Almost daily diary!

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Dream

The 20th October 2010. A crossroads, a major event, our court date that has taken nearly two years to materialise. Yet...

I settled out of court in the end. It was last minute and 'to the wire'. Part of me couldn't face going to court and the other half couldn't face the outcome if we went. My solicitor told me I was mad and could have got what I was entitled to had I continued to fight. But at what cost? I asked her; to her it was just another day at the office.

I may regret my decision one day, but now it is too late. I settled for less and he gets to keep his precious house. The children are overjoyed that they will not have to loose their home again. For that reason alone I have done the right thing, for now.

The outcome is, though, that I may never get on the property ladder again in my own right. I have this dream you see, of a cottage in the countryside, of roses and flowers and animals and endless sunny days. I feel the need to complete my journey to that place, yet it is such a selfish dream. Those I tangle along with have other dreams and other places to go, yet the dream is strong, and one I could not make happen in my last life. It is, perhaps, a foolish dream and one which (I have suddenly remembered) my Mother also had, when she was younger.

Every year, for as long as I can remember, my Mother has made her own Christmas cake, as did her mother before her. When I was little I used to love to watch her mix up the magical cake, the first step towards the best time of the year when you are small! And before she lovingly put the mixture, all sticky and sweet smelling, into the baking tin, I was given 'a wish and a stir'. I would hold the wooden spoon in my small hand, and with my eyes tight shut, I would stir and make a wish. A wish never to be told.

I wished the same thing year after year. I wonder if she every guessed my wish? I think not, for I wished that my Mother should eventually live the cottage that she had always wanted, and I wished so hard for roses around the door and happiness all around. I still do wish, against all odds, even now; knowing that they are as elusive as a dream is impossible. My Mother has never lived in that cottage and gave up her dream long ago, though she is lucky enough to be comfortable now in her bungalow, and that is a blessing.

So this coming week, while the children and I are on our Half Term holidays,  I will mix up the Christmas cake mixture, all sweet smelling and sticky with spice and brandy and cherries and fruit. And I will pass the wooden spoon to Tall Girl and then to Small Sprog and, in turn, they will make their wish. Small Sprogs wishes are hard and true. He closes his eyes tight shut and wishes with all his might. I may never know what he wishes for, but whatever it is for both of them, they truly deserve it all.

22 comments:

Crystal Jigsaw said...

That was a lovely post. We all want our dreams to come true but when those dreams include our loved ones, they are so much more important. I hope you get your cottage one day and the roses round the door.

CJ xx

Rose said...

I'm so happy the divorce is final! Now you can move on and focus on what is important to you. I think we all have dreams like this that never materialize. But just remember that a cottage in the country with roses around the door doesn't mean "happiness all around":)

Thanks for dropping by to visit me; I've been wondering how you were doing, but I thought you were probably very busy adjusting to your new job. Take care.

Furtheron said...

You have done the right thing fullstop! Move on, it is behind you, don't regret anything now or in the future. The big thing is that, it is done and dusted.

I remember my Mum making the Christmas pudding mixture... not that I liked it - it makes me sick! :-) But we all used to take turns at a stir and a wish. One thing my wife misses every year now is one of my Mum's puds :-(

Word veru - Shlogate... sounds like something I've been missing in the tabloids LOL!

Maggie May said...

Some people say that nothing is impossible and I really hope that you will one day get your dream cottage in the country.
Always expect the unexpected because you can never predict what might happen so that your dream COULD happen. Hold onto it.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Lakeland Jo said...

And you deserve what you dream of too, so don't give up on it. Move on and up X

Saz said...

very poignan and particlarly stirring for me...I to have dreaded the thought of court and he knows it...but we too will go to the wire, not sure l can go beyond again..been there before and it has bad feelings for me....my solicitor knows this..we will see..

my rents been pulled as the csa have enforced my claim for our son..so am behind the rent, he didnt deign to tell me...

hey ho lifes a bitch..hence me too distracted to drive 800 miles...

this is life as we know it...I await jumping over the line that l too will be able to draw under this.. l am happy for you...

the mortgage thing is a bugger...I too have hankered since '96 when we lost ours...lost? pissed it away...LOL..

its the home that matters, l have also started on a dollshouse project, sad perhaps but l can at least create my dream in miniature..
our kids are safe thats the crucial element..
luv you

saz x

Saz said...

btw you shoudl check out the tubes cee lo green video its on my blog from a few days ago...very apt for you to sing LOUDLY!!!

nick said...

Yes, you may have got less than if you'd gone to court but I totally understand your reluctance to face the court hearing. It can be a nasty experience even for people who're prepared for it.

I remember wishing and stirring when my mother made the Christmas cake. I can't remember what I wished for though! I hope the youngsters get what they wished for. And I hope you get your wee cottage even though it doesn't seem likely at this moment. I never thought I'd own a house but fate was kind to us....

Steve said...

Dreams only never come true when you give up on them. Hold fast to it... life often takes wonderfully unexpected turns and dreams can come true...

Akelamalu said...

My wish for you is that you get your cottage in the country. It's settled now, put it behind you and be happy. xx

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

I hope all your wishes come true.
:)

In the meantime, keep dreaming, for if we have no dreams then we truly have nothing, indeed.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Rob-bear said...

You've told a very touching story.

So sad an ending to the marriage. But its over. And you seem grateful that part is over. Which I can appreciate. One less battle to keep fighting.

Dreams and hopes are so important. I must confess that I have given up on some of mine; I just don't have the energy or the money to pursue them.

I hope, though, that you will get your cottage, some day.

Liz said...

If you aim for the moon chances are that at very least you'll hit a passing star. (How very deep and meaningful that sounds! Either that or trite!)

Keep wishing, sub!

Casdok said...

Wow has it really been 2 years.

Enjoy making your cake and wishes with your family :)

Cheshire Wife said...

We live in a cottage with a rose by the door. (It isn't always in flower). Life is not perfect. There are aspects of it that we would love to change, but can't. Only the lucky few get to live their dreams. The rest of us have to settle for something less. Unfortunately that is life. Keep on dreaming!

Working Mum said...

I hope you stir the mixture too! You can still have that dream. None of us can know what will happen in the future. Keep wishing.

WM x

the eternal worrier: said...

Keep on dreaming I say. X

se3s2a said...

IS VERY GOOD..............................

this is my patch said...

Aah, what a lovely post. It was the brandy injecting that I remember the most with my Mum and her cake! Dreams keep us going. x

Kitty said...

You can only do what you think is right at the time of 'doing' ... and that's what you have done. I hope drawing a line under the whole thing will bring you a peace, and that you can get on with living your new life. One day your children will know about your unselfishness. :) x

Starnitesky said...

I am catching up with blogs as I have had no internet for a while.
this is a lovely post, one that I can share but unfortunately a dream that will probably stay a dream (for me). I think you have done the right thing and you can now get on with your life. Leave the past behind.

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Just found you thanks to Chic Mama, and think I will have to read everything as I am in the final stages of renegotiating a separation myself. Best of luck with your future x