Almost daily diary!

Monday, December 06, 2010

Too much, too soon?

Too much perhaps, forgetting myself, thinking that everything was all right, that we were out of the woods. And for me it is all right, yet for Tall Girl...

"Christmas won't be the same this year" She said to me, her beautiful brown eyes filling with tears.

What could I say? No it will not be the same and thank goodness for that?! No I could not say that. Is it her teenage state of mind? I cried through vast amounts of mine! In a way I hope it is, it relieves me of the huge weight of responsibility.

I told her we will have a fine Christmas, I told her that we are forging new traditions and making happy memories that we will keep until, God willing, she grows up and no longer wants to come home for Christmas. I told her to focus on all that we have to be grateful for, there is much to consider; rather than thinking of all that has been lost.

Can she do that? Is it too big a concept for her at 14 years of age?

It's OK for me I guess. I was unhappy with the situation, my marriage, but it was their normality, their ontological security. I know that their father hates Christmas, but they don't really understand this, it has not crossed their path. When we were living as a unit I was the one making the memories, protecting them from the negative as much as I could. Perhaps it worked. They have different memories to mine.

I look at my lovely daughter, I worry about how I have changed her life, their lives, in a whirl wind. Though I am 'out of the woods' for them it is different. They still return to the family home to visit their father. For me it is over. I am glad never to cross the threshold of my old house, my old life, again. But they do it every 2 weeks. It is hard for me to understand how that effects them, no matter how much I try.

My beautiful son has written Christmas cards already and bought some very thoughtful presents, with no help from me at all. My lovely daughter has wavered in shops. No matter how I try to persuade her, she has not written one card, despite receiving several. I am hoping she has not inherited her fathers dislike of all things festive!

I will try to make our Christmas special. I am doing all the things I have always done. I hope the continuity will be a comfort and not a reminder? For me all is well. For Tall Girl? My heart hopes so.


Akelamalu said...

You will make Christmas special for your children, as you always have and it will be without the underlying tension of previous years. I'm sure your daughter will be fine.

nick said...

I hope you all have a really great Christmas and Tall Girl will find that it doesn't have to be just the same as before.

Steve said...

A first "new" Christmas is always a bit weird but after than the "newness" loses it's harsh lustre and becomes comfy tradition... all will be fine. I wish you all a wonderful time.

Lakeland Jo said...

I don't think you can force anything- you just do your best for both children and give them the space they need. I suppose the hardest thing to remember in these situations is that their father is 50% of who they are, and it is natural they will feel torn. I hope you have a lovely time- you deserve to be happy X

Rob-bear said...

"Firsts" in a new circumstance are always a challenge. I hope Tall Girl can experience the discovery of new possibilities.

And Small Sprog continues to be just so earnest. He's amazing, as is Tall Girl, but in different ways.

Rose said...

I can't help but think at Tall Girl's age everything affects her more emotionally, only natural for a teenager. You are creating wonderful new traditions for the children that they will grow to appreciate.

Kitty said...

Making new traditions is what it's all about, and that is easier for some than others. My own experience was that my daughter needed to grieve the loss of our family unit. My son took it much more in his stride. You are there for her whilst she works it out - she will be fine, in her own time. x