Almost daily diary!

Monday, June 01, 2009

Contemplation

It has been a beautiful sunny weekend. The little dark place in my heart has been replenished with sunbeams and, although it aches a little from having to say goodbye for a few days, it will settle down today, and carry on with the mundane that is life here in suburbia.

Perhaps I should explain a little. 

For a long time now, too many years, life with Husband has been fairly emotionless. The children have made up for it of course, their ups and downs, happy times and worries have all oiled the emotional cogs. Too much sometimes! But high emotion was never the order of the day here.

There are benefits of living life on an even keel. It feels safe, and predictable, though colourless and often empty.

This time last year we were on a family holiday. I can remember being out in the sun, much like the weather has been this weekend, looking at the most beautiful azure sea, and feeling that there was so much missing in my life. I was watching a man and a woman sitting on a low wall, waiting for a boat to collect them and return them to the mainland. He placed his hand on her leg, just a little further up her thigh than was 'decent', they touched and held each other. It looked intensity delicious. I was mesmerised and remembered, from somewhere a long time ago, how it felt to be touched like that, the excitement of it, how it felt to be held by someone you cared for. I could almost feel the emotion radiating from them, their happiness, their private world that I had glimpsed for a second in the sun. And I felt empty. Tears welled in my eyes. How could I go on living my life without ever feeling that intensity of emotion again?That was a year ago, almost to the day.

I thought it would never end, this emotional vacuum, and the more I contemplated it the more I knew I couldn't go on like it forever and that only I could do something about it. Today Husband will receive the first solicitors letter to initiate our divorce. It has taken a long time to reach this point, three weeks just for the letter to come, 6 months since I said I wanted to leave him, it could take forever to sort out, but the process has started and the children have been told. They seem to be relieved that there is a solution to the constant tension they can feel between us.

That is one side of the emotional roller coaster, but is that all there is? No, very far from it. As well as Mother, Daughter, and almost Ex-Wife, I am now the woman waiting for the boat. I have felt the intensity of emotion again, the emotion that, just a year a go, I craved for, but it is far sweeter than I imagined it would be. I have felt the sweet touch of anothers hand. I have felt the elated highs as well as the plunge of despair. I feel alive again.

Would I rather be living in an emotional vacuum? I don't think so.
 

23 comments:

dulwich divorcee said...

Hi Suburbia, you do describe this so well. I have never felt as alone as I used to when I was on family holidays with Mr X, pretending to have a good time for the children. It is absolutely soul destroying. No matter what comes next, I think you'll always be glad that you don't have to pretend any more. Thanks for telling us about it. xx

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

Hurrah for your sweetness, your longing and wanting..it is still there and has been found.Sated.For now.....onward Sub, onward...hoping and breathing with you.

I can't believe it is six months already....

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

I am happy for you - and remember it well. The awakening!

Whether the man waiting for the boat with you is the right one or not; a passing flame or your future,I am glad you are not settling for less than you deserve. Life is too short to be lived as a vacuum.

Steve said...

Life cannot be fully enjoyed without accepting and taking risks - and that especially includes emotional risks. Life without an emotional side to it is not life at all.

The Dotterel said...

'I feel alive again...' You're so right about the importance of emotional contact, almost as important as life itself. Without it, life is nothing; with it, life is everything.

Furtheron said...

Wow - that is some writing.

You are very lucky to have felt and be feeling that level of emotion in your life, I'm sure a lot go through without it ever being there.

I can't speak from experience as I've not gone the route you are going down - although there have been times where I've wondered if I've lost the plot of my life. However I'm happy enough where I am right now I think my grass, although patchy and with a few weeds in it and bare patches from the kids running over it is as green as I need it.

One thing... my brother split from his long term marriage about 3 years ago, he didn't want it to end and tried to save it but too be honest all of us have told him in the end none of us were surprised it finished. He is now planning a wedding next year and I've never known him so happy and content... except when we were teenagers possibly. So I hope your journey is as positive has his seems to have been.

Maggie May said...

That was an amazing post Suburbia. It almost made me cry and I don't do that easily!
Thanks for sharing that with us.
I understand and think you deserve better than you've had. You are young and freedom is round the corner.

Elizabeth said...

HOORAY!!!!!

Casdok said...

Brought back memories, and i havent looked back since my divorce. All the best to you :)

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

That is an incredibly strong post, my friend.

I don't think I breathed all the way through it until the very end, and then it was a small gasp of exhilaration for you, for this revitalization of your heart and soul.

Brava, lady, brava. Life is too short to live without passion, however you find it.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Not Waving but Drowning said...

You're doing the right thing,

I'll be thinking of you,

GG

Jennysmith said...

There's much to be said for both sides of the fence, Sub sweetie. Beautiful and moving post xxxx

Rose said...

This is beautifully written, Suburbia, and explains your life so well. Yes, you deserve far more than a vacuum! The lows are difficult, but hopefully there will be an end to them soon, while the high points will stay! It's hard to experience joy without having also knowing pain.

I did have a wonderful weekend, and now it's back to the mundane:)

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Well I turn my back for a few days and look what happens! A wonderfully, well written post.

nick said...

A relationship without that vital emotional turbulence is deficient indeed. I'm glad your new relationship is going so well. And I had no idea the divorce process was so long-winded. All that can do is prolong the pain and frustration.

the eternal worrier said...

Beautifully written post Sub. x

Brett said...

Just what we have all been waiting for. I hope you will keep us up to date, just so we know you are ok.

Liz said...

I think you should change your blog header. From '... who may never escape ' to 'almost there.'

Dori said...

I recall a post you wrote regarding passion and longing--almost like an attempt to convince yourself that a safe and even keel life was the best thing for you. My first reaction was sadness. Life is sooooo much more than that. Emotion and passion are essential elements!

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

such a beautiful post Suburbia.

Yes, indeed, life is too short to live without passion, emotion and all the many wonderful things attached to it!

I am glad, so glad, you are finding your share of the sunlight now.

Life Is Too Short, to be in a vacuum.

Go Girl, go!

luv from Letty Who Has Not Posted For Ages but will do soon!!

Kitty said...

Just doing a little lurking ... fabulous post there Missus. Thinking of you. xxx

McBöbø said...

Good for you. Being alive to the touch of another is The Best, The Most Thrilling, The Most Wonderful Things.

William said...

I am so Glad Eternal Worrier introduced me to your blog. This post resonates so depply with me, and I applaud your courage. I am excited to read more.

Thank you