Almost daily diary!

Friday, January 14, 2011


I know I should be writing a grateful list, and I am truly grateful for so many things, but during these last few weeks I have found that the negative thoughts have taken over. Perhaps it's the time of year, or the economic climate. Perhaps it's the sudden realisation that financially I am alone.

On New Years Eve I had too much time to think. I mentally reviewed the last two years, new year always makes me reflective. Since then I have been tearful and I can't seem to get out of it. Quite often I'm feeling under the weather, but not enough to stop. If only I could stop.

Work has been fractious, with abusive children, fighting teenagers and, in another job, a small boy who refuses to do anything that he is asked to to. I feel tired before I get to work, by the end I'm exhausted. I am forgetting things, simple things like which words to use. It's a little frightening. Normally I can cope, but not recently.

Tomorrow I am looking at a house to buy, soon I need to move but there is still no sight of the settlement. On one hand I am counting the weeks until my temporary job ends, 10 in all, and on the other by then my lease will have run out. I have no cash to buy us a home and once my temporary job finishes my working tax credits will stop until I can find more work. Finding work is becoming increasingly difficult. I need my working tax credits to afford the mortgage I want. It seems an endless circle of things just not happening in the right order. Sometimes it doesn't seem too unreasonable to ask for a break does it? Just a little, very little small one, just this once?

If the cash came through next week things might look better. But I fear, even if it did, it will not dispel the blues now.


Steve said...

The time of year doesn't help, expecially when things seem so uncertain... but things have a way of sorting themselves out. Try not to beat yourself up or drive yourself too hard... that will stop you seeing a clear way forward.

Furtheron said...

this time of year is a problem - there are loads of stats to back up this being the most depressing time of the year.

something will present itself

Miss Sadie said...

Oh, dear, Sub; this is so sad. Caught between a rock and a hard place, with no place to turn and no resources to call upon. If I weren't already deeply depressed, I would be after reading this. (A black dog with a "black dog.")

I have no wisdom to offer, but will uphold you in my thoughts and prayers.

Maggie May said...

I have to agree with the others that this time of the year is very depressing for some reason or other. Many people are feeling the blues right now.
You have some very real worries. I really hope that you will get a little property to buy and that the work credits and another job will come your way pretty soon.
Seems like a lot to ask but I think you are going to get there Sub, I really do. Keep chugging along one day at a time.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Lindsay said...

I am so sorry you feel so low. I hope things improve fast!

nick said...

Sorry to hear you're so miserable just now. Feeling tired before you even get to work is no fun. I hope the settlement money comes through soon and things start to look a bit rosier.

Rose said...

I wish I could offer you some great advice or at least give you a hug, Suburbia. Sometimes it seems life throws every obstacle at you all at once, and the winter blues don't help either. I hope things improve with time, and everything works out for you.

By the way, my first year of teaching was horrible; sometimes you just have those years with the classes "from hell." If you can make it through this year, maybe next year will be completely different.

Elizabeth said...

I hope you feel better soon.
This all sounds most grim and depressing now
but it WILL get better.
Greetings for the new year

Why all the worry? said...

January is without doubt the worst most pointless month of the year. I know it doesnt mean much but Im sure youre not alone in how you feel at the moment. x

this is my patch said...

Just popped over to wish you a Happy New Year. Sorry to find you feeling like this. No consolation to you, but I have been feeling just the same. Very tearful, and wanting total happiness. Too much to ask for, I think. It's difficult at this time of year to find incentive to immerse into something one really enjoys, to blot out the c*!p life throws at us. Keep your chin up, like I will be doing mine! x

Kitty said...

Is it possible for you to renew the lease on the home you have at the moment, but ask that there be a 'break clause' written into the contract? This is very common and gives either you or the landlord the right to 'give notice' on the contract - usually with 8 weeks' notice. That way you can continue to live where you are, but if and when things 'come through' you can think about moving on.

You really don't need the stress of thinking about everything now - I'm sure that's why you're feeling down. That and, as the others say, the time of year. Reflection can be very positive, but like a room which we tidy, it can often lead things to 'look worse' for a little while, before they look better.

Take care, and keep your chin up. I'm on the end of an email if you want to offload. :) x

Shopgirl said...

I just found your blog and am sorry you are feeling down. I hope things turn up soon and if it doesn't, you find peace while waiting for that inevitable change in circumstances. Sending "get better" vibes to you too.

Lakeland Jo said...

is there a deadline when you willfind out about your settlement? I think Jan is horrid.Cold and dark, often raining or snowing, gardens are brown. Lots of people have money problems at this time- and a lot of people do reflecting and clearing out in their heads. I am thinking of you and hope all the uncertaintly will settle. Think of what you have achieved Sub. Like me I am struggling with recovering and I get really down, then I remember what I have achieved and see the bigger picture. Hang on in there lovely lady XX

Akelamalu said...

Certainly this time of year lots of people feel blue - it is actually Blue Monday today.

I've got everything crossed that your settlement comes through soon which will give you less to worry about. I'm sure things will work out well. x

Working Mum said...

This time of year doesn't help. You do have some real worries there, but there will be a way forward, it's just hard to believe that in January. Keeping my fingers crossed for a solution for you.