Almost daily diary!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Next Monday

This coming Monday I have my mediation session with Husband to sort out custody for the children. I am dreading it, really dreading it. Every morning I wake early with all the thoughts and reasoned arguments I have in my head as to why they need to spend the majority of their time with me. I am worried about him having them for a lot of the time, especially Tall Girl on her own for 3 nights. I think his wish to have them is motivated by several things, his wish not to be lonely, his wish to hurt me and an idea that he can look after them if they look after themselves. I still marvel at the fact that he wants to split them up for 3 nights in a week.

I am trying to analyse my motivations about why I want to have them more. It is not loneliness, for I am not frightened of being alone, I have friends,my mum and hopefully will be free to spend time with my SO when they are not with me. I do not want to hurt Husband either.

I hope my motivation for wanting them is because I think it is the best thing for them. I work school hours, can always pick them up and take them to school, can always be there in the school holidays. Together we seem to live a 'normal' existence happily together. I don't put them under pressure, I don't think, I hope.

I think they have enough to cope with by the splitting up of their parents, without the two of them being apart 3 nights every 2 weeks. I don't think that is right for them, but then who knows what he might be able to get away with.

I'm sorry but I need to write this here. I guess there is no use worrying about it until Monday comes, but I just can't help thinking.......


Anonymous said...

I wonder if you can "rehearse" your discussion either on paper or with a close friend? Does he only want Tall Girl by herself and never Small Sprog? If so, that's DREADFUL!! What message does that give to Small Sprog? That he's less important. No no NO! It should be equal for each child. SO if he wants one child one week then the other the next week for some "special one on one time" that's a very different mesage he's giving out. It gives you each a chance to spend some time with each child.

SO much good luck with your mediation. I really hope it works. But stick to what your heart feels is right for the children.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

sub..breath in out...and then repeat...'its about what they need and they need me'

anyone can see that and thats all that will be judged.

continuity is KEY and that means together in their usual routines...that means YOU and THEM...

that is all there is....believe in that, in YOURSELF and in THE RIGHT THING..

there is nothing else..
BELIEVE cannot think of anything else.... non negotiable

TOGETHER. they cannot be split up...its damaging...


l love you!!! SAZ X

Suburbia said...

Thanks, that is a good idea, but I'm not sure I'll be child free to do so before then. The deal he wants is Tall Girl for a whole week, every other week and Small Sprog just for the weekend that he has Tall Girl. Doesn't seem right to me.

Suburbia said...

Thanks Saz :)

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

He isnt thinking right..
l think once a new routine has been established some flexibility can be introduced for 10n 1 time as anon said above...
but not to start....less changes the better...

make yourself a list...notes are allowed....youve said you know what you will compromise on....but his, Nah!

you are brave, strong and tenacious lioness...go sort it, take control in a non agressive but assertive way....

l shall email you later...

saz x

Maggie May said...

I do hope that the childrens' views will be heard too. I really think that any outsider will think it odd that your husband just wants one of the children & not the other. This will surely go against him. What will happen when they get sick? Will he really be able to take time off work.
Make a list of questions. Rehearse it in your head.
Above all things...... keep very calm when you go for mediation.
Not easy, I know.
I will be sending out good vibes for you next Monday.

Suburbia said...

Thanks Maggie, I will find it very hard to keep calm, I am very emotional anyway but especially about this.

Carol said...

Can I suggest that (if you've not done this already) when you wake up you write down all your reasons. Next to each reason write your argument...hone it till it is short, perfect and to the point.

Take the notepad in with you and present your information. This will stop you getting flustered (It's easy to forget your argument or put it badly when your getting upset), will make sure you say everything you want to say, will give you something to focus on when you need to give yourself a bit of space and will ensure that you don't say something you might regret.

You have said that husband has a tendency to try and bully you which makes you appear unreasonable...this way you should be able to maintain control. (If it helps also write down your counter arguments to what he is suggesting too)

I don't know if you think that's a good suggestion or not but it's what I would do

Good luck - we're all right behind you!!

C x

Suburbia said...

Thank you SO much Carol, that is a fantastic idea and I shall try it out, thanks so much.

the eternal worrier said...

I agree with Carol about getting it down on paper. Seems odd not to have both children at once?

Try to keep positive (did I really say that?)

EW x

nick said...

Definitely make plenty of notes on what you want (and what you don't want) so you make all the necessary points during the session. And yes, try to stay calm so your mind is properly focussed, but I know that's difficult, I tend to get over-agitated myself!

dragondays said...

As Carol says - start writing it down and make sure you get all your points across without being too pushy.
Regarding the children, there are two of them, not one. If Small Sprog was a newborn, then I can understand it would be difficult but this is not the case. They must absolutely be with you and then spend every second weekend with their father, or whatever.
Once all of this has calmed down and a good routine has been established and the children happy, then I think you will find that they will organise themselves - perhaps even going more often to their father, why not?
And a PS which doesn't really apply, but siblings put up for adoption stay together nowadays.
And another PS! When is Small Sprog meant to stay with his father?

ewix said...

I really think the children should be together as much as possible.
I'm sure this will be the view of the mediator and court.
I have really never heard of siblings being separated.
Hope all turns out well for you.

Steve said...

I marvel that he can not only contemplate splitting the kids up but is prepared to bring it as one of his terms to the bargaining table. Such a thing is crass and truly, truly, unthinkingly selfish. Surely the unbiased advice offered at the mediation will enlighten him of this fact. I sincerely hope so anyway. Stay strong and good luck.

The Dotterel said...

Oh, it's going to be difficult. I can't add much to what the others have said but having been through something similar, I'd just like to put the case for true co-parenting. It can (and does) work and some of the most well-adjusted kids I ever taught spent weeks turn and turnabout with different parents. Unless there's a serious issue, kids will always want to see both parents as often as possible. A regular 'date' can help to ease the sense of loss. Whatever happens next Monday, it has to be right for them. Fingers crossed it will be.

Lakeland Jo said...

your argument sounds perfectly reasonable and sound to me, and splitting them up makes no sense at all. I am sure you will be absolutely fine.I am praying for you

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

They absolutely positively should not be split up AT ALL. Not for any reason.

Don't take this the wrong way - but they are all that they have now, as far as something they've always known and relied upon. They are going to be each others best friends and look out for each other.

Their parents have split, and while they will always have each of you, they have you separately and the bond they knew is gone.

THAT is why they only have eachother; that bond will always be there and they need it more than anything else, second only to needing you and their father.

Hope that isn't confusing, but I've been through that and it's the God's honest truth.

Hope all is well.
Huge hugs to you.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Rose said...

I can understand why you're worried, Suburbia, but if the mediator is fair and looks at this objectively, you would think he would see how sensible your ideas are. Reading through some of the comments, I see what it is that Husband wants. To me, that seems totally unreasonable--let's hope the mediator sees it that way, too. Carol has an excellent suggestion! It's easy to get flustered and emotional when you're around someone intimidating. But if you have it all written down rather than try to argue spontaneously, you should be much better prepared.

I wish you much luck, and I'll be thinking of you next Monday. Hang in there!

Chic Mama said...

You need to start writing, making notes, reasons why etc...and do your homework. Research etc..
The children would be asked what they want if this goes any further. I'm probably being too opinionated by I really can't imagine that anyone would think this is reasonable behaviour and I'm sure they would question the 'motives' behind wanting to split the children up. I can't see it would be good for the children and just would be very surprised if anyone else did either. Just be prepared, you can't do more than that, and hope that someone else helps him see reason.
Really hoping it goes well, it is so stressful, look after yourself. xx

family affairs said...

Just making sure you've got my new url - as would be good to stay in touch whilst you go through this - I'm two years down the line. Much better if they're not packing bags every 10 minutes to be honest. They need the stability of one home with a parent that's there - initially. My kids are finally getting to the point when weekends merge a little more but when we separated, dividing the kids was the single most important thing to be arguing about. So sorry you're going through this. So hard.
Let me know if you need any practical advice Lx

Furtheron said...

Treating the kids differently seems to me unreasonable - unless that was what the kids themselves wanted. TG is old enough to have a degree of input to this I'd have thought... let's put it this way we're not close to a divorce and I've been told the my daughter would want to be with her Mum not me! The boy doesn't count as he is an adult now... he'll just go whereever there is a bed, tea and biscuits :-)

Best of luck with it. Try not to overly obsess about it, easy said not easy done I know as you say there is nothing really that you can do except get your mind straight on your side of the street until the actual meeting

French Fancy said...

Your reasons sound perfectly sensible, practical and loving. The children shouldn't be separated. It's not like dividing up the spoils - half each. Any reasonable mediator would go with keeping them together - all or nothing.

Good luck for next week - this is a bad time right now, wondering how it will pan out. Try not to let it stop you sleeping.


Brett said...

the people who mediate will see what is best for the children and i'm sure that it is spending time together and with you.

Liz said...

I'm sorry but I'm one of these old-fashioned souls who believe that children most naturally need a mother and that a mother is the person with whom they they should be based. Not because of any fear of the father but because of practicalities - you've always done the nurturing and you're there, as you say, for them after school. I hope all goes well at the mediation for you.

Liz said...

Just read what he wants. To split them up!!!! I recall you saying this before. The man's an idiot and that kind of demand won't stand him in good stead with mediators.

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