Almost daily diary!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

More than just post weekend blues.........

After a beautiful weekend, it was bound to happen. My return to earth was fierce and brutal and when you are as high as a kite you have so much further to fall.

Moving between two lives, one as a Mother, Daughter, General Domestic Help and potential Ex- wife, and the other as Lover and Single Female with not a care in the world, is hard enough at the best of times. It gets harder each time in fact. It messes with my head and, on my return home, my realities fluctuate wildly for a while. And then, suddenly, all that I am certain of falls away, like scales from my eyes, and I am left with the stark reality of everyday living, with no one to talk to who could possibly understand the enormity of it all. I only have myself to blame. It is so easy to be carried away on moments of happiness even when you keep telling yourself that there is another life out there waiting to gather you up and spit you out again.

Today I am lost. Today I have realised how easy it is to lose it all, but nevertheless, whatever happens, my plans for the children and I to be self sufficient one day will play out to the end.

18 comments:

Letty A Little Girl With Many Curls said...

Hi Suburbia, I have lots to catch up upon, just wanted you to know I am still in the land of the living, trying to catch up with all the blogs.

Take care, this time will soon pass, all time does..........you will be surprised when you look back how swiftly it all disappears.

Letty ;0)

Maggie May said...

I can feel your pain. It is something you will have to go through, I guess. Not easy, but surely the end is in sight?
((hugs)) X

Laura Jane Williams said...

I'm with Maggie May. Soldier on. It is darkest before dawn.

x

lakeviewer said...

Somebody in blogland can advise you on the next steps. You probably know already that there are no guarantees. Ask yourself am I and the children better off if I take this step?

Rose said...

It's not easy living a double life; you're so right that when you are so happy, you have that much farther to fall into depressing reality. I can only echo everyone else's comments--hang in there; things are sure to get better!

Hullaballoo said...

"fluctuating realities," how well put. It's very unsettling, how could it be otherwise, because everything has turned upside down and suddently life opens up in delightful ways. Bask in the energy of being a lover, it will help tide you through. It's two years ago today that I separated, how quickly life changes.

Steve said...

Stick with it. All you can do it ride out the bad days without letting them interogate you too much. You'll be see-sawing like this for a couple of years but eventually you will find your even keel once more.

Liz said...

Hang on in there, suburbia. Hold the special times close to your heart and retreat there when you want to hide. x

Furtheron said...

hmm - self sufficiency....

a word of caution to you if I may

I have lived all my life in the conviction that everybody had the "book of life" that told them how to do it. Somehow I'd missed that day at school. I thought I had to do it all myself. I still do that, I'm faced with a problem today at work and my reaction is "I should know that" but reality is I don't I need to ask for help.

Just be careful the self reliant tunnel can be long windy and dark if you are not careful don't be driven by it as a goal I've been there (still am) and it at times is a nasty place.

Take care

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

oh dearie me, you are not lost, just confused and a tad overwhelmed. Of course thats understandable. Count your blessings, well you already have in the first paragraph and breath love.

you WILL be fine and dandy, you know it down deep.

(HUG)

FFF

nick said...

Just hang on to the memories of the happy interludes while you take the necessary steps out of your present situation. They'll remind you of why you were right to extricate yourself.

Dori said...

Hugs! That's all I've got. (((((hugs))))

Elizabeth said...

Thinking of you and hoping that this all resolves itself without too much more delay.
So difficult for you all
love

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

re half term, I've got the next five days off...like t be hanging around. Though they've both been out and since I've been doing housework, tidying sheds, I loo like 've just got up...I will shower soon, but dinner is on the simmer, and Larry's walked in early and is in there instead..

as my gran used to say, 'l'll got to the bottom of our garden!

the eternal worrier said...

I feel the same tonight. I’m completely deflated. As I thought a long draining day at work has removed any carefree feelings I had built up over the last few days spent with LW. Hey at least it’s nearly the weekend. x

Anonymous said...

i lived a life much like the one you describe as i went through separation and divorce from my husband. it was hard, but the time i spent with my partner though a kind of fairytale, strengthened me. Enabled me to bear the trials ahead, gave lie to the reason why i knew my husband was somehow wrong for me and our children to live with. the 'drop' after a weekend with our beloved is only to be expected.
I am a few years down the line . I am now divorced as is my partner though we do not live together.... distance and family commitments make that hard , and having disrupted our children's lives already we try to be adult enough to balance our needs with theirs.
we will have a lifetime ahead but they need us and they need stability and to know they have an unconditional home now.
you are ,as we all are, a parent first but still very much a woman
it will come good

BS5 Blogger said...

I hope it's a sunnier day today, Suburbia....

Not Waving but Drowning said...

We're all rooting for you, chin up,

GG