Almost daily diary!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Beginning (After The End, which is below)

I know why my wedding sits so firmly in my head as one of the best of days of my life. It is because I organised it all, I had it as I wanted it, each thing perfect and beautiful to me. And, looking back over the long years of marriage, this was probably my Swan Song. The last thing I was in control of, the last creative thing that I did before limits were put in place.

The limits were small and appeared slowly, small things one by one. My choices became narrowed, my wishes eventually ignored. All of it happening slowly over the years.

Yet I am to blame too for this loss of self.

A little more than a year after marriage I had my first child. It threw me sideways, I finished work, became home bound, stuck to the sofa with a newborn for what seemed like forever. I emerged slowly, a new creature, diminished in confidence, smaller, unsure. My world had shrunk, I was a 'kept' woman. My choices were dependent on another. Independence gone.

I have refound myself over the last year. I can have a choice, and it is all mine. I have forged through mountains of problems and climbed what seemed to be insurmountable hurdles to get here, to this point, the point where I become Ms. - such a 'loaded' title.

We, the children and I, are making plans for our new house. I can have the colours I want, I can choose how to spend the money and what to spend it on. It feels good. We have colour charts and magazines. Tall Girl and I are pawing over them, dreaming a dream that can become, to my surprise, a reality.

I have nearly made it. I wasn't sure I ever would. I wasn't sure I would be strong enough to see it through. Freedom, my own home in my own name. Back to the future in a way, for I had my own home before I was married. I gave it up without thinking then. How strange.


Maggie May said...

Thats more like you! Go for it! A new beginning.......sounds great!
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Miss Sadie said...

There is a Greek expression, which translates as "Well begun is half done." (Sorry, I've forgotten the Greek.) Anyhow, you're "half done," I think.

Rose said...

These are both such touching posts, Suburbia. It's hard to let go of the past and all those shared memories, even if they weren't all so happy. I never quite had the courage that you've shown, so I do admire your bravery and strength to do what needed to be done. Freedom does come with a price, but you have earned yours--enjoy!

Steve said...

More power to your elbow... you stand on the edge of a brand new country. Enjoy it and make of it what you will.

nick said...

That's quite a startling comment, that your wedding was the last truly creative, independent thing you were involved in. Very glad you're now rediscovering your independence and that coping with so many difficult problems has restored your self-confidence. Upwards and onwards!

Carol said...

You have been through the mill my dear but I never doubted for a second that you wouldn't come out the other end stronger and happier!

Your excitement about your new home just pops off the page and I couldn't be more happy for you!

C x

tattytiara said...

Well done. I lost myself for many a year too - not to another person, but lost just the same. I know what a climb it is to come back. Congratulations!

Saz said...

..and we return to ourselves we begin we continue till the end...we can only rely on ourselves...accepting this is liberating and the realisation is decades comimg..

saz x

Jennysmith said...

Sounds like you've come through it the other end, sweetie. That's great.

Sorry I haven't been around for the support you must have needed.


Lakeland Jo said...

onwards and upwards X

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Kitty said...

We are all so much stronger than we think ... especially those of us who have been 'encouraged' to believe we are not capable. Good for you ... you go, girl! :) x

Starnitesky said...

I too lost myself in my marriage, enjoy becoming you again.

this is my patch said...

A happy house, is a happy home. x

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

I agree with This Is My Patch, A Happy House is a Happy Home.

Sorry I have been so absent, just checked on my family blog and was horrified to find I last posted in July 2010.

Life kinda took over, but I will be back lots to tell etc.

My good thoughts are with you Suburbia.

And as always I wish you well.


Casdok said...

Happy international womans day :)

Liz said...

Lovely posts. A whole new future ahead with new dreams, hopes and eventually plans. Enjoy. xx

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

I am so very proud of you. Very, very proud.

What a wonderful place for you to be, and what a long and difficult road to get to it, but you are there, at last, and I am so glad to know it.

You have such strength and grace, and it has carried you through every day, and always will. I admire that about you more than anything, I think.

Best of blessings to you lady!
Build your house of dreams.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore