It is hard to know where to start...

I guess the custody battle is what is getting to me most. My priority is keeping the children out of court. So far husband has not changed his mind over custody and so my solicitor has said the next step is to let the court decide. I have no idea what he is playing at. How can he think about splitting the children? How can he think that he can care for a teenage daughter alone? How can he think that any of this is good for any of us? Why on earth does he want to pay huge court costs when his proposal is almost certain to fail? Unless there is something I don't know about.

I think he is counting up my nights away. He has stopped going away himself. He may be going to try to say I am not mothering properly.

Meanwhile his presence becomes even more claustrophobic. The fact that he will not go out means I have no down time at home with the children without him. His constant presence is intimidating, he has designed it to be that way.

This morning, as often happens, he was sitting in the kitchen on the last remaining chair. He had finished eating breakfast, but would not get up to let me sit to eat mine. He would not move to let me get a mug from the cupboard. All those low level things have begun to get me down this week, particularly with the prospect of staying at home a little more.

In the evening, as soon as I put dinner on the table in the other room for the children and I, he comes to sit with us. I don't want him there. I want to relax and unwind with my babies. It happens most nights now, unless I get food on the table ridiculously early. He seems to be getting home from work earlier too, so it is nearly impossible to eat before he arrives home. When at the table he tries to dominate the conversation. I see through him instantly, he used to never really bother asking about their school day before all this happened. He talks over me. It is unpleasant.

Tonight there were horrible sly and snide comments made to me when I was trying to watch a wildlife programme on the TV with Small Sprog. The solicitor said to stand up to him, but if I answer back, he throws another comment my way, and all the time Small Sprog is there, next to me on the sofa, listening.

So this weekend I have tried to fill our time with fun things to do, allowing for homework of course! We have the first Christmas party of the season on Saturday afternoon and evening, which is a regular event held just down the road from here, done in conjunction with 5 other families. It is always fun, they are some of my closest friends. I am hoping Husband will not attend...

On Sunday my lovely friend as invited us over to see her. We will also visit Techniquest beforehand. The children are really keen to go, for them it will be two treats at once. She understands my predicament. I am so very thankful to her and for all my wonderful friends. This week I have felt looked after by so many lovely people. I am very lucky, I could not carry on like this without them. I am grateful, it's just hard sometimes.

While I am writing, I am wondering how I will get through Christmas Day here with him and the children. At the same time I know it is what the children want. That is how I will get by.