Almost daily diary!

Friday, November 20, 2009


I love having a tidy house. I like the way everything looks right in a certain place. I especially like the kitchen worktops to be crumb and mess free, and I like the floor to be the same way. I am happy when the carpet is hoovered and the cushions are plumped.

However, I am struggling. Since I heard from the solicitor that Husband wants to keep this house, I feel like it doesn't belong to me any more. I have lost the will to keep it clean and tidy, apart from the essentials, and as I am doing the basics I feel as if I am cleaning someone else's house not my own.

Every so often I get a real urge to tidy and straighten. I suppose it is almost in built, we have been here so long and I have worked on autopilot for most of that time. Truth be told, there is a lot of satisfaction in tidying and straightening, it feels good, it helps me think straight. But suddenly I catch myself doing a job and then I remember, this is pointless, no one notices, no one keeps it tidy, no one keeps it clean and tomorrow it will look just as bad again.

Then I find myself looking at nice things in shops. Brightly coloured towels and accessories, china with clean lines, shiny new kettles and toasters! I am longing for a home, to make a home, it is what I used to do for a living and I miss it so. Whilst married Husband has often stifled my creativity. Sometimes this has lead to a total impasse and nothing has been agreed at all. I know life together is a compromise, yet I feel I have been compromised to the point of loosing myself.

I am longing for a home, I am waiting, but time moves so slowly.


Maggie May said...

As it is your nature to be clean, neat & tidy, then you must carry on doing that but fight for your share too.
Have you put money into the house? Your hard earned money will have helped with the mortgage. Are you joint owner?
As you have children...... they must have somewhere to live.
Maybe he is trying to freak you out.
Hope you get peace of mind soon.

Nuts in May

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

Oh seems very odd to me that husband is seemingly thinking he has the right t house, home one child...

I have always understood that the children and mother usually get to remain in the family home....after a split..IF the two of you cannot agree..(As this happened with y friend in Kent) ..the finances were sorted out 5 years before the divorce so as to maintain consistency and routine for the children. It seems to me HE is thinking about Himself only and not the family...

There must a way through this...have you sought advice from another this is moving very slowly... The Law society offers half an hour and perhaps like with a doctor a second opinion may help?! I don't know, I'm clutching at straws here I so want to be of some help!!


saz x

nick said...

It's quite natural that the housekeeping urge is withering if you may be leaving the house. But I guess a bare minimum of tidying is necessary to preserve self-respect.

I think you said you aren't joint owner so his keeping the house is an option. But only if you agree and only if you get proper financial compensation. I hope you get something worked out very soon.

Jean said...

When I escaped from a very unhappy marriage in 1991, one of the greatest joys was being able to arrange things and keep them exactly as I liked. I used to walk round my (rented) home touching the furniture lovingly and almost caressing the crockery. It seems daft now, though.
Constantly clearing up after an untidy male is a chore that is only bearable whilst you still love each other. Once the love goes it becomes really really annoying and pointless.

Chic Mama said...

I hope it all gets sorted out very quickly......limbo land is awful.
As I've said before I don't know how you are doing it, pure torture.
I can understand how you feel about keeping the house tidy. Although my H doesn't want the house, I've lost all incentive. It still doesn't feel like mine anymore. I too want to start again and look forward to the day when I can decorate every room pink if I want to! ;0)
Thinking of you. Take care. xx

Suburbia said...

I know Saz, it doesn't seem right, but it's his age that makes a difference. He will be 58 next birthday, so his solicitor is arguing that he has hardly any mortgage years left. Instead of me getting more than half, as is normal, she is saying he is entitled to more even though he brings home around 5 times more money a month than me! (though I am on low pay)

The not very nice side of me knows that he will have to pay me far less maintenance for the children too if what he proposes, custody wise, is allowed.

His vengeance will be to see me living on the bread line...

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Och what a mess. as if it isn't bad enough breaking up, he wants to stitch you up too. I know what you mean about the cleaning - it's just like when you put your house on the market to move - you move on emotionally because you have to if you want to leave. You see the place in a different light. but your situation is much worse, knowing that whatever you do, he is benefiting from it. I feel for you, this is a nightmare breakup. Hugs

Steve said...

You sooo need your own place. I can hear you going up the walls in your words. Until that time though, you are entitled to have some ownership of where you are now. Don't let yourself be sidelined or pushed out mentally / emotionally. It is still your home too.

Dori said...

What a spiteful man he's turning out to be.

Didn't you sell your house prior to moving in with him? What about that money that is owed to you? Or does it matter in the eyes of the law?

I agree with others--maybe find a second opinion and shove the whole proceedings into higher gear!

In the meantime--hug! Keep cleaning. Keep being creative. Don't let him get you down.

Akelamalu said...

I don't understand how he can claim the house. If the children are under 16 isn't he legally obliged to keep a roof over their heads and I'm sure a court would insist that you and the kids stay where you are and he finds somewhere else!

French Fancy said...

Oh dear, after your post I read all the comments and your reply to saz made me feel very sad for you. This all seems so unjust and the sort of thing that would happen in another country where women were openly repressed. This all seems so insidious and unfair.

As for keeping it spick and span, I would do the bare minimum, just enough to keep you content to be there.

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

You will soon be well out of this relationahip, anyone who seeks "vengeance" does not deserve your fine housekeeping.

Or your love, or your children, and definitely not any respect.

Time moves slowly when things are bad, I know this from things in my past, but it does actually move at the same pace as normal. It is just that you are so tired, and battle weary from this horrible relationship.

If I were you, I would still have to keep it tidy and nice, too much of a "Kim and Aggie" in me, to do otherwise. If you don't, you are kind of letting him win.

You have to live there for a while, until things are sorted out, and far better to live in somewhere clean, tidy and "Suburbia" fashioned, than in a tip.

If you let it go, the whole build up of dirt, crumbs and untidyness will drag you down.

Because I have been ill with a bad cold, I have been watching re-runs of "How Clean Is Your House" on More4 this week in the late afternoons.

I am struck by the fact of every single person who is highlighted on this series, by the way they have let things go, and lost their spirit and enjoyment in life in the meantime.

Once their house is cleaned/tidied and ship shape, they seem to become different people, more positive, more energised.

Now I am not saying you would ever let your house go like these people, but it will pay dividends for your health, mental and physical, to just keep it tidy, bright and clean. Your mind will be free then to concentrate on the task of freeing yourself from this tiring and horrible relationship.

Now after typing this and thinking it all through, I have exhausted myself! Sorry, I don't mean to nag, just want you to take care of yourself.

Just keep thinking to yourself, "this time next year, no matter what "he" tries to put into place, I will be free!! And be able to choose my own bright things which have not been tainted by a vengeful person".

Your friend Letty x

Rose said...

This all seems so unfair--I hope your solicitor is fighting for you, Suburbia! I can understand your longing for new china and towels, all symbols of starting afresh. I hope you can get all those very soon.