Almost daily diary!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Back to reality

As my much-looked-forward-to holiday period comes to an end, my sleep becomes disturbed once more and thoughts of work, childcare, finance and divorce flood my mind in the small hours. I try not to look at the clock when I am restless, otherwise I count the hours that I have missed and add them mentally on to my deficit! Lying there in the early morning greyness I can hear the rain steadily falling. What I really need, I think, is a nice warm lie in the sun, I want to hear the crash of the sea and dig for shells on the shoreline. All this is brought on by knowing that my children are in Cornwall. I have checked the weather continuously this last week to see if it is dry where they are. I worry about Small Sprog on his body board and hope that he is supervised enough and warm...

Just as I departed for York I received an email from my prospective employer; I have tried to contact you at home, it says, please call me when you receive this message. I quickly email back to say I am about to drive to York and I will be back at the end of the week. Yet I could have called her then. I am putting it off. I want the job but not the hours, I want to see my children, I want it all.

On the other hand, Husband, despite threats, has not cut us off financially and has paid money into the bank. This month then, I am solvent at least. Yet the threat was very real and who knows what will be up his sleeve next. Do I want to live every month like the last one?

Ah and the good news, I suppose is that a court hearing may be due at the end of November, twenty two months from the day when I told him it was over. The solicitor says the first hearing is only 'House Keeping'. I am not holding my breath, just as well I guess, as I'd have expired long ago!

So in the twilight of morning, as I thought for the hundredth time how useful a crystal ball would be, I tried to encourage myself to make the call. Perhaps to ring at the weekend would be bad manners? Who am I trying to kid?! I have managed to forget reality for the last three weeks, now I must face it, and to be honest, why am I putting myself through this, trying to second guess what they will say? The only way to find out is to make the call.

14 comments:

Steve said...

Picking up the threads after a holiday is always difficult but,, in my experience, never as bad in reality as in imagination.

Elizabeth said...

I have followed you ever since you decided to leave.
You did the right thing even though there are tough times sometimes.
Sunny and bright here in NY!!

Saz said...

....and...and???? have you called yet!!!

thinking of you..scary times.....

we should email...

luv to you all...

saz x

Suburbia said...

Steve, it's not the going back, it's whether to stay on my old job or take the new, and no Saz, not yet.

Maggie May said...

I was hoping that you might suddenly *know* what to do. You know how suddenly things seem to fall into place sometimes & you suddenly know which way to go?
Obviously that hasn't happened.
The threats about the money being cut seems to be some kind of mental torture. Hope he continues to pay up & that you will know what to do soon.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

mrsnesbitt said...

Good to know you are home safe. We are off to York tomorrow for a ride out - I will say hello for you.

Dxxxx

nick said...

Good luck with the phone call. I hope they're keen enough on having you to be flexible with the hours. Aren't all workplaces supposed to be flexible about family responsibilities these days?

Rose said...

Coming back to reality and all its responsibilities is always hard after a holiday. Lying on a beach or having fun with the children sounds infinitely more enjoyable. I'm a great procrastinator, too, but I always feel like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders when I finally take care of a situation. Hopefully, you'll make that phone call soon, and I hope it's good news.

Chic Mama said...

That holiday 'come down' is horrible especially when you have so many things to worry about. My fingers are crossed for you that the job works out.
Take care. xx

Lakeland Jo said...

As you say- oh for a crystal ball eh? Comfort yourself- it will happen the way it is meant to happen, and you make the call when you are meant to make it, and say the right thing for you. XX

Carol said...

Put yourself out of your misery and make the call! At least then you will know one way or another...limbo is worse than knowing. At least when you know you can start to make plans...

*crosses fingers*

Call

C x

Akelamalu said...

Make the call, it may just be the news you are hoping for. :)

Liz said...

I hope you've managed to make the call by now. get it over with. And I sincerely hope it all works out for you.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Suburbia,

My dear sweet lady... you *must* stop worrying and over analyzing so much. It's not going to fix anything and it's certainly no good for you.

Find some things to occupy your mind and time that bring you peace and happiness.

What is going to happen will happen, you can do your best, and that's it. Worrying it all into the ground never benefited anyone on any level.

I know... I do the same thing.

But!

I don't want to know you are bothered so much. Try not to. I wish you peace and contentment.

XOXOXO
Scarlett & Viaggiatore