Almost daily diary!

Friday, November 27, 2009

It is hard to know where to start...

I guess the custody battle is what is getting to me most. My priority is keeping the children out of court. So far husband has not changed his mind over custody and so my solicitor has said the next step is to let the court decide. I have no idea what he is playing at. How can he think about splitting the children? How can he think that he can care for a teenage daughter alone? How can he think that any of this is good for any of us? Why on earth does he want to pay huge court costs when his proposal is almost certain to fail? Unless there is something I don't know about.

I think he is counting up my nights away. He has stopped going away himself. He may be going to try to say I am not mothering properly.

Meanwhile his presence becomes even more claustrophobic. The fact that he will not go out means I have no down time at home with the children without him. His constant presence is intimidating, he has designed it to be that way.

This morning, as often happens, he was sitting in the kitchen on the last remaining chair. He had finished eating breakfast, but would not get up to let me sit to eat mine. He would not move to let me get a mug from the cupboard. All those low level things have begun to get me down this week, particularly with the prospect of staying at home a little more.

In the evening, as soon as I put dinner on the table in the other room for the children and I, he comes to sit with us. I don't want him there. I want to relax and unwind with my babies. It happens most nights now, unless I get food on the table ridiculously early. He seems to be getting home from work earlier too, so it is nearly impossible to eat before he arrives home. When at the table he tries to dominate the conversation. I see through him instantly, he used to never really bother asking about their school day before all this happened. He talks over me. It is unpleasant.

Tonight there were horrible sly and snide comments made to me when I was trying to watch a wildlife programme on the TV with Small Sprog. The solicitor said to stand up to him, but if I answer back, he throws another comment my way, and all the time Small Sprog is there, next to me on the sofa, listening.

So this weekend I have tried to fill our time with fun things to do, allowing for homework of course! We have the first Christmas party of the season on Saturday afternoon and evening, which is a regular event held just down the road from here, done in conjunction with 5 other families. It is always fun, they are some of my closest friends. I am hoping Husband will not attend...

On Sunday my lovely friend as invited us over to see her. We will also visit Techniquest beforehand. The children are really keen to go, for them it will be two treats at once. She understands my predicament. I am so very thankful to her and for all my wonderful friends. This week I have felt looked after by so many lovely people. I am very lucky, I could not carry on like this without them. I am grateful, it's just hard sometimes.

While I am writing, I am wondering how I will get through Christmas Day here with him and the children. At the same time I know it is what the children want. That is how I will get by.


19 comments:

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

re xmas day... will talk you through it in chat room babe...after the gifts and between the food, there is a lull that klls me...and after the food too...talk later...

IT will be ok....it cant not be...and whatever happens isnt always permanent, it change that you can be sure of...everything Changes!!

ewix said...

This all sounds a complete nightmare!
I feel for you so much -- trying to juggle the needs of your children and not diminish their father in their eyes.
This seems so AWFUL
my heart goes out to you.

Ribbon said...

Hello
I don't know your history, but what I have just read in this post prompts me to give you a big hug.

I am very sorry to read about the circumstances that you are currently in.
I sincerely hope that this will all be behind you in the not too distant future.

Take care and keep your friends close.

best wishes
Ribbon

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

I really feel for you. I put up with it for four years. The process takes so long, and he can taunt you all the time. We coped with effectively separate spaces and two tv's...
He is cruel... the thing that amazed me is that I was ever "in love" with this person!
Your day will come and your kids will see through him, but don't deny them their rights to a relationship with him - no matter how painful. You would be the loser if you fall into that trap.
Let the court process continue - let TG and SS have their say and justice will prevail.
I got a 70:30 split in the house sale - and all 4 children chose to live with me and just visit their father. Today they visit him, sometimes go away with, one even lives with him and it is all fine- just hang in there!!!!!

Maggie May said...

I am wondering if he reads this blog? Whether he has you followed?
He seems to be suddenly aware of what he could lose & is making an all out effort?

Children should NEVER be split up. Who knows what is going on in his head.
Sounds like a phycological game that he is playing over the children.

All this pain....... I feel it.

Nuts in May

Steve said...

Such an awful situation and so debilitating. Your husband is incredibly selfish and if he can't see how that will ultimately damage his relationship with his kids then he is a fool.

Carol said...

I don't know what to say hon. I am so so sorry that your going through this and that he's making your life so difficult!!

All I can suggest re husband making snide comments is that you say something along the lines of 'If you are going to make nasty comments then at least have the decency not to do it in front of the children because you are putting them in a difficult position and that's not fair.' then refuse to be drawn into any further discussion on the topic.

I don't know if that would make any difference or not but at least the kids will know that your thinking of them...unlike their father!!

C x

nick said...

What an arsehole he is, it's all getting very nasty. The tricky thing is that if you give as good as you get, that'll upset the children, but if you don't, he takes more and more control. As the solicitor says, you do need to stand up to him as much as possible and not allow him to have everything his way.

The Christmas party will be a good break for you, as long as he doesn't turn up. And the visit to your friend tomorrow. As Fi says, just hang in there, don't let yourself get demoralised.

French Fancy said...

I think it is good you are letting some of this out on here - it might even come to be of use in court. A documentation of what day to day life was like for you with your husband behaving like this.

I can't offer any words of advice I'm afraid and to think of you in that environment makes me feel very sad. You are a great mum, a lovely person and you so so deserve better.

x

Maxine said...

This all resonates so much with me, Suburbia, hang in there. Carol has the exactly right idea. Deep breath, say something polite along those lines, within earshot of everyone, so that there can be no confusion about where you stand.It might take a bit of practice but you will gain strength the more you do it. Don't let him bully you like this. How dare he?

I remember feelings of shock at being completely duped by someone I had once loved and chosen to marry for life and be the father of my children.

Don't let him do this to you, stand up to him. Doing so in a calm, controlled way will take steely resolve and a bit of trial and error but you have to, if only as an example to your kids.

It looks like you have a lot of support here, so take comfort from that during these difficult times. There are so many of us who identify with a lot of what you are going through and would take great pleasure in giving him a quick smack round the chops for you.

Be strong. You sound lovely and I am sure there are much, much happier times waiting for you just around the corner. Visualise how you want things to work out and leave the rest to forces unknown...you never know, it might all come true one day.

Lots of love.
x

Kitty said...

Hello you ... I can relate TOTALLY. It is mind games my lovely, he is trying to hurt you, and in the process hurting the children. Go to Court. I promise you it is not as bad as you think it is.

You need to live away from him. You need to do something about the house. If he won't do it, you do it. The whole time he has the power, he will use it against you. I know what it's like to deal with a bitter and vengeful man.

Go to Court and get it sorted. If the Judge orders a CAFCAS report that's good - they will observe you with the children, and him with the children. I wanted a CAFCAS report but never got one. You can also get counselling for the kids at The Children's Service - they are lovely people.

Hang on in there. You know how to reach me if you want to offload. xxxx

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

He is cruel, and bullying.

I am amazed at how horrible he is being.

I have no words, for once, even I am speechless at his awfulness.

Just sending you lots of Virtual Hugs from Scotland..........and hoping this awful time will soon be over for you.

Letty xxxxxxxOxOxOxOxO times a million, trillion XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Jennysmith said...

Poor sweetie. As if things aren't hard enough. sounds like he's bein childish. AND cutting off his nose to spite his face with that ridiculous custody thing.

don't worry. he knows he's on the way out xxx

Jean said...

All things pass.
Before long this nightmare will be over. It's important to not let him break your spirit. That is what he is aiming for.

Lakeland Jo said...

One of my favourite sayings- this too will pass.
I am praying for you, and for your children. And for your husband that his heart will unfreeze and he will see what is best to do.Warm
hugs from the damp and chilly Lakes.

Dori said...

There is strength in numbers and we're all behind you!

the eternal worrier said...

Hey Sub, I’ve been away for a while and have just caught up with your blog... Life sounds tough for you at the moment. I didn’t need a solicitor but Lou B will and I think she thinks it will be messy so is putting it off. I think I’ve mentioned that her husband refused to move out and I also have a friend whose husband did the same. It must be horrible situation to be in and I feel very sorry for you. Reading your blog makes me feel as though you have a bully in your midst?

Suburbia said...

Thanks you all. Your comment always make me feel better :)

Welcome Ribbon, I have tried to visit you but I can't open your blog. Sorry

Not Waving but Drowning said...

Bon Courage! The man's a $hit!

GG