Almost daily diary!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Sometimes.....

There are places in this house that are hidden, secret places that I cannot get to. There are locked drawers and fastened tight doors. I don't like it.

There are things said that have motives behind them, there are times when I know I trust too much.

There is a time, every day, when a car pulls up onto the driveway and I physically tense. A sigh releases from my mouth, involuntarily. I wait for the key in the door.

I am waiting. I am stuck. I have been told that I risk everything if I leave now, legally I need to stay put. 

There are moments when I have to speak, when all I want to do is ignore. There are times when I have to look at a person I no longer wish to see.

There are emotions in me which I don't recognise, which I despise in myself. There are times when I want to hiss and spit, cat like with fur flying.

Tuesday nights are my time alone at home with my children. I get respite until 10pm. 

Having put them happily to bed I settle down with a glass of wine, sink deep into the sofa and load iPlayer on the TV. 

At 8.40 the car drives onto the driveway, I wait for the key in the door, I curl up and sigh.

There are moments when I am not myself.


22 comments:

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

You know, whatever it is you have to do, you must do it. This is obviously ghastly for you but you have your reasons. Just remember though, when it is all over you need to plan a way to turn your energy around a corner - if that makes sense. You have to put back into the cupboard that which has been taken. I guess I mean in terms of your soul. So plan to plan, and make it good and pleasureable and celebratory. You will get there.

Lily Hydrangea said...

I am hoping for you that this will pass.
I love your quote about being careful for each other.

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

I spent a number of years with this situation... and four children. I got used to being ignored, despised, made to do all the work, and experiencing what you are writing about. Finally I asked a lawyer what to do - and they helped me - he left the home, where I remained for more years while he lived across the road!
I regret the impact this had on m children.
I needed to do it for financial reasons. It paid off.
Life has returned to normal... we can talk - but it is no problem if I never see or hear from him...we live on opposite sides of the city. The children are fine.
I wish you all the best in this horrible time and hope it is worth it in the end.

nick said...

That sounds awful, but I'm sure it's right that for legal reasons you need to stay put. All you can do is find things to soften the ordeal in the meantime. I hope the situation improves very soon.

Anonymous said...

Never leave the house (thats what I was told)

I wish that I did'nt understand this situation, but I do.

MissKris said...

I feel your melancholy. My heart goes out to you. When I read this it reminds me of how blessed I truly have been. 35 years next month with my Dear Hubby and I'm still happy to see him pull up to the curb at the end of his day. Not to say we haven't had our difficult moments too, but the good outweighs the bad by a huge margin. I don't know why it's worked for us all these years but I'm so thankful it has.

lakeviewer said...

I dropped in from Reasons. The picture of the girl under the rain captivated me first, then your thoughts. I hope you're kind to yourself.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

You will be yourself, your new self, very soon. This is the hardest part, the longest time, this is it. You are moving through it every moment of every day and it will change and you will be able to look back at it, and then turn and look at the road ahead, the one that will be all yours, and you will be free.

Soon.

~HUGS~
You are in my thoughts and prayers.


XO

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Dori said...

I hope, for your sake, that at times you really do hiss and spit. He must be miserable as well...but the locked drawers and secrets would be the final straw for me. I trust, but I detest being untrusted.

The Dotterel said...

God it's awful, I know. I've been there. But it does pass. Really.

Mean Mom said...

I'm sorry that things are so tough for you at the moment. It sounds as if your husband is punishing you. I hope that this is only a phase, which soon passes.

Steve said...

This period will not be forever. One day it will all be behind you. Hold steadfast to that truth on days like these...

the eternal worrier said...

I have nothing to say but you know my past. x

cheshire wife said...

It has to get better and it will get better. I know that it is not easy but you have to be patient.

Kitty said...

There were locked things in my home too. Cupboards. Drawers. A briefcase. And ultimately, I discovered, a person - partly locked up, unwilling or unable to be open.

I'm not pretending things now are ticketyboo ... but nothing is locked up anymore. Everything is open and free and expressed in our home. And I like that. I like it very much.

You'll get there. It might take some time, but you have to keep your sights set on the big picture and the long term goal. Try to step over the immediate irritations - metaphorically speaking, of course.

Take care. x

DulwichDivorcee said...

Sorry you're having such a tough time. Things do get easier, really. In the meantime, I've tagged you - might take your mind off things? x

Rose said...

It's not easy when you can't be yourself, when one person can cause so much tension in others. I understand for the sake of the children you cannot leave. My mantra used to be "This, too, will pass." If you can just hang on for awhile, better days are ahead.

Not Waving but Drowning said...

I really feel for you, I've been there too,

GG

Maggie May said...

It must be dreadful and I do feel for you.
Hang in there.

I don't think my blog linky thing is working as it didn't pick up your last two posts!

Anonymous said...

Get on and do what you have to do. Prolonging the agony is the worst thing anyone can do.

Letty A Little Girl With Many Curls said...

Remember this.

In future..........when you move on, there should never be locked doors or secrets in a good relationship.

Your friend

Letty ;0D

ps I have not posted for ages on my blog, since I got back from Aus, life has been like a lazy river flowing over me.......

don't forget me though!

I am sure sometime soon inspiration will strike me!

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

beautifully written and heart felt..

I felt it.I know that feeling, it sometimes takes a holiday, sometimes moves away, I think it may have left home.who knows. Time. is telling.