Almost daily diary!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

The weekend

The children have had some 'down time' at home at last. Yesterday afternoon we all went to the local park, which has just had a long overdue renovation, and they played happily for hours with friends, whilst I and Mother of Two Boys, greedily munched on some tasty nougat which she had brought along for the purpose!

Today, Tall Girl and Small Sprog have been around and about the street with the Nit Children. They've played on their bikes, they've swooshed about a lot of water and got out the 'spud gun'! It's been a beautiful day and 'playing out' is just what they should be doing. However, today I have felt lonely. 

When I am in the house by myself I never feel lonely. I positively love it, and I'm fairly happy in my own company most of the time. But today I have not been alone here. Husband has been in all day too, and to have him here is not relaxing. I am on edge. I can't find a quiet spot to breath easy. I feel lonely but am not alone. I think the loneliness comes from the empty space that gapes between us. I am not regretful about that, I have so much more now, than I had before, but I am impatient to get through it all and move on.

Sometimes, when I forget that I have so much to be thankful for and forget that I have had such wonderful good fortune to have two healthy children and some very special and caring people in my life, something pulls me up sharp and reminds me to enjoy the positive things in the' here and now'. This time the something came from one of those special people, by e mail, I hope he doesn't mind me sharing:

"I love getting up early. It's such a delight to meet the possibility of the day before it arrives and then all the potential thereafter is free. 

Taking delight from whatever you can muster in any given minute is quite refreshing."

Makes you think huh?

PS. Thank you to everyone who has commented recently, especially regarding solicitors. It is in their hands now, though I suspect it will not happen quickly.


Lakeland Jo said...

carpe diem- I vote for that

Maggie May said...

Funny that. How you can feel lonely even in company and not be lonely by yourself! it all depends on the situation.
It has been a brilliant day. Went for a long walk.
Glad your children enjoyed themselves in the park and nougat is delicious in small quantities. Prefer chocolate though!

Steve said...

It sounds like you're getting to the position where you'll both need you're own space / place to live as being together is becoming a little unhealthy. A major upheaval though - and damned scary.

Kitty said...

I think the loneliness one feels in the presence of others is a much more painful loneliness than that which comes from actually being alone. It is for me, anyway.

I used to long to achieve that 'live in the 'now'' attitude, but found that when my life was in tatters around me, I could do nothing other than live in any given moment. And I didn't like it one bit!


nick said...

It must be so difficult having to keep sharing space with husband when you just want to move on, and especially when you enjoy being on your own. I hope the divorce is making progress and the forced sharing won't last much longer.

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Little dark moments. Have you ever read any Thomas Moore? He writes of dark moments (a lot of it is about depression and I am not for one moment suggesting that this is what you suffer). He describes how they can be turning points to something happier, better, clearer. Someone who has had some very hard times happened to read a passage of his to me and I had a feeling I heard it to pass it on to someone who may need it...

Jennysmith said...

Poor sweetie. No, its not about whose in the house with you is it.

Sometimes Sundays can be very long indeed.

My heart is with you


Rose said...

Being in the company of someone who puts a strain on you is much more lonely than having the quiet, pleasant company of just yourself.

Sorry I haven't been around this weekend...I'm glad to hear you've found a solicitor; yes, they do seem to take forever, but at least you can feel happy knowing you've started the process. Hopefully, he/she can help you work out these visitation issues.

Your friend's quotes are good ones for all of us to remember!