Almost daily diary!

Friday, October 03, 2014

I guess it was bound to happen?

So, it's September, no October already and as usual everyone starts to look towards December and Christmas. Mum is usually the first person to mention it, in fact I think she's already into countdown mode, but generally I try to avoid it for as long as possible, particularly as Tall Girl insists on making her birthday a priority (November birthday). But something has been looming, for a while now, always in the back of my mind and usually brushed away instantly but actually, at some point, it was bound to happen.

This will be the 6th Christmas since the break up of the family, it seems even longer than that. The children always chose to be with me at Christmas as their dad 'didn't do Christmas' in fact he tended to go into decline around Tall Girls birthday and surface sometime after Boxing day. I remember, once, bringing the kids home from school on a Friday, before Tall Girls birthday weekend, only to find him in bed and having a panic attack. It's the loneliest time of the year to deal with kids and be jolly when your other half is in a deep depression.

Some of it is probably documented here, the lack of interest in festivities, I'm sure I wrote about it once. And now, it seems like a million miles away.

So, I guess that is how it is for the children, a very, very distant memory. They have forgotten why they always chose to have Christmas here, they have forgotten that it was me who made Christmas for them, they have even forgotten how he has stopped buying a tree recently, even though they are there before and shortly after Christmas.

Tonight, Ex Husband came to pick them up, we had the talk - about Christmas. He has spoken to them and they are willing. For them it makes it fair if they share themselves about - I know that, I get that. Maybe he'll make a big effort. I've thought about this happening a lot. It's selfish if me to always have them, how would I feel if I was him? And besides, he has family who live by the sea, he has taken to going down there over the last few years, the children could have a lovely time being by the sea for the Christmas holidays and with several generations of family too.
"What are your plans?" I asked him as he left with them
"I thought we'd stay at home" he said "I spend so much time travelling around, I'd rather not drive anywhere"
And so we have it. My children will be staying at their fathers this Christmas, who doesn't (but hopefully now does) do Christmas and who is too selfish to think about taking them somewhere to celebrate with family.

As he left Small Sprog said "I don't mind where I spend Christmas, as long as I'm still alive"! I don't know what his plans are for the next few months but I sincerely hope he's still with us! However, after he'd gone, I felt incredibly sad... So easily they turn away, without a thought - that's where the pain lies.


Maggie May said...

After all you've done. Well maybe they need a taste of Christmas with him and then they'll get it out of their system and realise where their best interest is.
Maybe you should do something really special and different to make up for it.

We once had Christmas dinner in a hotel by the sea and it was horrid. I've appreciated Christmases at home ever since even though they, are rarely anything special. (Except for family.)
Maggie x

Nuts in May

Steve said...

I agree with Maggie above. Let them try it; experience it and remember. They will be back soon enough and the next few Christmases with you will be guaranteed.

nick said...

I think I agree with the others. Let them try Christmas with their father and see how it goes. I suspect they'll be very keen to spend the next Christmas with you. And yes, being by the sea might not be such fun if it's cold and windy and wet. A warm, cosy house might be more appealing.

Rob-bear said...

Oh, good grief! Sounds perfectly horrid. Your children are such troupers for even thinking of it.

Where the pain lies, indeed.

Blessings and Bear hugs!

DD's Diary said...

I think it's a tribute to the way you HAVEN"T rubbished your ex that your children can contemplate going to him at Christmas. I'm sure it seems as though it's backfiring on you now but after this one Christmas, I bet they won't be taking a chance again ... I don't want to wish them anything but a lovely time but they'll be able to tell their dad is not Mr Festive .... and as they grow older they'll see how hard you have worked over the years to give them a lovely Christmas. Now you need to find something fun to do to make sure you enjoy your freedom from the turkey!!

Liz Hinds said...

Oh yes, heart-breaking. And a shame for them too but they have to learn their own lessons I suppose.

I could eat SS.

Furtheron said...

A tough thing to cope with...

Now for us I think we're about to hear the heartbreaking news at another end of this continuum...

My Son and his girlfriend came down for my birthday weekend and are due again for our grand-nephews 1st birthday do in a couple of weeks time. Hmmmm... two trips to us so close together? I think he's about to say "We're going to Wales for Christmas. We'll spend next year with you". To date they have never spent Christmas together, they've now lived together over 2 years and been a couple 4 so... it is inevitable isn't it? Mrs F will be very very glum.

Her mother already is talking about turkey! Like you we have a daughter birthday in Nov to deal with first then we'll worry about Christmas... IN DECEMBER!!!

Rose said...

I agree with the other commenters, but perhaps TG and SS are feeling a bit guilty about not spending Christmas with their dad and are doing him a kindness this year. I suspect they'll be ready to spend next year with you. Still, that doesn't make this holiday any easier for you.

I understand some of what you're going through. My oldest son got divorced several months ago, and though we're still on decent terms with his ex, seeing the grandkids has been less frequent and sometimes difficult to arrange, which makes me so sad. I don't know what Christmas will bring, but I'm hoping they can join their younger cousins at our house sometime.

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Sorry I missed this: I do think it's probably a good idea for them to go to their Dad's unless they don't want to, but I do get it: every time mine willingly waltz off with my Ex, I feel just a little betrayed xx