Almost daily diary!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Emotional Rollercoaster

As expected, this week has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. At home things have been difficult at best. Husband told Tall Girl, in a fit of temper, that we are splitting up. It was an unforgivable thing to do to her in the middle of the night. However she has lived with it for a few days and seems to be exploring the fact, and going with it. She is sensible beyond her years and has many friends in the same situation. She has talked it over with some of them and realised, I think (and hope) that life goes on afterwards. I have noticed, especially tonight as I tucked her into bed, that she is examining other peoples relationships. She is mentioning how other peoples parents behave together and I have realised myself, how easy it is to look at other families and couples and see a 'normal' family life that may not really be there at all.

She has promised not to tell Small Sprog, another thing that she has to bare, because it is his birthday next week, and I so want to get through that without any more upset in the house. It is him that I am dreading telling most of all. He is such a happy soul and it will be so sad to see the happiness drain from him. If I was a praying sort of person, I think I would be doing lots of it now.

Each person that I have to tell brings it's sadness. Not a sadness for myself but a sadness at how upset I am making other people by my actions. Tomorrow I am going to see my mum to tell her. This comes second to telling Small Sprog. I have no idea how she will take the news. She will worry, but may be cross and she will most definitely be sad.

But however much I examine the process, I have no choice but to move on. At least I only have to say it once to each person. The whole process is nearly completed and once they are all told, they will come to terms with the situation I hope. Meanwhile friends are so supportive, and the depths of my oasis know no bounds.

PS. Thank you for all your considered comments over the last week.


Akelamalu said...

Such a sad and difficult situation but you will get through. ((hugs))

Mean Mom said...

What a difficult time it is for everyone. Tall girl sounds very mature, for her age. Perhaps she will be of some support to small sprog, whenever you break the news. I'm sure that he, too, will know youngsters in similar situations.

I hope that your mother is supportive. I will be thinking of you.

Maggie May said...

Suburbia, I really do feel for you. All this opening up to relatives is bound to be upsetting. Glad that Tall Girl is being sensible about it. As you say, it is so common at school for parents to split, that she won't feel unusual.

I'll send a few prayers your way.
Hope you manage to keep it from Small Sprog till you are ready to tell him and I hope your mum takes it OK. Mum's do worry but she will support you, I am sure.
No easy way, but I am sure that you will get through it and I'm glad you have some good, supportive friends.

Letty said...

oh Suburbia, I feel for you so, so, much, even though I have never met you.

I cannot imagine what you are going through, although, strangely for me, I am going to speak my mind about "husband", your husband.

ok deep breath from me, I don't usually tell it like it is, I like a quiet life, but when I read this bit of your post, I was soooooo angry with your "husband"

"Husband told Tall Girl, in a fit of temper, that we are splitting up. It was an unforgivable thing to do to her in the middle of the night."

This whole paragraph you wrote says it all, and why it is a good thing, however hard it may be for you and the children, it is a good thing you are moving "on up" from him.

This thing he did was totally unforgivable.

Tall Girl deserves more than this, and Small Sprog does too.

I am not given to prayer, for I am not religious, but I do wish and hope for you, that you find someone better, someone who deserves your love and loyalty, and someone who is not cruel and unthinking as to tell his children such things, without thinking of the consequences to them.

The words to the song by the Four Tops song, "What Is A Man" come to mind here.........

"A man can be angry,
& still hold his tongue
A man don’t give up
Till the battle is won.

He knows how to win,
He’s not ashamed to lose.
He knows his destiny
is his alone to choose "

IMHO he should be ashamed of himself for telling Tall Girl such a thing in these circumstances without though for her feelings, her responsibility in knowing so much she doesn't need to really know, and the knock on effect on her in having to keep it from darling Small Sprog.......

Sorry, I do not mean to get involved with this, but Husband's actions here were unforgivable.

Both your children, Tall Girl and Small Sprog, in the things you have written about them on this lovely blog, remind me so much of my babies when they were young, I feel for you so much in this dark time.

However, you are right to say you have no choice.

And I think from what you wrote about Husband's actions in telling Tall Girl in "a fit of temper", you are so right to move on from this relationship.

ok I have probably said too much now, and you may not wish to publish my comments, but this action of your husband made me soooooo mad!!!!!!

You do not mess with children and their emotions and this is what he did. He is an adult, he has to deal with things, and he is able to deal with things, but small children, even not so small, cannot process such emotions and feelings. It is not fair on them.

I hope you find some peace when all this is done and dusted, I cannot bear to think of Small Sprog, (so alike to my boys in character and things he says and does) - I cannot bear to think of his lovely happy soul being spoiled.

Signing off with a very sad heart, but with optimism for your future, it can only get better, trust me!

I tell you, any man who does this horrible thing, in a "fit of temper" - is not worth staying with.

Letty ;0)))))))))))))))

ps I really hate to be so up front, but I cannot believe he did such a thing, sorry, I do not like to "tell it as it is" most of the time I keep my opinions to myself, but his action really riled me.

email me if you are angry with my comments, but hey, I just wanted you to know I was "so with you" on this.

Rose said...

What you are going through is not easy, Suburbia, but once everyone has been "told," you can move on with your life. Some of them may surprise you in being more supportive than you expected, and some may not be surprised at all.

I think Letty has pretty well covered Husband's actions here:) I think the fact that you are so concerned about Small Sprog's reactions and Tall Girl's feelings shows what a good mother you are--you are putting your children's welfare first. With your support and concern, they will come through this.

I'm so glad you posted tonight; I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing.

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

Totally agree with you Maggie May... by our actions we are defined. His action was inexcusable.

When my children watched a fist raised against me in a temper fit by my ex.. we all finally knew it was completely over. A relief for everyone. Verbal abuse wears you down, but I did not expect to get thumped when I finally got help, became aware of the process and at last, stood up for myself! It had taken a while to build up to; it still took a while to completely end it all! I do remember how hard it was hard to tell everyone as I felt a deep sense of shame that my marriage had failed. However, most people expressed surprise that I had not left years ago! The social front we use does not fool everyone, believe me.

The fact was that I had grown up away and he could not deal with it... I guess he lost control over me as my new job was giving me back some self esteem i was lacking. You too have achieved new qualifications. You will have changed. He is probably threatened by it. I see it a lot with my students when their partners retaliate, mainly to keep them under control.. to make sure they are still the focal point of the attention.

Whatever the cause. it takes two to make and break a marriage. No one is faultless. Accept your own
contribution, protect yourself and the children and hold your head high. There are other people and better times in your future.

Just sorry you all have to deal with the fallout.

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

oops - I do agree with Maggie May, but actually it was Letty that sparked me off :)

quiltmom said...

I think you have thought through the things that you need to and are taking steps to make it as easy for others as you can. Each one of us knows the things that we need to grow and to be happy - It is unfortunate that your husband told your daughter - some things can not be undone- I hope that you continue to find support among your family and friends to help you and your children manage during this time of change.
Take care of yourself as you take care of your loved ones.

McBöbø said...

You sound like you're going at this well, Suburbia. I'm only tempted to suggest that it is not you, that is making people sad with your news, but the situation you have to tell them about - which is different.

Lakeland Jo said...

I am a praying sort of person, so I am happy to pray for you and your lovely kids, if you have no objection.
When I was ill last year, lots of people ( from different faiths in fact) prayed for me, and I found it very comforting.

Anonymous said...

We cannot always save our children from pain, but we can aim to give them the tools to deal with it, when they encounter it in their lives.

Right now, I wish you lived nearer, so we could take our kids to the beach (if it wasn't pissing down lol) together to play and let them learn from each other. Kids are so wise and they are also like wee pressure cookers, who regularly need to let off steam.

A woman like you deserves a self aware, emotionally intelligent, sexy, attentive, fun and loyal partner. No less.

Sending big, huge hugs to you and you dear children.

I also hope that you husband finds the support he needs to come through this as well as he is able to, where he is at in his life.

Kitty said...

Hang on in there Burby. I wish I could say I was surprised at what your husband did, but I'm sad to say that I'm not :-( It is my experience that a bitter man will use his children to hurt the person he deems responsible for his hurt. In this case you.

I sincerely hope your experience does not carry on in that vein, but again, I have to say my experience is that it does. You don't need it on top of everthing else.

I hope Tall Girl is ok. It will take her time to adjust, but the fact that you and she can obviously communicate well, will, I'm sure, be of enormous help to her.

Thinking of you. You know where I am. (((Hugs)))


Working mum said...

So sorry to add to your list, but now that Tall Girl knows, could you let her school know?

Sometimes children appear to cope well at home, but their behaviour changes at school (they are on 'best behaviour' at home, but let it out at school) and it helps if teachers know why.

At my school, we are always supportive to children (and parents!) when there are big changes at home.

The good news is, children do settle into a new pattern of life, and, as Maggie May says, it is no longer unusual.

Suburbia said...

Working mum....I rang her school the following morning to tell the head of year. I too work at a school where I see the change in personality of certain children which you mentioned. I shall write to school this week just to make sure the message is heard.

Kitty, it is calmer now, thanks for your support :)

Hulla, I also wish we lived nearer, thank you for your kind words.

Thank you Jo, I have no objection :)

Wise words as always Bobo.

Anna, thank you

Fi, thanks, I'm sorry you had a hard time and you are right, I have grown up and am not the same person who got married 14 or so years ago.

Rose, I know you understand, thanks for thinking of us :)

Letty, thank you for your support! I have no intention of being angry about your comments!

Maggie, it is sad that it is so common isn't it?
Thank you for your prayers.

Mean mom, she was, thank you.

Akelamalu, thanks for your hugs!

this is my patch said...

I'm just catching up with you, so much has happened since I last did. My parents divorced when I was 17 and went on to marry new partners, so I gained an extended family. It will be difficult for the kids at first, but with time they will learn that you had to make this choice for the sake of the whole family. I wish you all the best for 2009, and to happier times ahead. x

Jennysmith said...

So glad you are saying it out in the open, Sub. got the feeling this is what you have wanted for some time. I beg you not to go back on this.

Sorry your daughter got told in such a terrible way but its amazing how resiliant children/tall sprogs are. As you've seen.

Its interesting that tall sprogs examines other couples she knows. When we told the kids last night that we had a surprise for them (Wii Fit related) my daughter said, almost automatically, Were we getting a divorce? It just shows you how commonplace this sort of situation is to them.

My parents never divorced, even tho' I begged them to. (A nice Woody Allen quote for a saturday night).

Thinkin of you sweetie, please talk to me/us any time. xxxx

Lesley said...

I'm a comparatively new reader, but just had to wish you courage and strength to see your way through this horrible part.
It won't mean much to you that I'm thinking of you, but I am!

Dori said...

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said. Yes, his actions were totally unforgivable. Regardless of what transpires between the two of you, the children are innocent and should therefor be treated with the respect they deserve!

Your children are also happy and well adjusted. They also deserve the truth--in age appropriate form. One of the healthiest things my MIL did after her husband left her with two young boys was that she never, ever spoke negatively of him. She was honest about him leaving, but she allowed her children to maintain an untainted, positive image of their dad. True character comes out in the end, but they found that out on their own.

All that to say...have courage. This too shall pass! And there's peace at the other end!

Working mum said...

So glad you'd done that! Didn't want to appear too bossy, but it will help.

cheshire wife said...

So sorry that things can not be sorted amicably. Your husband had no right to use Tall Girl as a pawn in a fit of spite.

starnitesky said...

Thinking of you lots, your husband has been very inconsiderate so unfair on Tall Girl. I am pleased she is taking it well. I know it is difficult but you will all get through this.