Moving between two lives, one as a Mother, Daughter, General Domestic Help and potential Ex- wife, and the other as Lover and Single Female with not a care in the world, is hard enough at the best of times. It gets harder each time in fact. It messes with my head and, on my return home, my realities fluctuate wildly for a while. And then, suddenly, all that I am certain of falls away, like scales from my eyes, and I am left with the stark reality of everyday living, with no one to talk to who could possibly understand the enormity of it all. I only have myself to blame. It is so easy to be carried away on moments of happiness even when you keep telling yourself that there is another life out there waiting to gather you up and spit you out again.
Today I am lost. Today I have realised how easy it is to lose it all, but nevertheless, whatever happens, my plans for the children and I to be self sufficient one day will play out to the end.