Almost daily diary!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Mediation..

Mediation yesterday was neither good nor bad. The finances, which we were supposed to be discussing, were pushed to the end because half of the time was spent with husband going over what had been agreed regarding the children weeks before, mostly insisting on deciding a date when he could have both children week on week off.

I have tried hard to push this option to the back of my mind. Last session we just said as and when, no date, leave it to the children to decide. But no, he wants to plan a moment in time. I know it will happen one day, when they are older. I dread it, hope that they will feel too comfortable in the familiar arrangement that they will have got used to and not want to change it, hope that in two years time everyone will have a different perspective....


However the reality is that husband wants to plant the seed of living with him week on week off, now. Hoping that it will become what is expected when the time comes. The mediator asked me what I thought, he mentioned not brainwashing them. I said I did not want to lose them to a 50/50 arrangement, but that when they were older I would trust them to choose. I cannot rock the boat and stake my claim forever. I felt that so much progress was made last time that I didn't want to go back 10 paces. So I agreed that they could decide, in 2 years, whether they wanted to live with their Dad every other week.

I have to trust them, worse, I have to trust him not to put pressure on them. Two years is a long time, things will change for all of us, but I know it will fly by in reality. I hope I do not live to regret not being more assertive, though I don't think I could have refused, it would have jeopardised everything that had gone before. For now I have them, for now.


17 comments:

Maggie May said...

At least you are getting somewhere now. As they say, two years is a long time.
I hope the children will not be pressurised either way. It is not always easy for a man to to work and look after the children ....... through holidays and through sickness. I know that you would have to do this too but at least you have school holidays off.
Hope it won't be as bad as it now sounds to you.
The worst part is that the children might play you both......... one against the other & they might end up spoilt as neither of you will want to be seen as the *wicked parent* and tend to give in to them on everything.
Hope this doesn't happen & that they will see good qualities in both of you. I suppose I have observed other families because of school and this situation is far from unique.
I am sure your experience will see you through these difficulties.

Take heart. Maggie X

Nuts in May

Fab, feisty and fifty... said...

...and that is all we have...cherish it sub....its so sad that things can change on the toss of a coin, or a phone call....a conversation...

10 days ago, l thought my daughter would be around until end of her gap year, now its just a matter of days as you know...

people tell me l will always have her, and that too l never had, kids are only on loan...but it doesnt feel like that does it??

luv saz x

Steve said...

I think you are right to trust them and give them the freedom to choose. Kids respond positively to that - and respond badly to pressure being put on them. I think you and the kids will be fine. Can't say the same for "him" though.

BS5 Blogger said...

Trusting them to decide is spot on. Don't be too fearful :)

Lia said...

I have no idea how old your children are, but having been through what you are going through let me tell you something that many people forget.

Kids are like sponges and suck everything up, they also have a remarkable propensity to work things out for themselves and believe me they will.

Try not to dwell on it for now, 2yrs is a long time in a kids life.

Much love
Lia
xx

The Dotterel said...

You did the right thing... the thing that's best for them.

Furtheron said...

Don't fret about it.

From what I've read here TG will be more than able to make up her own mind, will be old enough to do so and I doubt will surcome to any pressure if it is exerted.

SS also sounds a very bright, intelligent kid who is very aware of the situation around him and the emotions at work... the trying to take the camera to the bobsled thing remember?... He'll again certianly know his own mind when the time comes and won't be afraid to say it.

Have faith - they will be okay

Chic Mama said...

Oh I feel sick at the thought for you. Lets hope that his life is drastically different in two years time too...he may change his mind. XXX

the eternal worrier said...

2 years is a long time for a child. Its ages till they have to worry about such stuff and by then they will be used to the situation of living apart from Dad. And anyway, despite my bad experiences during the initial breakup of my marriage, I still think the kids are best off with mum.

Hey, not so long between posts Sub. XX

Reasons said...

Phew Sub. You're doing all you can. I would imagine the children would be better off just being mainly with you. If he works on them, they'll know it, kids aren't daft. I hope you can get to the end of this soon and start to rebuild. Thank goodness you have some good friends to support you.

nick said...

Well, typical husband trying to sabotage the onward progress yet again by going back over old ground. Leaving the children to decide in two years' time seems a good decision. Lots of things could indeed change in that time. As long as husband doesn't try to influence them in his own interest, as you say.

French Fancy said...

Don't think ahead and imagine the worst. Agree to stuff for now - who knows what might happen.

Stay positive, you'll soon be out of there

x

dragondays said...

You have done the right thing - I personally don't think this 50/50 thing works - my kids lived with me as it was easier for school, friends etc. and went to their father on weekends if they wanted to ... often they didn't as they had mega plans with chums for the weekend. It caused problems in the beginning but eventually the X understood, and quite frankly his Ugly One disliked my children enormously, so they didn't want to go there.
What the children want now is a safe and stable environment with as little upset as possible. They are going through as much shit as you are. Once they feel that they have their safe base, they will go happily to see their father as they know where home really is.

Akelamalu said...

A lot can happen in two years, try not to worry about it now. x

Starnitesky said...

Oh you are having tough times. I think it is right to let the children choose in the future although it does seem a long time to wait, they will both be older and be able to decide what they want. If not they would possibly be thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Take care.

Rose said...

It sounds like you were caught between a rock and a hard place. Letting the children decide for themselves eventually sounds like a good compromise; unless Husband pressures them, I don't think either Tall Girl or Small Sprog would agree to a 50/50 arrangement. I know some couples settle on this, but it always seems as if it would be so hard on the children.

Kitty said...

You will be amazed how much will change in two years. How much the children will begin to see, and understand. I think the children should be told that they absolutely don't have to *do* this 50/50 arrangement when the time comes, unless they want to. x