Almost daily diary!

Monday, February 01, 2010

Is there no end?

Today I saw my solicitor in order to go through the finances and get it straight in my head before thrashing it all out with husband in mediation in a few weeks time. No problem I thought. That light twinkling at the end of the very long tunnel was certainly shining more brightly last time I looked.

The solicitor and I went over the figures, what I need, what he was offering, the difference between the two. I took a deep breath, 'I'm not sure that this will get sorted out during mediation' I said to her. She nodded her agreement. Court would the be the solution in the event of that being the case. 'So how long would it take then?' I said 'If we have to go to court to settle the finances?'
'You should be sorted by this time next year' she stated
'This time next year?' My heart sank.

At home tonight Tall Girl was unhappy. She wants it all over. Home isn't really home any more. 'It's not like it used to be'
'Will you be happier after we are all separate?' I asked her, steeling myself
'Yes' She replied without hesitating.

The solicitor tells me not to move out. Financially unsound move, she says. But for all our mental healths sake? What price can you put on that? Tall Girl has managed well so far, but right now she is feeling the stress. Small Sprog has been not right for a while now. Decision made. We cannot stay.

My day off this week will be used to seek out suitable rented accommodation, find out what I need to know (It's years since I have rented anywhere), everything is so expensive, all of it more than I earn a month, and there's not much about either. However there will be somewhere for us. There must be. As Tall Girl says, 'we just haven't found it yet'.....


Rose said...

Oh, Suburbia, I wish you well in finding a suitable place for yourself and the children that you can afford. No matter what the solicitor says, I think this is the best course of action for you. I don't know how you've managed to stay in the same house with that man so long! Tall Girl and Small Sprog will be so much happier, too.

Elizabeth said...

Thinking of you.
This is so tough.

Steve said...

It's tricky balancing a strong legal position with one that affects mental and emotional well-being - I think, like you, I would definitely prioritize the latter. Having said that, do not rush into anything just yet... see what's out there, what your options are, and think about your choices at leisure before you make them...

BS5 Blogger said...

Happy days to you . Make sure a nice person makes some lunch for you while you research houses on your day off.

nick said...

Surprise surprise, he's pushing his luck with the finances as well, just to make your life even more difficult. I guess the emotional well-being of you and the children is pretty important so moving out may be unavoidable, but I hope this won't jeopardise your stake in the house and your financial share of it, particularly if living separately is going to be so expensive.

I really hope you can work out a financial solution through mediation rather than yet another distressing delay while the court mulls it all over.

Carol said...

I agree with Steve. Wait and see what happens at the next mediation session and state at that session what Tall Girl said. If a decision can't be reached THEN go house hunting (although there is no harm in finding out all you need to know in the meantime) and make sure you say in front of your mediator that if a settlement can't be reached then you have no choice but to move out. If it goes to court then you have documented evidence of your decision to move and why you did it! I know it's very tempting to get out right now but try and hang in there a bit least till you know exactly where you stand!!

C x

French Fancy said...

Oh sweetie I feel for you I really do. It is all very well a solicitor telling you to stay put, but faced with sorrow, tension and continual angst - well, you are doing the right thing.

What a shame that it will take about a year to get the financial side sorted out. Is it wrong of me to suggest that Tall Girl sits down with her father and talks things through? There might be gasps of horror at this suggestion - I don't know about these sorts of things. I'm just trying to think of a way to appeal to the better side of him to be a bit more generous with the settlement.

Jean said...

Speaking from experience, life becomes much better once one or the other has moved out. Not having him in your face all the time at home is a great relief. Having your own space, however humble it may be, to think things through and be with the kids (at least some of the time) without his manipulative tactics going on would make you feel stronger. That has to be balanced against the fact that it is more difficult to keep an eye on what he is up to.

And remember to take with you straight away any objects that really matter, regardless of value. They go into the pot for sharing out moneywise but at least if you have them he can't steal or destroy them. A lot of possessions can be replaced as they are just things, but he probably knows which bits and pieces you cherish the most.

Carol said...

Ps. There is an award over at mine for you :-)

C x

Reasons said...

I can completely understand you wanting out, and quick. I do hope you find a good solution re accomodation - this must be tough. Thinking of you Sub.

Hullaballoo said...

And when you have your new pad, decorate it with fairy lights and drink a toast to freedom. That's what I did.

Feel free to email me any time honey. I am also happy to chat on the phone to help you go through housing options.

Be optimistic, be creative and keep your spirits up, this will be YOUR space xxxxx

Hullaballoo said...

have you seen this one?

I took a wee look on gumtree for you. Hope you don't mind honey. xx

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

the only other options, will take even longer to sort out finances cos they'll be more complicated, In theory you could use your savings to get deposit and rent right away...then you can claim all the add on benefits and the CSA chase him to make all the payments to them....a friend does this and so they could separate sooner.

or perhaps a family member could 'sub' you? If anyone is a position to?

sorry Sub l'm just thinking out loud really.

luv saz x

Linda said...

Grab happiness with both hands Sub, if that means leaving sooner then so be it. Your wellbeing and peace of mind is much more important than money. Take good care Sub♥ xoxo

Liz said...

You will manage. And it will become a haven for you. THinking of you. xx

My word verifier is pingies! No relevance, just funny!

Kitty said...

You will find somewhere - call in at every Estate Agent/Letting Agent in the locality and tell them what you're after. Leave your number and get them to call you with anything at all which might be 'right' for you.

I'm sure you'd qualify for some help from the benefits people too - have you got a Citizen's Advice place you can consult?


Akelamalu said...

If you have to move somewhere else doesn't himself have to pay the rent to provide a roof over the children's heads? It may be the best option - at least you wouldn't be on tenterhooks all the time. x

Working Mum said...

So difficult, but talk to your solicitor again before moving out. How important is it for you to stay? What will happen if you don't? Could you rent somewhere and stay there at weekends and stay at home in the week when he's at work?

Also, your daughter will bounce back. It's hard as a parent to see them hurting, but will it be better for her interests in the long run for you to stay at home? Is there anyone your daughter can talk to to help her through this difficult time? School nurse? (Ours is brilliant with children going through divorce)

Oh, I feel for you.