However, I am struggling. Since I heard from the solicitor that Husband wants to keep this house, I feel like it doesn't belong to me any more. I have lost the will to keep it clean and tidy, apart from the essentials, and as I am doing the basics I feel as if I am cleaning someone else's house not my own.
Every so often I get a real urge to tidy and straighten. I suppose it is almost in built, we have been here so long and I have worked on autopilot for most of that time. Truth be told, there is a lot of satisfaction in tidying and straightening, it feels good, it helps me think straight. But suddenly I catch myself doing a job and then I remember, this is pointless, no one notices, no one keeps it tidy, no one keeps it clean and tomorrow it will look just as bad again.
Then I find myself looking at nice things in shops. Brightly coloured towels and accessories, china with clean lines, shiny new kettles and toasters! I am longing for a home, to make a home, it is what I used to do for a living and I miss it so. Whilst married Husband has often stifled my creativity. Sometimes this has lead to a total impasse and nothing has been agreed at all. I know life together is a compromise, yet I feel I have been compromised to the point of loosing myself.
I am longing for a home, I am waiting, but time moves so slowly.