Almost daily diary!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Strange days indeed

Husband dropped a bombshell last week. He is taking the children away for the end of half term by himself. He is going to his sisters holiday cottage in Cornwall. I am not invited.

I struggled with this for quite a few days. My children, going on holiday without me. A thing that has never happened before. But if I insist on the course of action that I have chosen, it is bound to happen isn't it? I am asking and wanting to live a life without Husband. I would never stop him seeing his children, so, holidays alone are inevitable eventually aren't they?

Therefore I am resigned. I have thought it over and I am fine with it now, just about.

However he is asking me to plan and pack for them, not just clothes but all the stuff you need for a self-catering break away. Toys, games, food........

This is a strange thing for me to do, I am having to pack for possibilities that won't include me. But I have had to sort it out in my head, and I have, I think having already made a start. He says he has no concept of how this is difficult for me. How strange. Though I did wonder if it was done more to hurt me than anything else, but perhaps I should not presume.

Yesterday he said that he hadn't asked me to go with them because his sister had said that she didn't want me in her holiday home. I thought that was odd (hurtful too). Apparently SIL and her husband are very upset that I want to leave my marriage. You would have thought, though, that they would have wanted me to holiday with Husband and the children wouldn't you, perhaps seeing it as an opportunity to rekindle an ailing relationship? You'd think for the childrens sake, they would put their feelings about me to one side? Or that Husband would not obediently do their bidding?

Don't get me wrong. I have wrestled with the thought of being without the children over the last week and would love to be with them but on the other hand I am very glad I have not had to go. I don't want to spend the time with Husband, it would be too close for comfort. It is also an opportunity for things to play out the way they will in the future. It will be difficult but necessary.

Strange days indeed.


Antigonum Cajan said...

Never had that conflict never will.

For this horticultural fan children
are just one way to leave a trace.

Planting, writing, sculpting other options..

Also by faith, as some religious fans believe.

Nice blog..

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

My three younger children are on the other side of the world, on holiday with their feels strange.
Yes, it is part of the new deal... Can you plan to do something positive for yourself that would be hard to do if the children were around. It helps :)

the eternal worrier said...

These situations are all new and bit of a shock when they happen. The in-laws not wanting you there is a classic reaction. Just tell the kids to have a good time and be positive with them about the trip.

Kitty said...

When my kids go away with my ex, I am asked to pack their clothes, etc. too. I always pack them a little bag from me - with bits 'to do' and some sweets, a book, etc. Perhaps even a disposable camera so when they get back you can get the pictures developed and share their memories with them?

It will be fine. It's weird at first, but you do get used to them being away. You might even come to enjoy it, as long as it's not too often, or for too long.


Debbies-English-Treasures said...

First time over your blog!
Sorry to hear about the difficulties that you are going through...
Better days will come!
Although as difficult that it is...
Try to keep Positive!
Debbie Moss

Maggie May said...

I think this is just the beginning of the new situation. People start to take sides.
SIL is bound to take her brother's side.
I think it is the right thing to let the children go with their dad and to do something completely different by yourself.
You will get into a regular routine eventually and I'm sure the 'hurting' will make way for practicalities.

Suburbia said...

Thanks Maggie you are always very sensible. I feel fine about it now for myself, but worry that the children will find it strange for a while.

Hi Debbie and ACajun, thanks for calling in :)

Hi Kitty, thats a lovely idea. I will enjoy my time without them. It just took a while to become ajusted to this new bit of the future.

Thanks EW, I have been positive. Hiding feelings is a regular day around here!

Hi Fi, gosh, the other side of the world, and mine will only be 3 counties away! I have things planned to do which will be wonderful, it is adjusting to two lives that is tricky.

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

Your blog is fantastic:) We have a dauther in Portsmouth and one in Barry, Wales.
My feelings would be hurt as well suburbia. I'm sorry you have been made to feel say....
Do you mind if I follow?

Steady On
Reggie Girl

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Wow that's a tough one. Difficult time - strange days as you say. They pass though, so a fellow blogger reassured me today. We find a way. Good luck, and take care. Jo x

Liz said...

How strange of your SiL, at this stage of a separation, to take sides, act so decisively. Surely it wasn't up to her? Anyway, enjoy the time on your own. You may find it more pleasant than you expected!

Anonymous said...

I love the idea of packing a special bag from you.

How important it is, that you let him bond with the kids in his own way. It also demonstrates that he is on some level accepting the change in your relationship. Any maybe after the holiday, he will learn more about the kids' needs and be willing to pack for them himself ;).

When grown ups score points against each other, it's the kids who get most hurt. SIL's reaction says more about her than about you.

You will experience lots of feelings when they are away. The easiest and hardest thing to do is to let them go and trust that they will be looked after. It's only a few days. I have found that drawing up a timetable of what I want to do in their absence helps me through the wobblies. Oh, and lots of walnut whips.


Elizabeth said...

Thinking of you and agreeing that you must find something wonderful to do JUST FOR YOU
when they are away.
I feel a bit of a twinge for you too though.....

Dori said...

I concur on the idea of packing a special "Mom" bag! My mom would always slip in something special for us to find when we were unpacking at boarding school. Totally different situation but same sentiment!

He's not asking you to pack for him is he?! That would be *way* to much! Packing for the kids I understand--can you imagine what SS would pack if left to his own devices? :D All candy and no underwear?

You, however, enjoy your time alone. Dive into that oasis. My imagination still running wild on that one...

Mean Mom said...

Hmmm.... That's difficult. I wouldn't like the situation either, but, as you say, you will have to accept it. The 'mom bag' sounds like a very good idea.

For the moment, I don't think that I would take much notice of anything that SIL and her husband have apparently said. I have learnt from my own experience that people 'put their own slant' on things.

It sounds as if you may already have something planned to take your mind off things. I hope that you are able to make the most of your few days. They will be back before you know it.

cheshire wife said...

I do so understand what you are saying. I am having very similar problems with my brother (I appreciate that your problems are with your husband) and I now realise that the second chance I gave him a few years ago, for the sake of his children, was a mistake. Stick to your guns. Your intuition is right.

Steve said...

Hmm. Difficult not to see this as a semi-deliberate attempt to cause you a bit of heartache... I really do hope your hubby doesn't fall into the the trap of using your kids as emotional ammunition. It's good for nobody - especially not the kids.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...


I see red flags all over this!

Please trust me on this one...
I wouldn't let him take the kids. I know it looks innocent and all that on the surface, just a holiday... but you really *really* should keep them with you until the divorce is over and you have custody of them.

Not sure how it works over there, but I wouldn't trust this move -at all- and it's so true that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Keep the kids with you until it's all over. Then he can visit them... but don't let them go before.

Please, please take heed...

Scarlett & V.

Suburbia said...

Scarlett, I do trust him, we have been together a long time. I hope and expect that trust to be kept.

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

these are surely very difficult times and decisions.

I have nothing wise to offer, except my sympathy with your plight.

I cannot imagine how difficult thise must have been for you, was trying to imagine it, putting myself in your place, and I would find it extremely difficult indeed.

oh and In Laws, they are the bane of my life! So take no notice of SIL!

Letty ;0)

Rose said...

I missed this post--now I understand the holiday packing and frustration about it. As you say, this will be practice for the future--you can be thankful at least that Husband does want to spend time with the children. That isn't always the case. I hope you use the time to pamper yourself!

this is my patch said...

I do hope you have a good stock of Walnut Whips in! x