Almost daily diary!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

My Lovely Mum

Mum came to visit today. I was so looking forward to seeing her. The dark cloud that resides over the house at the moment needed to be dispelled and she normally whooshes in with enough energy to swoosh it away, for a while anyway. It is hard at the moment. I know that she is a little shy of phoning me here, and she doesn't 'do' mobile phones! She is visiting less too, although, to be fair, that is mostly due to a small op on her foot a few weeks ago.

Anyway, she was just letting herself in as I returned home from work. She brought a home made banana cake, a magazine article and a birthday card for Tall Girl (only 4 months late!) which she had found in the bottom of an old carrier bag!! She busied about, chatting about this and that, but I knew there were a million things she wanted to say and ask but wasn't sure if she should.

I made some lunch and we settled down for a few hours together. We chatted, caught up, mulled over, cried a bit and did generally girly things! She also read some of my blog! Yes, really!! She wanted to know what a googlies were!!! She meant Google, bless her, and she couldn't understand the concept of a blog. However, after having a look for a while, she decided that it looked "Fun and much better than telly"! I don't think she'll ever start one herself (no puter for a start!) but at least she doesn't think it's 'odd' any more!

And to add to her technological confusion, she is now in possession of my old mobile phone, which is a million times more advanced than the one she has been using for years! However teaching her how to use it was quite a task! She left us around 5.30 this afternoon, waving frantically as she reversed (quickly) out of the drive, having promised to call when she got home, just to say she was safe. She called just under an hour later on my mobile!! Wow, a whole afternoon of technology and she was calling my mobile for the first time! I answered it and she said"Oh, I just pushed your name and it called you!" Well, yes mum, that's what it is supposed to do!!

Later on she called again, on the land line this time. She was confused! How do you turn it off??! I suspect that it will stay off most of the time now, but hey, we had a great day.

PS. Husband is away tonight, so the little cloud has not come back yet.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Assorted bits

Tall Girl tells me that when she visited the angelic Gabriel's house recently, she caught him sitting in the kitchen sink lighting matches! A friend who is a pyromaniac, that is all we need!! No wonder Small Sprog is keen, and as for Gabriel, well, he looks as though butter wouldn't melt in his mouth! He was here last night, again, with the rest of the troupe. The weather is warmer so the garden was full of a strange assortment of children, I like it when that happens (as long as they stay outside!).

The weekend is fast approaching (how does that happen so quickly?) and the impending 'family day out' is playing heavy on my mind. I have asked Tall Girl what she would like to do. Go to Scotland was one idea! Just a little too far for a day trip I think. Small Sprogs comment, when I asked him what he wanted to do was "I dunno!"

The thing is, the idea of a family day out, in theory, is good, but the children have been away from home a fair bit of their spare time recently and often at the weekend they are happy to drift off to see their friends and generally chill out. It is Husband who wants the day out. I wonder where we will end up?!!

After what I thought was a massive breakthrough in communications last week, we seem to have gone back a few paces (as some of you commented that we would!). The stalemate is back with avengence and I am torn between forcing the issue and just leaving it all until someone gets tired of living like this. The trouble is I'm already tired of living like this!! I don't think it is doing the children a whole lot of good either. They are quieter and not so full of fun. There is a little dark cloud hanging over this house, you can feel it. I am not good at waiting.

Small Sprogs song

Small Sprog was humming in the back of the car on his way to cubs last night.
"Can I sing you a rude song?" He asked me.
"Yes" I giggled This is the bones of what he sang me :

Ollie, Ollie, Ollie
With his **** in a trolley
And his ***** in a biscuit tin,
Sitting in the grass
With his........

Do you know what? There is more, but I can't bear to repeat it!

I glanced around at him and he was beaming form ear to ear!
"You won't sing that to anyone else will you?" I asked him.
"Who taught it to you anyway?"
"Not telling you!"

He can be very loyal!

"Did you learn it in the playground?" I asked, as it was the first day back to school today.
"From the nit children?"

He was quiet for a while, I knew it was bound to be them.......

"You won't sing it to Granny or Grandma will you?" I plead, I mean, can you imagine?!!

We drove in silence for a bit, though I suspect he was still humming quietly!

"Have you sung it to daddy?"
"No one else then?" He shook his head.

I was secretly pleased that he had chosen to share his 'Rude Song' with me! I can see the blokiness developing in him at an alarming rate. I looked over my shoulder and said "When you are older, you are going to have such a great time!" And he beamed back at me.

After a while he pipes up in the back.... "Eleanor taught it to me"

I shrieked with laughter! She is Tall Girls best friend, 12 years old and very demure.

"Are you sure?"I giggled
"Yes, she sang it when we were on the trampoline" He said proudly
"So Tall Girl knows it to?"
"No, she had already got off, you won't tell Domestic Goddess (her mother and my best friend) will you?"

I shook my head, smiling to myself.........You bet I'm gonna tell her. I can't wait to see her face!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Meme time! I am what I am........

I found this meme at FFF...

I Am: Too many things.

I Want: To be me.

I Have: Two beautiful children.

I Wish: I knew if everything will be OK in the end.

I Fear: Losing the people I'm close to.

I Hear: but sometimes I don't understand.

I Search: For happiness.

I Wonder: If I will ever find it completely.

I Regret: Growing older.

I Love: With all my heart.

I Always: Try to understand.

I Usually: Try to be honest.

I Am Not: Good at waiting.

I Dance: In my Kitchen.

I Sing: In the car.

I Never: Refuse good food!

I Rarely: Let people down.

I Cry: When things touch my feelings.

I Am Not Always: Good at remembering.

I Need: Things I can't have.

I Should: Be thankful.

Anyone who wants to have a go, be my guest!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Looking forwards and back again.

The children will be home tonight. Not too late? I asked Husband, though I could feel him bristle, all the way up to the satellite connection and back again, as I said it. Well, I mean, it is 'back to school' tomorrow, and I know they'll be tired. He says they will be back at 5pm. That is much later than I thought they would be, but seeing as I am not in control, there's not much I can do about it. They have had beautiful weather to be by the sea and I know they have spent a lot of time on the beach. I hope that they have not missed me. Is that the right thing to hope?
It is back to normality for me too later. I have been living a different life while they have been away. It has been fine and easy and full of wonderful moments that have made me happy. I have thought about the children and texted and spoken to them too, but I have not missed them very much. I know that I would have missed them terribly if I had been at home alone, without them, but as I have been away too, it has been peculiarly easy.

As I am writing this, I am wondering what the next week will bring. Husband wants to talk seriously about next steps, which is necessary, but it will be hard emotionally. He also wants to spend next weekend together as a family. All four of us, doing something together (I did manage to get him to almost agree to just one day on the weekend, I hope that still stands). We have not had a family day out for months, and he thinks it will be good for the children. I'm not sure if it will send them mixed messages? I am dreading it in a way. I know some of it will be fun, I love doing stuff with Tall Girl and Small Sprog, but I have no desire to rekindle past memories with Husband or to feel regretful. So it is with trepidation that I am looking forwards to the coming week, and I am, as all to often at the moment, looking behind at what has gone before with fondness, and trying not to be sad that it has passed, but thankful that it has occurred at all.
PS, Fi has passed on this lovely award. Thank you so much Fi.

I would like to pass it on to The Eternal Worrier, Jenn, and Kitty.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Small Sprog has issues!

The children have gone, but I thought I'd leave you with this one......

Small Sprog has made a new friend, who lives, some of the time, just down the road. They are both the same age and height, but Small Sprog has dark curls and the friend has long fair hair. The friends name is Gabriel, quite a name to live up to I always think, and not a name Small Sprog has come across before.

He came home after playing with Gabriel the other night; "She's coming to call for me later" he said.
"He's coming, you mean?" I replied
Small Sprog looked at me in a strange way.
"She's coming" he repeated
"It's a boy!" I laughed.
Small Sprog was puzzled. The friends hair was very long and he was quite 'pretty' for a boy I suppose.
"I thought she was a 'tom boy'!" Says Small Sprog, looking a little embarrassed.

Most of Small Sprogs friends are girls, so it was an easy mistake I guess. Well it could happen to anyone couldn't it?!

Thursday, February 19, 2009


Yesterday evening I went to the supermarket to get all the food for the childrens holiday. It was an 'automatic pilot' job really, there is a routine to those sorts of trips! It was almost 9 pm by the time I arrived home, but much better going in the evening than to drag reluctant children around the shops during half term.

I have no idea what happened when I arrived home, only that, within minutes there were harsh words spoken with much feeling. Luckily the children were in bed and asleep. It wasn't a pleasant half an hour (if that) but it has had positive repercussions this morning.

Husband has come to his senses and decided that we can't go on living here, like this. The penny has finally dropped, and I guess it hasn't really taken all that long. So this morning he is talking divorce and settlements. I hope it is not just another phase, but he seemed coherent. It is the first positive step along the way and it will take time, and a relief that he understands there is no going back now.

It feels strange to be taking that first real step into the unknown.

PS I found this great dating site. Check it out for the perfect date!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Strange days indeed

Husband dropped a bombshell last week. He is taking the children away for the end of half term by himself. He is going to his sisters holiday cottage in Cornwall. I am not invited.

I struggled with this for quite a few days. My children, going on holiday without me. A thing that has never happened before. But if I insist on the course of action that I have chosen, it is bound to happen isn't it? I am asking and wanting to live a life without Husband. I would never stop him seeing his children, so, holidays alone are inevitable eventually aren't they?

Therefore I am resigned. I have thought it over and I am fine with it now, just about.

However he is asking me to plan and pack for them, not just clothes but all the stuff you need for a self-catering break away. Toys, games, food........

This is a strange thing for me to do, I am having to pack for possibilities that won't include me. But I have had to sort it out in my head, and I have, I think having already made a start. He says he has no concept of how this is difficult for me. How strange. Though I did wonder if it was done more to hurt me than anything else, but perhaps I should not presume.

Yesterday he said that he hadn't asked me to go with them because his sister had said that she didn't want me in her holiday home. I thought that was odd (hurtful too). Apparently SIL and her husband are very upset that I want to leave my marriage. You would have thought, though, that they would have wanted me to holiday with Husband and the children wouldn't you, perhaps seeing it as an opportunity to rekindle an ailing relationship? You'd think for the childrens sake, they would put their feelings about me to one side? Or that Husband would not obediently do their bidding?

Don't get me wrong. I have wrestled with the thought of being without the children over the last week and would love to be with them but on the other hand I am very glad I have not had to go. I don't want to spend the time with Husband, it would be too close for comfort. It is also an opportunity for things to play out the way they will in the future. It will be difficult but necessary.

Strange days indeed.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Take the rough with the smooth.

Yesterday, the children and I spent the day in my home town, with my mum. It was one of the nicest days we have all spent together for ages. We arrived early, just in time to walk the dog, and left late.

Walking the dog is always a treat! We all mill about, walk together and then apart, chat and relax together. Mum is slower now and I have to adjust my pace, the children walk faster than they used to too and it is all a bit stop start, with Tall Girl chasing after the dog, to stop it eating the remains of yet another discarded takeaway!

After a while Tall Girl and mum decided to walk slowly back, while I took Small Sprog to play with his basket ball. He was on good form and we spent ages playing together. The weather was springlike and all felt right with the world.

Indeed, a very small miracle happened later on at mums house.

My stepfather, who has never been good with children (and I include myself as a child in that statement!), played with Small Sprog for the first time! It has taken 9 years but I am not complaining. They built a model robot together. It was not planned. Small Sprog wanted to take the kit to mums house, and I was going to use my limited girl skills to help him build it. Perhaps he knew I wasn't up to it!! However he managed to get his 'Pop' to help him and it was lovely to see. I am amazed and grateful and happy. It was a good day..........

....Which has brought today into sharp contrast.

Husband is struggling with how things are between us. He wants to mend it. I know that, for me, it is broken beyond repair. Most weeks in January he 'needed' to discuss something to do with the situation, but he has calmed down, so there has not been too much emotion flying around recently. Therefore this morning took me completely by surprise. We had almost 3 hours of discussion, which mostly went around in circles because of the impasse that we have found ourselves in. Each time this happens I see little bits more of what I want to live without. Having said that, it is hard to stay strong, almost as hard as seeing that someone is hurting, and that I seem to be the cause, which in turn means that I can't be the one to provide comfort. None of this is doing him any good, we so need to come to an agreement on how to proceed but he cannot accept the outcome.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Tall Girl

Tall Girl was in tears when I kissed her goodnight tonight. She is worried about the future. I have been away this weekend and Husband was away last weekend. She is aware that the family situation, which has been the same for all of her life, is changing. I tried to explain that no one can see into the future and say that everything will be how we want it to be. Good things will happen which we weren't expecting to happen and inevitably bad things will happen too. She wanted reassurance and I'm not sure I gave it to her, because who can tell what the future will hold? All I can tell her is that we all love her very much and that one of us will always be there to look after her. It is hard to see her so upset, She had spoken to Husband and said that she was frightened of what the future may hold, and he said he was too! That's not very reassuring to a nervous 12 year old. We need to be strong for the children, that is our job!

Anyway, she looked better after a while, and I did run the 'glass half full' theory past her once or twice!

Seeing her upset makes me feel guilty about splitting up the family. However I know I am doing the right thing for me. It seems very selfish, but I know they will survive the storm, children do, I did, we will. I'm also trying to reassure myself that crying, at her age, is fairly normal pre teen behaviour. And there will be more tears when she comes back after spending 24 hours with very little sleep after an organised trip to London on Tuesday! Oh joy!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Valentines Weekend

I am a little bit busy this weekend, after being poorly last week (loads of sympathy please!) I am not at home, so it is strange that I can still be here! Anyway, I thought I would just drop in and say Happy Valentines to all of you. 

I hope that your heart is happy.


Sunday, February 08, 2009

Little black clouds

So, my time is up! I am back, sharing the house again with Husband. Small Sprog was very pleased to see his daddy back, Tall Girl came to me in the kitchen after she had greeted him and asked if I was happy.

Tonight I will go back up to the spare room to sleep, having swapped to be close to the children over the last few nights. I had forgotten how a little black cloud would descend over my world, without warning, as soon as Husband came through the door. I can already feel the stress building between my shoulder blades.

Still, I have had a lovely time while he's been away, and for that I am thankful. This will be the second Sunday night in a row which I will spend, remembering to be thankful for what I have had rather than mourn for what I no longer have.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

The night before the cat returns......

Tonight is my last night of freedom (I still have 2 Walnut Whips left, impressed huh?!) and today it dawned on me that I have enjoyed the last few days very much, even more than I expected to.

I was floating about the house this morning, realising how 'at home' I felt and how I had not felt that way here for such a long time, when I realised, 'This is how it should be all the time'!

I have enjoyed the childrens company no end, and I had a bonus day with them yesterday to boot. I can't say we have done anything in particular, we've just milled around happily together. I think one of the best things about not having Husband around is that I haven't had to clock watch or rush about. I can wash my hair and dry it without being expected to stop half way through the task! It hasn't mattered that we have had late breakfast, or that we are later home than expected. I haven't had to say what time we are going to be home for tea and it hasn't mattered that we have eaten curry tonight, watching TV!

Small Sprog went to a party this afternoon. I picked him up at 6pm. Another mum, who I had not met before, asked me if he was mine. I hesitated before answering!! What had he done now? Anyway, I thought I ought to own up and when I did she showered him with complements. No really! I mean, well, he used to be a bit of a loose cannon when he was younger. I could always rely on Tall Girl to behave properly wherever I took her, from a very early age, but he was not so reliable. However today he seems to have excelled! She complemented him on being a 'gentleman'! At aged 9 that's quite something! Anyway, whether he was or not, it did make me 'glow' inside.

While he was at the party, Tall Girl and I did some girly shopping. It was fun being with her, having time and going into all the shops that she wanted to visit. We didn't have much of a plan but time flew by and she was such good company.

Every night since he left, Husband has rung to say goodnight to the children. Other times when he has worked away he does the same, the children know the routine. However usually the phone is passed to me after they have finished talking to him. I have noticed, this time, that Tall Girl has taken charge of the phone these last few nights, taking it form Small Sprog and not putting me in the position of having to speak to him. She has just said goodnight and hung up. How grown up and understanding is that? She and I have not talked about it, but there is an acknowledgement there somewhere, that things have changed and that she can cope......I think.......I hope.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Schools Out!

How lucky are we? No work or school today.

Small Sprog is ecstatic. His school was one of the only ones open in the area yesterday. Tall Girls school is nine miles away, and the journey includes country lanes in the last half a mile or so, so she had a day off yesterday as well (lots of gloating!).

Yesterday, the three of us walked to school in the snow, which was very exciting! We normally drive in which takes about 5 minutes, the walk took around 40 minutes, but then again, it was snowing!

At lunch time Tall Girl and I returned home, picked up Small Sprogs sledge (which he has had for a few years but never used, because we never get snow in the city) and headed for the local golf course with some friends. Poor Small Sprog was still at school. I felt so mean going without him.

By the time I picked him up from school most of the snow had melted and all the other children were cold and wet and in need of hot chocolate! They didn't want to play any more. Small Sprog was sad. The sledge was his best thing, he had been waiting to use it for so long and it's no fun without other children to play with. I could see how brave he was being, trying not to cry with disappointment. I was frozen to the bone, having spent the afternoon outside and then standing in a freezing playground, waiting for him to emerge from school.

"We could have 5 minutes, just the two of us" I suggested. "It would be better than not going at all"
He shook his head. Thought about it for a bit, and then smiled! So off we went, out into the cold again! We found a reasonable slope, with a little ice and loads of slippy mud. It was his first experience of sledging, we laughed and he was happy.

We didn't stay long, it was getting dark, but this morning brings a fresh blanket of snow and new hope for a great sledging experience!

You may recognise the top picture.

This one below is my back garden, the Witch hazel is a little past it's best now.

Thursday, February 05, 2009


Thank you all so much for your advice and comments, particularly about ironing, particularly the one about placing it under heavy books!! Only 3 Walnut Whips left (it was a big box full!)I watched a 'chick flick' last night but my conscience got the better of me so I multi tasked and ironed at the same time!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

While the cat's away!

Freedom! Husband has gone away until Sunday, so I can relax and chill with the children. This means I can do some of the things that would annoy him if he were here, for example leave the tumble dryer on with the garage door closed! (It is on now!)

It is ages since I have spent much time at home without him. I am wondering what I used to fill my time with! So I am preparing to be decadent (when the children are in bed) and have written a mental list of great things to do, while I can!

Yesterday I found a surprise stash of Walnut Whips (I'm not sharing!) in a cupboard, they will definitely fit into the plan somewhere as will books, wine, music, long baths and generally drifting about!

There is one problem with my plan.....There is a huge pile of ironing and the house needs hoovering and sorting out generally. I have 'left' so many things undone recently. How much longer can I leave them for do you think?!!

Sunday, February 01, 2009

On The Hill

I am sitting here tonight wondering how I can write anything at all about my weekend. I spent it away from here, it was wonderful......And as I write, I am trying very hard to be thankful for what has been, rather than feel sad for that which I no longer have. That is all I can say.