Almost daily diary!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Mothers love (A Valentine for My Daughter)

We walk together, the february sun feeling warmer on our backs than it should for the time of year, the birds singing like its the middle of spring, and not for the first time, I wonder at how life takes the most amazing twists and turns.

The warm air prompts me to open a picture in my memory, one of a very small girl. It was the early promise of spring that reminded me, and indeed it was probably 15 years ago to the day; a warm february day, on a different walk with a different man and a one year old, who had changed my life beyond all expectations.

Before being a mother I was a different person, though I am closer now to what I once was, than I have been since but Motherhood was a massive shock. Post-natal depression didn't help, all at once I was ricochet from a promising design career to a full time mother who couldn't understand why she was still in pyjamas at 3pm and had spent most of the day trying to look after a small bundle with no instruction manual.

Our lowest point on this massive journey that she has joined me on (or perhaps I have joined her?)was one dark December day, after trying to get her to feed for what seemed hours, just sitting on the sofa with tears rolling down my face, and as I cried, she cried, we were both in despair and there seemed little respite in the lonely days of early motherhood. And there we were for most of the daylight hours; November is not a great month to give birth, it felt very cold and dark and lonely. I was overwhelmed by the feeling (for the first time in my life)of responsibility and it gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. I wanted my old life back, at that moment I don't think I had ever wanted anything more.

Yet a year and a bit later I remember walking in a beautiful park on a day just like this one, unusually hot for the time of year, and a little girl, once so small, now looking like a proper person. I have a photograph of this day, she is smiling an insane smile, full of cheekiness, she has on a long sleeved t-shirt with flowers on the front and she is brandishing a pair of sun glasses at the camera. My baby girl, the two of us together on this long and dangerous journey of life, discovering what makes us both tick, what hurts us and how to carry on.

In what seems like an instant, all of a sudden, she is 15 and we are living a life so far away from the one back then, further away than I had ever expected, that it is hard to imaging the other walk with the other man and the hotter than it should be sun on our backs all that time ago.

We have come a long way, baby girl and I. I never realised what it was to love a child until I became a mother, it grows and as far as I know, it has no end. I can't imagine my world without her. She has so much further to go now than I do; I do hope her route is not too hard, for I don't think I could bear that.

13 comments:

Lucia said...

OH how beautiful. My daughter was born November 1st! She is 14. This made me cry!

Suburbia said...

Mine born on the 9th :-)

Maggie May said...

Aw....... this was beautiful. Brought back my own memories.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Rob-bear said...

Ah, so tender and sweet.

What delightful thoughts for Tall Girl!

Furtheron said...

What an absolutely lovely lovely post.

My daughter was a November baby too - and my wife had a lot of problems feeding her unlike her older brother. Maybe it is something with November babies!

D-o-F is now 16 and becoming a young woman. Where did the years go!

Steve said...

Our journeys through life are made beautiful by those with whom we share the journey...

Lucia said...

yes come to think of it breast feeding was not fun for my November baby! She was so fussy. When we gave her the bottle at night now that was when I got some sleep!

nick said...

That's very touching that at one point you were in such hopeless despair at the burden of motherhood and then just a year later everything had changed and you were happily walking with your daughter in the park.

I guess we all have stories of times like that, of how defeat mysteriously turns into victory and a new joie de vivre.

BS5 Blogger said...

Wonderful x

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Beautiful post - and I remember those moments of despair with my first baby girl. I wonder if you had help?

Rose said...

What a beautiful post and sweet valentine to your daughter. Nothing quite prepares us for parenthood, that's for sure. I was a young mother, quite unprepared for the little boy who was totally dependent on me. But I remember the first time he smiled at me--I realized then how strong a mother's love can be.

Carol said...

Aherm *clears throat*

Nope, that didn't bring a big lump to my throat at all

Didn't I tell ya

C x

Suburbia said...

Hi Blue Sky, I had help in the form of tablets! It worked pretty well.