Almost daily diary!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

In the room...

Once in the room with the mediator I felt much better. He was peaceful and quietly spoken. We sat down in an office like environment, blinds drawn, chairs arranged in a circle but with more than an arms length apart! I was given a glass of water that I held on to tightly, my comfort blanket, a substitute.

The mediation session started like a team meeting, with the mediator using a flip chart and pen to write headings of what we hoped to discuss. It felt possible then, that all would be well.

He addressed us individually, kept us on track. We spoke to him, rather than to each other. What a skilled man he was. He asked us to think about our motives for this, our reasons for that, directing us all the time to an inevitable compromise and conclusion. We ran over by 15 minutes, a conclusion was reached, we left alone, me via the stairs, husband in the lift.

As I walked out onto the street I could see no one that looked like husband ahead of me, I did not look behind. I was relieved. The street was cold and damp, and as I walked I felt a little numb. The stranger in the room, he knew my children so well, he was there father and he was fighting too.

It was over, to be reviewed in 6 months time from separation. Not ideal, but a start. The children will live mostly with me, and I have avoided them being split up, except for one night in every 2 weeks. That was the compromise, from 3 nights to 1. Next time he will want more.

11 comments:

Carol said...

I was holding my breath reading that! I'm glad that they will mostly be living with you and that you managed to get him down from three nights to one....although I still think it's really odd that he wants to split them up!!

Six months is a long time...you might find that Tall Girl doesn't want to be away from you guys more than one night and you might find that husband decides that more than one night would be too much. Just cause he wants more doesn't mean that he'll get it!!

Lots of love and hugs to you

C x

Steve said...

Hopefully the mediator has given your husband food for thought and he will, if he is decent, be more reasonable. Being made to be aware of one's motives is a real eye-opener. The session may have cleared his head and heart a little. I hope so.

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

Not sure why he wants to split them up... why can't he just have both? When does he have SS? Does SS get to go on his own - woudl he want to - does TG want to go alone? So many questions? You are compromising - is TG happy about this?
Hope you are ok

the eternal worrier said...

You must be soooo relieved.

Isn’t it odd these situations that we find ourselves in? One minute married and then at war. Lovers one day, enemies the next.

It should be simple really. Girl meets boy.

They fall in love and remain happy ever after.

Oh well...

Reasons said...

you're doing well, keeping your head and keeping focused on the children. soon this will pass and life will be lighter.xx

Maggie May said...

So pleased that you are getting there and that nothing ugly happened and that you can trust the mediator. More importantly that the children are not going to be split up. That was a barmy idea, if you ask me.

Nuts in May

Anonymous said...

It's great news, that you've found a tolerable compromise for now - and who knows what your world will look and feel like in 6 months. Face that when it comes. It sounds as if you've achieved a really good compromise that does the best you can for your children. You should be so proud of what you've achieved so far, and hopefully it will give you the confidence to keep on going to achieve the future you want.

Suburbia said...

Fi, he can't have SS because he says he can't finish work early enough to pick him up from school, he expects TG to walk home from the bus stop as she is older, and arrive to an empty house waiting and hour and a half for him to arrive. I know lots of kids do that, but right now, as I am here, mine don't have to! He has only really thought of himself I think. And no, ss doesn't get time alone there as statutory, meaning I also don't get time alone with my lovely teenage girl. He is speaking of being flexible. If so we could arrange some weekends where we have the opposite one separately. I just hope the flexibility works both ways!

EW, relieved yes, thanks you. Sometimes I wonder if happily ever after is just in fairy tales?

Thanks everyone, as always for your kind words and support.

Dori said...

Hopefully at the end of six months they'll take into consideration what the children want--how they feel the whole "experiment" went.

Hugs!

French Fancy said...

One night every fortnight doesn't sound too bad and is something they will quickly get used to.

It was good for your husband to hear that the mediator did not automatically side with him, men together and all that. The worst is now over for the time being and you can hopefully start to move forward.

You never know - the mediator might just have planted seeds in your husband's mind that will make him chaange for the better

French Fancy said...

Just read through the comments - maybe I should have done that first. I'm with Dori - perhaps you can encourage the mediator to ask the children how they think it all went and what could be improved.