Almost daily diary!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Love (part 2) Depression

She was in a state, shaking and trying not to cry. I take it all in, the whole scene, knowing that this is not right, not 'normal' behaviour. I tell her to take some big breaths, relax, slow down.
'But I get like this a lot now Billy'
That's what she calls me, Billy.
'I had to phone the bank the other day, they wanted some information and I couldn't find it and I got myself into such a state and started shaking and...'
She breaks down. I hate to see her like this but I've seen it before. It can start like this, I think to myself. And I hope I am wrong.

We were trying to book a holiday on line. The place she had set her heart on was not available, however her next choice was so we booked it immediately. It was all too much for her. The disappointment of loosing her first choice, (to me seemed totally out of proportion) the quickness of booking on line.

What makes it worse, my step father makes it unbearably clear, albeit with a stealthy delivery, that he would really rather stay at home. He says he wishes she had booked somewhere further east (we are talking Devon/Dorset border here rather than 'The Far East') She wishes he was more enthusiastic, they never go away together. The sadness of the situation slowly creeps under my skin, like a sort of osmosis, a passive process; I have felt it before.

Before I was married and had a family I remember her sitting on a dinning chair in my living room saying that she had nothing left to live for. There have been times when I have wanted to point out, since then, how much she would have missed; two grandchildren for a start. But when I look at her today, I do wonder whether a half life is good enough (perhaps she was right after all), whether the half life has made her this way. And while I think it, in my selfish 'only child' way, I wonder if I am seeing myself 30 years down the line. Will I be like this woman, so easily pushed off key? I recognise so many of her traits in myself. Will age make me weak and unsure, doubtful and depressed?

She sent an email this morning, I read it in the car. It made me cry, for her not myself. ...'Just a bit 'down' about the holiday...wish he was more enthusiastic.. wish we'd used my credit card so I could cancel it...I suppose I'll get used to it.. have been feeling a bit depressed lately and this seems like the last straw...' That was when I realised it was real, no one feels sad about a holiday that they have longed to book.

I have persuaded her to go to the Dr next week. Hopefully she'll get pills, they worked the last time. It takes 2 weeks before you feel any better. Yet I am convinced that to be loved and cherished would work just as well, my love is not enough, it is not that sort of love that she has been deprived of for so long. No, it is the love of a good man that could have made her life so much more full. Love and kindness. She is 77 this year.

My Mum
Unloved
There but for the Grace of God go I





9 comments:

Maggie May said...

That was very sad, Sub.
Hope the tablets kick into action and that the depression will pass. Living a half life is better than none. (I think!)
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Steve said...

Oh that is sad. I think your advice to her is on the button.

Steve said...

Oh that is sad. I think your advice to her is on the button.

Rob-bear said...

That is so very, very sad, Sub.

As a chronic depressive myself, I can feel a lot of what she is feeling. I do hope someone can find something that will help her!

nick said...

Depression can be a hard nut to crack if it's been going on for a while. Hopefully the pills will help but as you say, being loved and cherished would help too. It sounds like what she really needs is some solid sense of purpose in her life to organise herself around. But probably only a therapist could get to the bottom of it.

Furtheron said...

how awful...

makes me realise I should be so grateful for the love that I have freely given to me... I am very very lucky

Jennysmith said...

I feel for you on this new journey in both your lives. xx

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

Dear Suburbia, I have been missing in action for so long, life has been a bit hectic, plus I have been suffering from a Viral Infection for quite a time, which has dragged me down. I didn't need to tell you the last bit, but I am usually so healthy, it has "dragged me down".

But I decided to have a catch up on my favourite blogs, and was upset to read about your Mum.
I have been to the dark valley of depression, and it is so bleak and so featureless, and so tiring. It was many years ago now, but what I needed at the time, was a hand in the dark, someone I could talk to, no pills, they just numb your spirit.

Make sure your Mum knows you are there to talk to, or has someone she can trust, to whom she can off load.

My thoughts are with you. And your Mum.

Letty xx

Liz said...

But she does have you and the grandchildren and - speaking from experience - there are depressions that only pills can help so I hope she gets them.