I have thought about that a lot and I think it is carelessness. We were both careless, the fragility of a beautiful thing is precious, it needs to be nurtured, we forgot to look after it.
I looked after the children instead, I tried hard to look after everything but I can remember the point where I gave up wanting to look after the precious thing. Without me noticing it became less precious, after a while I thought 'why am I nurturing something which has shriveled to almost nothing, no kind words spoken, no good deeds done'. I felt invisible, unimportant, ignored. I was. I had small children, they became the most important things. I lost myself, had no more left to give, I disappeared.
That is how we became strangers, with nothing in common but our two sweet children.
Somewhere along the way, we gave up, he gave up. How curious.
17 comments:
So very poignant. And so true. And so very, very sad.
I hope you can make things work.
If you drop by my blog there's an "adversity flower." Help yourself, if you like. You'll see it.
Yes that is poignant.
Relationships have to be a two way thing or they do shrivel. Glad you put the children first though.
Maggie X
Nuts in May
Unimportant: the very last thing you are x
Don't blame yourself. It takes two to nurture a marriage and all too often there's only one doing that nurturing, along with everything else.
It needs both of you to make the effort... if one gives up making an effort the other simply can't carry the burden for both. Sadly, sometimes these things just happen for even the best of reasons...
I guess there comes a point where, as you say, things seem to be shrivelling and closing up to such an extent that trying to restore the relationship seems like a futile uphill struggle. In which case you can only accept the reality and move on.
I think that is quite common when people have small children. They require so much love, care and attention that I think the parents kind of forget that in order to keep their love alive they also need to give love, care and attention to each other!
I know I have never met you but I have been following your blog for quite a while now....and I can say that you are a warm, witty, perceptive and caring woman and the blog world is all the better for having you in it!! (Unimportant...Pah!!)
C x
I'm lucky I've not been in your place. We will be "celebrating" our 25th anniversary this year... I put the quotes in as although I think we are both pleased/proud of that I think we'd both prefer to be younger and have back some of the years that have flown past!
I honestly don't know what is the secret - I do know on my wife's side she showed stunning patience with me in the bad old days. Why she never kicked me out when I was in the deep drinking years I'll never really know. However she did once say early on in my sobriety that she "had back the man she knew that was in there".
I watched my brother try unbelievably hard to save his first marriage, gave up his high paid job, went to counselling, did this, did that... in the end it still failed but not because of lack of effort from him.
So maybe it is luck - my wife and I have grown together and not apart.
this is true and is the main reason I decided not to have kids - I love/loved Mr FF too much to jeopardise it with children. Only occasional regrets but my love for him was more important than offspring
Wow, FF. That was a major decision and brave too. I can understand it now I have seen what can happen x
I suppose that's what happens when you don't work at it. x
So sad, Suburbia, but it's easy to look back and think "I should have done this" or "I should have done that." But people change, life takes a different turn, and no one knows how things will be in the future. Don't feel guilty--I think you did your part, but it takes two to work at a marriage, and it's only natural to give up when you're the one doing all the work. (Believe me, I know.) Read the poem again on your sidebar--this is your chance at a new and better life.
Dear Suburbia
You are in my thoughts
I'm so very glad that the mediator was helpful and sensible -
I thought he or she would be.
So very glad the children will be together almost all the time.
What a long strange journey you have had.
Hope you and the husband will, in time, be able to see good things in each other
which I know are there
much love
So easy to become careless. A good reminder to us all not to thank the precious things for granted.
I fell out of love with someone who I was with for 10/11 years. Sometimes it just happens. People change and nothing can be done to prevent it. Good things will come to you again...without a doubt! (They are there in the form of your children but there is more waiting for you...)
I never thought that I would marry a lovely guy and have two super children. As I keep telling my single sister...it WILL happen for her one day!
It takes two to make, and two to break. Nobody is solely to blame I don't think.
People change, and we can only ever do what we feel is right at the time.
x
Sad but I think a common thing for lots of us x
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