Almost daily diary!

Monday, September 28, 2009

A year ago......

A diary is a wonderful thing. A year ago I wrote this post. Life was more gentle then, the clouds had gathered, but were still a long way from bursting. A year later and I am in the eye of the storm but, as everything around me is in flux, for the moment, I can enjoy just a little peace.

However, like last year, Husband is home Wednesday night, and I feel, as I did a year ago, resentful that I should have to share the house again so very soon. I am wondering, amongst so many other things that need to be sorted out, whether to move out with my children very soon into somewhere rented. There would be benefits a plenty but also some draw backs too. The main one would be that Husband would still live here, and every time he had his custody time with the children, they would have to come back to their 'old home'. I'm not sure I could cope with that, I'm fairly sure it would be very hard for them.

I have asked my solicitor to ask his solicitor (mad isn't it?) if we can put the house on the market. Now. I cannot do it myself, the property is in his name. When we moved in together, years ago, I sold my home and came to Bristol. The mortgage on his property was never changed into joint names. I never realised the implications, but then I never anticipated any of this.

So here I am, in the eye of the storm, helpless but with hope.

A year ago I wondered if I was a bad wife. I have the answer now...........



Thank you to BS5, who inspired this post, by recently recalling some of his earlier entries.


PS. Also belated thanks to Chic Mama who passed on this lovely award last week. Sorry it's taken me so long CM. I can't choose who to give it away to, as I read so many great blogs, so please feel free everyone, if you haven't already received it.

19 comments:

BS5 Blogger said...

Why thank you :)

Big thoughts today, Sub'.

Kathy B! said...

Of course you aren't a bad mom. You are just a mom with the weight of the world on her shoulders. Chin up. You're doing great.

Steve said...

I think getting your own place would have more pros than cons though am aware that's easy for me to say... but having been through break-ups the one thing I valued was having space of my own where I could be myself without having to be tense all the time... it's exhausting not ever being allowed to relax and bad for your health...

Maggie May said...

You are certainly not a bad wife (or mother.)
I worry about you being the one to leave. Won't that give you less rights?
I can well understand your need to have your own place and the worry about having your children link the family home to *him* when they visit. Be guided by the solicitor.
Such a lot has happened over the year.
Surely things will get better very soon. Light must be at the end of the tunnel?

Brett said...

Think long and hard before leaving the house, a friend of mine was in exactly the same position as you and moved in with her mother. Hubby then let the house go to the point that no one would buy it. In the end she had to buy him out to fix the house her self and then resell it.

nick said...

You're absolutely not a bad wife but he sounds like a pretty poor husband. Unfortunate that he "owns" the house, I hope he doesn't dig his heels in about selling it. Re renting, I guess it's a question of independence and less emotional stress versus the temporary nature of renting and the legal implications of leaving the house. As Maggie May says, it would be wise to check out your solicitor's experience of similar situations.

Not Waving but Drowning said...

Sit tight and don't leave the property.

It'll be tough but you can so it.

GG

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Get all the advice you can. Wishing you well and thinking of you.

mumplustwo said...

Sub, hang in there. I wouldn't move out, however tempting. Best scenario would be to sell (if husband agrees) and then move. Not that I really know what I'm talking about. Best check with solicitor, as MM says. Sorry things are hard. You've come such a long way in a year. Well done, you.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Living with your 'ex' whilst the breakup is goig on is a nightmare. tense, miserable and stressful. I would be careful about moving out though as it could create a multitude of problems - he could encourage the children to stay as they don't want change - that would go down well in court and he could keep the house until they are all of school leaving or uni age and only then be forced to sell and give you a share. If you stay you can claim that you had your children's best interests at heart in that even though it was stressful, you wanted them to be in a home they know and to have their father around until the very last moment when you had to sell.

If the house doesn't go on the market now then you will no doubt be forced to wait until after Christmas and the New Year as people do not want to be moving around the festive season. You could end up staying there for another six months at least. But you will have to grit your teeth and stay the course and I know that will be awful for you - I've been there too. It's easy to think you are a bad mother when all this stuff is going on around you - nonsense you are keeping your children at the centre of all your decisions and whilst it may be painful, it's the long game you have to keep your eye on. That will benefit them most in the end. All the best.

Furtheron said...

If you move out however you create the "new home" - soon for the kids it'll be their space that they occupy the most and the old home will become just that... the old home.

I'd advise moving on but then what do I know?

Valerie said...

Children are resilient, remember that. I agree with Steve, you would be more at peace somewhere else, and you would be able to think clearer too.

Gymbunny said...

Hello Suburbia

My theory of family life is that if you are really, truly happy then you have more of a chance of your kids being happy.

If you are miserable as sin, I can't see that you have much hope for them being happy either? Doesn't make for a happy home environment.

It has worked for me because my kids measure their happiness and stability by mine - if I'm ok, then all is well in their little world! But all families/kids are different, so YMMV...

I suspect in your heart you know what the right thing to do is for both you AND the kids, even if it's a tough decision to make.

At least if you make the decision - to stay or go - you can put your efforts into something positive and practical (coping with knock on effects) rather than purely worrying about what MIGHT happen?

Good luck.

Brighton Mum-Teenage Angst said...

I agree with MOB, be very, very careful about leaving the house. The implications, legally, could backfire on you. So, if I were you, I'd sit tight. But, then that's easy for me to say isn't it? I hope things get easier for you soon. xx

Kitty said...

You're not a bad mother or a bad wife. I think you know that. The eye of the storm is the worst bit - it's like cleaning a room: it looks a lot worse than when you started when you're halfway through, but eventually it's tidy again. So it is with life. Well, it would be if everyone played 'fairly'. I suspect husband won't always play fairly - mine hasn't and still doesn't - not until he's 'moved on' anyway.

Get legal advice on the 'moving out' situation. I know how hard it is to live 'together', but you have to think 'long term' for the childrens' sake - and you will, which is why you're a good mother.

Take care. x

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

Definitely not a bad wife at all!

And even though it may be difficult, my advice, such as it is, would be to stay PUT. Don't you move out!!

I always remember some advice given to me many years ago when I first got married.

If things get bad, make sure you are the one who stays in the house, never walk out of it.

I hope this helps, although I understand it must be very difficult at present. But All Things Pass......hopefully you will be in calmer waters soon.

Remember even though you don't have the mortgage in joint names, you still have Rights. You must stay where you are until things are sorted.

Bossy Letty ;0D

Hold Tight!!

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

a heart of gold...thats lovely...and you are a good mum, a great mum...not a bad wife, just a sad one...

I know abut the mortgage thingy, it happens a lot...but mediation and your solicitor will see you right...and you have rights, you will be entitled to a half share at least....half his pension too in £££ or when it matures...don't you fret...
I see you sadness and concern about moving out only to have the kids return for visits and l agree, that would be a bit crazee for the kids...talk to your solicitor and your mum? your friend? us?

keep breathing, YOU will be ok....bruised but ok...l promise.

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

Possession is 9/10 of the law. Don't leave - you should have rights to partial ownership even though his name is on it - matrimonial property laws etc.. .but walking away makes it all harder. Prob what he wants you to do so he can squat and run it down etc.
I was in a similar boat - after two years of your situation, we were lucky the ex could board across the road affordably - still not ideal but eased the strain. You and kids must stay where you are!!!! Goad you have a new lawyer - might get some action now.

Starnitesky said...

I would not say you were a bad mum or wife. Sit tight if you can bear it and take Letty's advice.