So this year both children were away on my birthday. Tall Girl sent a Happy Birthday text before school yesterday and posted on my Facebook page. It was enough to know she had not forgotten and had thought about me. I heard nothing from Small Sprog (despite his owning a phone, email and an illegal - age wise- Facebook page set up in cahoots with his sisters help!)
This morning when I opened the front door to him he did his usual disappearing act into the living room to watch TV. Perhaps he had forgotten that it was my birthday yesterday? However, on watching a news item about someone else's birthday he commented that it was the day after mine. There, I thought, he hasn't forgotten.
But such a great sadness came over me. He had not wished me happy birthday when he saw me today, no words, no card, no text, no small scribbled drawing, nothing. I felt empty, abandoned.
Is it wrong of me to expect an acknowledgement, no matter how small? He wouldn't have had a chance to buy anything but words cost nothing and a home-made card is treasured forever. What have I done wrong? Have I not tried to bring him up to do all these things, to make a fuss of people we love and friends we treasure? Do we not always make cards for friends, for Granny? I even still get them to make cards for their dad on his birthday (though I did not insist for Fathers day this year, the first time. But I did take them to the shop to buy him a Fathers Day gift which Tall Girl had decided on)
Is it wrong to feel so desolated? Perhaps I am being silly. He is only 11. Yet I am doubting my parenting skills even now. By now, shouldn't the whole palaver of celebrating birthdays be ingrained, isn't it all part of being a social being, being aware of others feelings? How would he feel if we all ignored his birthday?! We have traditions on birthdays, special breakfasts, a birthday banner and balloons, a cake, cards, presents for all our birthdays, all those things. Has all this not made an impression?
I had a meal with my parents last night. Later in the evening my lovely Mum gave me a food parcel to bring home. "The children will want to celebrate your birthday" She said "They'll be sad they've missed it" Inside the parcel was a homemade birthday cake complete with candles (though not the full amount!), some chocolate slices, meringues, cream and strawberries. All the ingredients for a great birthday tea.
I unpacked it all today and gazed. Such a lovely thoughtful thing that she has done for us all, but I really don't feel like celebrating anymore. A small thing, but I feel suddenly empty.
14 comments:
What a powerful post!
I see you day to day with SS and TG and yes, he forgot to say HB, but he is such a thoughtful little man 99.99% of the time and that surely has come from you?
It’s a hefty bit of forgetting I grant you, but it does not follow that you have failed in your parenting one bit, or that he will suddenly lose all social graces.
I suppose he has camp, big new school and many other things on his mind in the next few weeks. Not making an excuse for him but I think it is the context perhaps?
I am sorry you feel empty and sad.
R x x
PS: Please don’t sneak up on SS in the same way as the poor moth in the previous post !
Don't be too hard on yourself... sadly your dear little boy is getting closer to that age when the teenage hormones kick in - my boy is showing signs already at 10 - and the outside world suddenly seems an alien place to them. Thankfully this does pass eventually.
I think it is a man/boy thing.
They don't do B/days..... girls do.
I had to organise F/day presents & cards for my granddaughters though, otherwise their dad wouldn't have got anything. Hope thats because they are still young.
My daughter usually gives her boys some money and tells them to get her a B/D or Christmas present. (Otherwise she would never get anything from them.) I know she finds it very hurtful.
I think usually, EX spouses do not help with this kind of thing either.
I get sad about things like this too.
Glad your Mum made a fuss of you and gave you a goody bag to bring home. Maybe you will have a little celebration with them to let them know that it is important to you.Tell them!
Maggie X
Nuts in May
Oh m'dear I feel so sad for you. x
How sad. I would feel the same. He might be growing up, but he could have said something. He still might... But phaps he is absorbing paternal vibes, or just being thoughtless. I agree he would not be impressed if it was his birthday so here is a chance to teach him empathy!
I would still celebrate... It might remind him how important the event is and TG will enjoy it too.
Birthdays are still a big thing for us too... All celebrated properly at nearest convenient time.... And acknowledged in peson text fb.... Lol
Tough but I doubt he means anything by it - for some reason in his world it's not computated .... Sad that his sister didn't remind him but there you go.
I can understand how you feel but try not to let it be a big issue if you can - it is just a mistake I am sure
Well, from what you've said previously I thought SS was an unusually sensitive soul. Not on this occasion though. Perhaps he doesn't realise how much you appreciate birthday cards. He's probably going through some phase where he thinks they're a bit pointless or silly. Perhaps if you tell him how much you liked all the OTHER cards you received....
I understand your disappointment, Suburbia, but I do think it's his age, and it's a male thing. My husband isn't much for celebrating birthdays, which always bugs me. I can't excuse him, though, for his age:) My daughters have always made a bigger fuss over our birthdays and anniversaries than my sons. Perhaps you need to drop him a little hint.
Oh, Sub. So sorry to learn of this. It seems we males are a good deal less careful about things like this, things which confirm relationship.
But I see this is hard for you — part of the continuing self-doubt. But you are loveable and lovely. Take care of you. And Happy Birthday!
I feel so sad for you. I think you should say something to him as a little reminder. I'm sure he would be devastated if he knew how upset you were. I think you should definitely have your mum's birthday feast (she sounds absolutely lovely btw) xxx ps Happy Birthday!
I think I forgot my mums Bday a few times in my teenage years, but havnt since. Happy Birthday by the way.
So sorry that you're sad :( My children never normally remember my birthday either, I always have to remind them. Mine was this week too: so Happy Birthday xx
Oh this is so sad! But he's a boy. And he'll be using that excuse for years to come ...
But no reflection on you at all, suburbia. We know what a sensitive and wise soul he is is most respects and he gets that from you.
I hope you told him off though, perhaps when you felt less sad about it and could make it a jokey thing - but serious nonetheless.
My children can't forget because I start reminding them weeks before my birthday.
Oh, Suburbia!! I am reading this a week on, and so hope that you feel better now. PLEASE dont take it badly any more... boys are notoriously careless about birthdays and celebrations in general, and if you have always 'carried' the birthdays, and made them wonderful, then maybe he thinks it isnt up to him... but flipping hard for you in the meantime. I wish you the most wonderful (belated) birthday, with lots of hugs and good wishes. Go and tell your darling that he fell short, and tell him why, and give him a hug. Tell him you felt a bit sad. Tell him you love him. Tell him about the cake. He will realise. But don't dwell, and move on. And look forward to the next one.... so much love. xxxx
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