Almost daily diary!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Reflections

Another birthday party under the belt, and the end of the party season for another year (or 9 months anyway). Small Sprog had a great time at his party. He has some lovely friends, they were a joy to be with during the late afternoon and early evening.

Mum stayed over last night and she has just left. She managed to keep it together for the duration as did I. It has been a strange weekend, almost as if things here were just the same as they had always been. That was the point, I suppose, we all needed to keep things 'normal' for Small Sprog. However it was so easy to be in that state. How can that be? I guess I have got so used to pretending over that last months and indeed years, that it is easy to fall back into the same old routine. This, in itself, is a scary thing. How easy it would be to stay here and play happy families, all the time living in a numb, passionless world, but here none the less. How easy for us all to stay the same and pretend. But then I come to my senses and think, no! It was not easy, that is why I'm where I am at this moment in time. Nothing ever stays the same, I have no wish to live here for a moment longer than I have to. Yet how easy it is to succumb to a recognisable and regular routine way of living, it almost has a soporific effect, it would be so much easier than moving just one small step into the unknown.

20 comments:

Kitty said...

So glad to hear the celebrations went without a hitch. And just goes to show what can be achieved when adults put their feelings to one side. But feelings can't always live in the sidelines, can they?

Be brave. Show your kids how to be true to themselves and they'll thank you for it.

Take care. xxx

Maggie May said...

Staying put....older people had to do just that, Suburbia........ so you have a freedom that many didn't have.
Glad the party went well.

Elizabeth said...

I think you are being brave.

Mean Mom said...

Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing, but pretending obviously isn't getting any easier for you, either. If you really do feel that your relationship is over, then this must be the time to keep your resolve. I can't tell you how sorry I am that you are having to deal with this situation.

I'm really glad that Small Sprog's party went well and that everyone pulled together.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

WE keep this facade up, for many different reasons and for different people, we want them to think we are faultless and perfect and great at it all, but we can't do it, the facade cracks and they see we are just like them....some we not stay by you..
scared that its contagious...its not...but...

breathe babe...your doing great..
sorry l keep missing you on chat

glad the party went well...

Hullaballoo said...

I am full of pride in you. It will be so important to small sprog that his party went well. Excellent job, S. {{Suburbia}} xxx

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

Dear Suburbia, (how I wish I knew your real name, this feels so impersnal!!), this post of yours was very well thought out, considered and honest.

Yes, you are so right though, it is always simple to take the "easy" route in life.

Personally I think however hard this may be for you at the present time, you are taking the right route.

"Routine, numb, passionless", all those dull words you wrote, which kinda bring a chill to my heart.

Yes, it is very easy to pretend, easy to go along the familiar route, however, life is an adventure, and if it is right, you will take hold of the adventure and shake its arm off!!!!!

Who wants to remember being safe, routine, numb and passionless?

A choice between being dull and pretending, being unhappy and restrained, or taking in the bigger picture and taking that "leap in the dark" means no contest!!

Nothing stays the same, you are so right, also, your lovely Small Sprog and Tall Girl, will respect you so much in the years to come, for the fact you had the "courage" to face the facts, however unhappy, and take the leap into the unknown.

Scary now, but one day you will look back and know you made the right decision.

Hey, who wants to be old and full of regrets?

We only have one life, we need to make the most of it, and when we are both old, we will look back and say "hey Kids, we tried, and made the best of things, we did not stay comfy, we went out, and we discovered, we cried, we laughed, and most of all we lived our lives to the full"..

Go for it Suburbia, have no regrets.

My Aussie Adventure is a case in point, I had many doubts about travelling over there alone, at my age, but hey, it is proving one of the best decisions of my life.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained! We all need to be a wee bit scared now and again, how boring we would be, if we were never scared or apprehensive.

A leap in the dark, but what adventures, what thrills and what opportunities.

Take a deep breath, you are going to have a ball.

Your friend, Letty ;)))))))

Rose said...

I am so glad that the party went well for Small Sprog!

I was here early this morning, but couldn't think what to say. I don't know that I'm much more coherent now, but you are right that so many of us live a "pretend" life. I applaud you for facing reality and getting on with your life, having the life that you want--and DESERVE!

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

Five years have passed since I traded the "numb and passionless" for the hope of a new life. I had stuck with it for the children... assuming that this was "marriage" and you had to put up with it.
You don't.
Yes it will be hard.
Yes, it will be emotional.
Yes you will feel fear and anxiety and euphoria and relief.
You will feel!!!
You will cry. And laugh.

You will meet new people, lose old friends, rediscover yourself, start dating, learn to live alone. Eventually you will develop a new relationship.

Now, I feel secure and happy and contented. I can cope with the inevitable emotional issues that crop up from time to time when dealing with my ex, the children, their relationship... but I have a new home and partner and NO REGRETS.
Be true to your own needs.
:)

Working mum said...

Not easy to stay the same, not easy to change, but ultimately the outcome has to be happiness rather than misery so that requires the change. I guess your mum just wants to make sure that you will be happy in the end.

Suburbia said...

Thanks Kitty, but halfway through thte afternoon I was ready for change believe me!!!

Thanks Maggie, I will not waste it.

Thank you Elizabeth, I don't feel very brave right now.

Mean mom, I know I'll get there eventually.

Thanks Saz

Letty, no I do not want to be old and full of regrets, sometimes it's just so hard to swim against the tide.

Rose, thanks for coming back.

Fi, Thanks, you are right, there is not much left if you can't feel.

WM, I know she worries because she loves me.

Jennysmith said...

Oh Suburbia, you have really hit this on the head. Yes, one can sleepwalk their way through anything. Luckily for you, you woke up in time.

Its natural you don't want to live in your house anymore. You're ready for a fresh slate. and you're going to get it soon xxxxx

the eternal worrier said...

A heartfelt post Sub. Every time I wonder about the past I hear of someone going through the same thing. Asking the same questions of themselves and the situation they are in. Best Wishes EW.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Hi
Thanks for visiting my blog. Glanced through yours only as its very late. How sad am I on a computer this time of night! Will come back and look properly I promise. You sound as if you having a tottering time. Life is never simple. Once stayed at a remand centre, Kingswood years ago for a job interview. Very strange it was. drifted into teaching instead. Also drive a motorhome bought at Weston Super Mare.
Good luck.
Ken

swile67 said...

You need to wear my necklace for a day!! It is a birdcage and the bird is out of the cage. My best friends and I created a saying based on this necklace, "Free the Bird!" We have been to dark places and are now FREE and it feels amazing! Freedom will come for you out of your dark place soon..hang in there:)

Brett said...

I really feel for you, there are times when i think it could be better, we all must have those thoughts some times, but on the whole i stick with it and so far am right doing that. But to take the road you have taken must have been so hard i could never be that brave.

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

Suburbia, it is very hard to swim against the tide, but the tide ebbs and flows, and one day you will be swimming with it.

Trust me, numb and passionless worlds are not for you. Be a strong swimmer!

I admire your courage, I swam against the tide (albeit in different circumstances, not marriage, but work) for a long while and reached my sunlit bay, with calm waters.

You will too.

Suburbia said...

Brett, your comment has shocked me, but I'm glad that you're doing ok.

Suburbia said...

EW, thanks for your support, I know you have been there.

S67, I did indeed feel like a caged bird tonight. It is not a good feeling.Thanks for your words.

Welcome Ken, please call again!

Hi Jen, you are right, it is like sleepwalking.

cheshire wife said...

Glad that the party went smoothly.

Sometimes the devil that you know seems to be the easier option than the devil that you don't know. I think that you are being very brave.