Sibling Rivalry

The children decided to conduct World War 3 in the living room tonight, as I was on the phone. Funny how they always choose those sort of moments, when you are incapable of intervening. Sometimes they can sort it all out for themselves but this was a major outbreak! Small Sprog was crying and his sister was shouting.
"Stop shouting!" I shouted. Do as I say, not as I do obviously! Then, after they have calmed down, I say "Treat each other gently"

They have witnessed a couple of 'disagreements' over the last few days, I can't help but worry it will affect their behaviour.

Treat each other gently is on my mind.

PS. As I write, they are hitting each other over the head with a balloon and laughing! No need to worry perhaps?

Time

Time, in this house, moves so slowly. I arrived home at 4 pm with the children today, to find Husband already home. My heart sank. I like to come home to an empty house, not for any particular reason, I just like to faff around for a bit before I make the dinner and I feel more relaxed without him here.

So, instead of chatting to the children and putting on the computer, I started to prepare dinner long before I needed to. I kept checking the time, each moment seemed so long. I felt caged, all the things I wanted to do were in the other room where he was.

We ate early even though we didn't need to and then there seemed nothing to do until Tall Girl needed to go out. The hours seemed empty and wasted.

In stark contrast, I had spent my day with a good friend. From 9 'till 3 the hours just flew by. Time is such a cruel master. Just when you want more time, it runs out, yet when you wish away the hours until the next excitement, time drags it's heals at snails pace. If only I could move the hours around a bit, more here, less there, just rearrange them for a while, until all this is over..........

Reflections

Another birthday party under the belt, and the end of the party season for another year (or 9 months anyway). Small Sprog had a great time at his party. He has some lovely friends, they were a joy to be with during the late afternoon and early evening.

Mum stayed over last night and she has just left. She managed to keep it together for the duration as did I. It has been a strange weekend, almost as if things here were just the same as they had always been. That was the point, I suppose, we all needed to keep things 'normal' for Small Sprog. However it was so easy to be in that state. How can that be? I guess I have got so used to pretending over that last months and indeed years, that it is easy to fall back into the same old routine. This, in itself, is a scary thing. How easy it would be to stay here and play happy families, all the time living in a numb, passionless world, but here none the less. How easy for us all to stay the same and pretend. But then I come to my senses and think, no! It was not easy, that is why I'm where I am at this moment in time. Nothing ever stays the same, I have no wish to live here for a moment longer than I have to. Yet how easy it is to succumb to a recognisable and regular routine way of living, it almost has a soporific effect, it would be so much easier than moving just one small step into the unknown.

Birthday & Assorted bits

It is Small Sprogs birthday today. I can't believe he's 9! We've been to casualty so many times, there were moments when I thought we may never get this far! He is having a party tomorrow so, tonight, we went out to eat. He was most embarrassed when some of the waiting staff sang a rap style 'Happy Birthday' to him at the top of their voices, to the whole packed restaurant! He may remember his 9th birthday for this!

It has been an emotional week with one thing and another (though it has also had some moments of pleasure). I have been dreading Small Sprogs birthday for sometime, however tonight was good and at least I'm half way through the two day event. Mum is coming for his party tomorrow. Although she seemed to take the news well when I visited last weekend, I have spoken to her on the phone this week and it has not been so good. She is constantly questioning my judgement and of course worrying. It may sound a little harsh but I really can't worry about her worrying about me at the moment. I just need her to be there, not judge or fuss. It will be a strain tomorrow when she comes. She has her 'sympathetic' voice on when we speak. I don't need sympathy right now, just some sort of normality. The thing that sent her over the edge was a call from Husband when I was out last Sunday. She really didn't need to have him go over the whole thing with her as I had done on the previous day. He didn't tell me he'd phoned her either, so I was not ready for the fall out when I spoke to her last Monday. Lets hope the whole thing stays under the surface until Small Sprog is safely asleep tomorrow night.

Just one last thing.... Saz from FFF sent me this after I commented on her last post 'Hope'. I liked it, so wanted to share, I hope you do to.....

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all"

Emily Dickinson

Pudding

On the way home from school, Small Sprog decided he was going to make pudding tonight. It was his own recipe.
"I need ice cream" He says.
That's a surprise!
"And biscuits, and those cherries you keep in the cupboard"
"OK" I sigh. Sometimes, when I'm tired, I haven't always got the strength to be enthusiastic about having him (at his most excitable) in the kitchen. However I agreed to him assembling pudding partly because I thought, by the time we ate, he would have forgotten all about it! I was wrong. No sooner had he finished his dinner than he was up and rushing to the freezer. I tell him that I don't think I'm ready for pudding yet and he looks suddenly crestfallen. It is funny how he gets these things into his head and I can't bare to disappoint him. "OK then, just a small portion for me" I sooth, and off he goes into the kitchen to 'create'. It's all in the presentation for him. He takes ages arranging things.

Finally it is done. It's title, 'A Cherry On Top', consisted of a biscuit base, with ice cream balanced on top and a cherry on top of that, all covered in small pieces of chocolate. You can see that the healthy eating message form school is upper most in his mind!
Tall Girl and I ate it with much appreciation. Tall Girl commented on the delicious outcome. "It took me ages to mash up the chocolate" he sighed as he wiped his brow. It's a hard life as a Master Chief.

PS. While I was writing this I had to ask him the title of his creation as I had forgotten. "You're not blogging that are you mum?" He shouts. How well he knows me!

The school run

Small Sprog is excited. It is his birthday on Friday with his party on Saturday and he has an invite for tea on Thursday. What a social whirl! His excitement is almost out of control! This results in him not being able to sleep, which also results in the rest of us not being able to sleep either! Last night he woke several times, and finally got up at 5.30am. Every year we have the same behaviour. I have to say, though it is lovely to be excited, it is exhausting too and that's just me! The outcome of the lack of sleep and excitement leads to extreme overdrive, and that is what he is on at the moment. He can't keep still, he is all over the place, loud, bossy and 'hyper'. Only another five days left to go!! (I'm a mummy get me out of here!)

Anyway, today I went to school to pick him up at 3.15 as usual. I also picked up a friends child, (one of his harem) who is equally excitable. It took me ages to 'herd' them into the car, but finally they were in (very loudly) and constrained in their seat belts! It is a wonderful thing to get them in the car, and hear the silence as I shut the passenger door. It is tempting just to stand there for a while, where I can't hear them, before I walk around the car to open my door, and begin the journey.

As I start the car the music automatically starts. "Turn it up!" They both shout, so I do. "More, more" they chant as the volume goes through the roof and my small car vibrates with the sound. And that is how we drive home. Nickleback at full volume and both of them on air guitar, Small Sprog and his 'Rock Chick'!

My Mum

It is funny how, sometimes, days that you have dreaded turn out to be not so bad in the end. I was not looking forward to breaking my news to mum today. I didn't want to see her upset. However she was wonderful, understanding and calm. She cried a little, because all I said about my relationship resonated with her own, and that is also what spurs me on. In 30 years, I do not want to be where she is now, though she says it is easier of late than it has been for a while.
She is worried for the children, of course, and me too, but she can see I have a strength and resolve to see it through and I think she took some strength from that herself. She has always been there for me, I am very lucky to have her here with me still, no matter how much she flurries in and out of my life! Mums are very special people.

Emotional Rollercoaster

As expected, this week has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. At home things have been difficult at best. Husband told Tall Girl, in a fit of temper, that we are splitting up. It was an unforgivable thing to do to her in the middle of the night. However she has lived with it for a few days and seems to be exploring the fact, and going with it. She is sensible beyond her years and has many friends in the same situation. She has talked it over with some of them and realised, I think (and hope) that life goes on afterwards. I have noticed, especially tonight as I tucked her into bed, that she is examining other peoples relationships. She is mentioning how other peoples parents behave together and I have realised myself, how easy it is to look at other families and couples and see a 'normal' family life that may not really be there at all.

She has promised not to tell Small Sprog, another thing that she has to bare, because it is his birthday next week, and I so want to get through that without any more upset in the house. It is him that I am dreading telling most of all. He is such a happy soul and it will be so sad to see the happiness drain from him. If I was a praying sort of person, I think I would be doing lots of it now.

Each person that I have to tell brings it's sadness. Not a sadness for myself but a sadness at how upset I am making other people by my actions. Tomorrow I am going to see my mum to tell her. This comes second to telling Small Sprog. I have no idea how she will take the news. She will worry, but may be cross and she will most definitely be sad.

But however much I examine the process, I have no choice but to move on. At least I only have to say it once to each person. The whole process is nearly completed and once they are all told, they will come to terms with the situation I hope. Meanwhile friends are so supportive, and the depths of my oasis know no bounds.

PS. Thank you for all your considered comments over the last week.

The visit

My Brother in Law visited today. He listened well and it was an amicable meeting. He says he wishes he'd realised the extent of things here and that, if he had, maybe he could have helped to make things better, which is sweet of him but I think probably not possible. Everyone is so shocked. It's funny how good we get at pretending.

Obviously I am the one who has lived with this impending saga in my head for sometime now, so it is hard for me to understand other peoples shock and confusion. For me, this is the beginning of a new phase, for others it is a sad ending.

Other people are distressed. I have to keep reminding myself that I have been distressed and this is how I am attempting to solve it. Causing it to others is not a nice thing to do but if it is mine or theirs then there seems little choice. Is that selfish? I know it will get worse before it gets better.

9 to 5

After Husband visited his sister last week, I received a call from my Brother in Law to arrange to meet with me tomorrow. It is hard to know what he will say to me, I presume he will be attempting to change my mind, but he has no chance of doing so, and then again, he doesn't know the whole story. I have always got on well with him, and he's pretty decent, but I am the 'outsider' as it were and I feel I my have a slight disadvantage. Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest! I'll see how it goes and let you know.

Pick and Mix

"Mummy, you have a nozzle (Tall Girl speak for nose) like a witch"

She's so cutting sometimes!

"Mmm, thanks!" I reply

"No you haven't" Small Sprog rushes in to rescue me, "it is a perfectly beautiful nozzle, to me" He soothes!

How does he do it? Always on cue, my sweet boy!

I have been lucky enough to receive an award from Jenny Thanks Jen.

I think I have to pass it on ......

........so here goes

This is the blurb that goes with it and needs to be posted alongside the award on your post.

Blogs who receive this award are "exceedingly charming," says it's authors. This award is a fine one because it focuses not on the glory and fanfare of blogging, but in the PROXIMITY to one another through this online-world. "This blog invests and believes in the PROXIMITY--nearness in space, time and relationships. These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement! Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this clever-written text into into the body of their award."

It is hard to chose only 8 bloggers, most people on my sidebar come into this category, so I will award this to the first 8 of you who comment here. I hope that's OK, too difficult to chose otherwise!

And lastly, to everyone who commented on my post below, your support has meant a lot, thanks so much for all your comments, they have stayed in my mind and kept me going this week.

A New Year.

It's only the 7th day of 2009 and things have changed considerably here in suburbia this year. Any of you who visit regularly will know that things in the garden have not always been rosy. When you have lived like that for a long time, it is a relief to change everything.

Lots of people make changes in the new year but we're not talking resolutions here. Resolutions come and go and no one keeps many of them, yet we all do it again the following year. But this is different. Things have got progressively better, or worse depending on your perspective, every day since the first of the month. It is a strange path to follow, but it feels more right than anything else I have ever done, and I'm not one for decision making on a small scale!

Tomorrow Husband is going to his sisters to stay for a while. It is a good thing, for he needs to talk to someone else about what has happened. I will enjoy the time here without him and will not miss his presence, unless the children are both vomiting at the same time, in which case an extra pair of hands always comes in useful!

Meanwhile the children are in blissful ignorance. I know they will adapt, I did, others do.

Some of you will think of me as selfish. It is funny how one can keep a household together for so long yet all at once, suddenly become the one who is to blame. I can live with the title, time will tell the rest of the story.

Taking down the tree.

There is great satisfaction in clearing up after Christmas (for me anyway), the tree has been put outside this morning, the poor tortured thing was well past it's best and there is a mild sense of relief at the return to normality. Oh I've been itching to tidy up for days! The decorations are all packed away in their various boxes, each set has its own box. There is a method in the packing away, is that odd?!

However the children and their friends are sprawled across the floor and haven't even noticed that the tree has gone or that I am hovering around them. They are up for eviction when I finish this post!

Yesterday was spent with some very close friends. Just the children and I. We ate and walked, came home with numb feet and noses, the children played a lot and then we ate again! The company of close and caring friends is such a good feeling. It was the almost the nicest part of my Christmas holiday, and so clearing up today seems a fitting end to the festive period.

PS, I couldn't stand the green background any longer, so I'm back to my restful sea blue, it's a bit like clearing up after Christmas, I need some things to return to normal!

Awards and stuff..........

Small Sprog had a house full of girls yesterday! However he spent his afternoon building castles, well you have to get your priorities right don't you? I am apparently not up to scratch on the castle building front, so we battled instead. At least he can always beat me. He beats me at Mario Kart too, damn it!

On the other hand, Tall Girl and her friends were ensconced on the double bed in the attic for the afternoon, snuggled in duvets, watching this . Her first Chick flick! I wish I'd taken a picture of them, they looked so cute together!

Yesterday, the second day of 2009, was a very good one.

Also.....

....I have been awarded these!

Thank you so much Saz

I am completely thrilled with them, especially the top one because it's so pretty.

Saz says......I'm awarding THE SOULFUL AWARD to the bloggers I find particularly insightful, original, humorous, inspiring and yes soulful!
The online Dictionary definition of soulful is - full of or expressing deep emotion
The Thesaurus offered up these synonyms - ardent, deep, expressive, feeling, fiery, fervid, impassioned, meaningful, moving, passionate, stirred, stirring, tender, touching
I'm sure you get the drift ...

The friendship one speaks for itself I think.

So, I have to pass both on to five people I love to read. So here goes....

For friendship....

BS5

Kitty

Rose

Liz

And lastly Jen (Who always makes me laugh!)

Soulful Bloggers award........

365 to 42

Nuts in May

Scarlett

Hulla and Bobo (both of whom are sometimes very soulful)

xxx

Looking forward or looking back?

So how was it for you?! Did you look forward at New Year or backwards to past years? I reminisced about probably the worst New Year I can remember, which is quite funny now in hindsight, and also to other more special times spent at parties in great company.

The worst one was spent whilst living with a friend. She was bedridden with a bad back. I had moved there temporarily between homes and men, and she had lost her husband the previous year, so we were not in the happiest positions in the first place! She had been laid up with her back for some months and lived in her double bed amongst papers and letters and plates with half eaten dinners on them. It all lived under the duvet with her, only cleared out at intervals which were not regular enough! She liked it that way.

So we were both single at the time and on New Years Eve we drank wine together in her bed and cried! Another friend turned up later who's son had attempted suicide the day before. A happy bunch we all were then! However, it is interesting to look back at that time and realise that these things pass, quite quickly really, and better things turn up sooner or later.

This New Years Eve will be remembered, for me, as being the most unusual and unexpected I have experienced. I spent a fair bit of it listening to a friends marriage problems, which I had no idea about, though I thought I knew her so well. Not a very festive subject but memorable all the same!

Right now I find looking forward to New Years to come almost impossible. I have no idea where this year will go and so, as always, I am living in the past.