unfortunately a lot of people still do the latter.

the eternal worrier said...

You’re very brave posting your letter on the blog. I have 4 that I wrote about 3 years ago to be delivered if and when... They just explain a few things about what happened that I don’t seem to be able to say in person. I also have a note book that I kept at the time and a diary from when I was 15 / 16 that I’ve put in a envelope that’s for my youngest daughter.

Hadriana's Treasures said...

Thank you, Suburbia, for sharing that letter with us.

You are brave to blog it.

I feel that it is difficult to blog about certain stuff but it is cathartic - published or not.

Wishing you and your family well. I like your style of writing. The only thing that saddens me is that I do not have time to blog enough and read my favourites regularly. I try to though and you are one of my favourites. :)

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

A very sad but kind of prophetic letter indeed.

I think now, you know you are doing the right thing.

I too, in the past, have written letters never to be delivered..........thank goodness they never were either. But this goes to show, sometimes, they are written for the totally correct reasons.

Haste Ye Back, as we say in these parts.

Letty ;0D

Akelamalu said...

So sad. :(

Hope you have a good holiday. x

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

There is nothing worse than indifference from a husband. To be ignored when you want to talk kills you. You are nothing more than a hatstand in the corner. I went through that with my ex. My letter would have been much longer had I written it. Hope it was cathartic for you to open it up after all this time. X

Liz said...

It's not understandable not to find you attractive when pregnant. It sounds like he was gone long before you 'left'.

Hope you're having a wonderful time with you SO.

Working Mum said...

Two years ago! It certainly must have taken a lot of thought and a lot of courage to face those feelings and make a change if it took two years.

I wonder what letter you will write in a year's time when the dust has settled?

swile67 said...

Thanks for sharing your personal story with us. How poignant. I hope it continues to bring healing to your soul and life.

Rose said...

I've been here several times, Suburbia, and never knew quite what to say...so if I say something stupid, please forgive me:)

Yes, this letter is sad, but at the same time it certainly vindicates the decision you've made to end your marriage--not that you needed vindication. I think you've made the right decision, and I admire your bravery and strength to move forward. Not everyone is brave enough to do that...

And a man who doesn't find his pregnant wife attractive, well...he doesn't deserve her then!

Alice said...

I think that took courage to post that letter to your blog for others to read, but maybe it well help someone else put their thoughts on paper and perhaps see their way a little more clearly.

I hope you're having a fantastic holidays...and not worrying about the children.

dulwich divorcee said...

What a very sad letter. At least you know for sure you've done the right thing. Everyone deserves love - and a cuddle x

Hullaballoo said...

I get the same feeling when I read my diary entries over the years. I have kept a journal since I was 14 and it's very helpful to read back over the entries and understand more of what I had forgotten.

Thank you for sharing your letter. xx

Carol said...

All I can do is echo what everyone else has already said!!

I think you are a wonderful, brave, feisty woman and I believe that you'll find happiness!!

Have a wonderful holiday

C x

Ladybird World Mother said...

So agree. Letters not sent are such a good way to say stuff that is stuck... have done it too... plus one or two furious ones that really made me feel better! I burned those ones... even the burning of them felt right. Hope your journey continues to go where its supposed to go. xx

gaelikaa said...

This is very touching. People can grow so far apart. There's been a lot of hurt I can see. I can relate to this letter in a lot of ways...

Sarah Lulu said...

Aaahhh yes I remember that scene playing out in my life, ever so slowly.

Thankfully I have turned pages since then ...

You will get your wild woman mojo back!

Moannie said...

I believe that we should do that which feels right-and if we follow it through then the rule must be-no regrets. Regret is the most draining emotion there is, more than hate, and more than love-because it has nowhere to go-it is like trying to catch smoke.Whichever action you take It is done, dusted. And that is what you have done...you don't need that letter to remind you. Burn it, and move on.

TechnoBabe said...

Life is hard enough but if you cannot speak your heart to your spouse and be heard and cared about, why would you stay in the relationship. My hubby and I have been through some adventures in life both before we met and since we married. We talk things through even when it hurts or is upsetting. Like your blog by the way.

Rudee said...

Here via Post of the Day. It was indeed a worthy post. It's shocking how much marriage can hurt.

Clowncar said...

Brave of you to post that.

Brave of you to write it. It required a hard, harsh look at your life, I'm sure.

Never done the unwritten letter thing. I grew up learning the magical healing powers of denial.

introspection said...

came here via POTD. Congratulations for winning POTD. Your post is probably what many would like to say. we all have our issues, and some times we need to talk. it makes us feel lighter. I have a folder in my email inbox since 9 years called "need to talk...". It has all my mails that I send to myself when I feel like talking. Whenever I read them now it makes me feel happy that I dint send it to any one. But it makes me sad that I have gone through hell for years and nothing had changed for years, until Idid some thing about it myself.
You brought back all those memories. Have a good time.
cheers!

Cheffie-Mom said...

This is a very brave and powerful post. I came over from authorblog. Congrats on the Post of the Day Award!

Joanna Jenkins said...

That's heartbreaking.
I stopped by from David McMahon's. Congrats on being Post of the Day!

Kitty said...

I'm sure it's not a surprise to you to know I relate to all that. I too have written things down since ... well, since I can remember. I used to write letters - sometimes they were delivered and sometimes not, but it is interesting to look back and read. We see 'signs' we didn't seem at that time - at least I do.

Hope you're having a wonderful summer. Take care. x

Not Waving but Drowning said...

Unbearably sad, have truly wonderful holiday,

GG