Almost daily diary!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Moving on

Tuesday afternoon was spent walking with a friend and her son who is Small Sprogs best mate. For much of the way Tall Girl walked with us, i pod stuffed in her ears, but completely up to date with our conversation in every way! However, on the way home she broke into a trot to catch up with the boys, so my friend, Mother of Two Boys, and I could chat in a more unguarded fashion.

She expressed complete surprise at my current home situation, though she has been aware of it since January. We haven't spoken much about things before. "You were the perfect couple" she said a few times, trying to make sense of the situation.

It is a while since anyone has said this too me, and it always takes me a back. Were we? I guess at some point in time we must have been, but it still seems funny that people should have that opinion of our lives. What is the basis of their judgment? I want to ask, who is ever perfect?

When this happens I start to question myself. Was it really that good? Have I completely lost my senses? And as I dwell on the last 15 years of my life, it seems that I have grown up and changed more than I could ever have expected to, and yes, it may have looked that good from the outside, it may have even been that good from the inside, for a while. But now there is nothing left, no connectedness, and from where I am standing it is a very bleak landscape indeed. Goodness me, how things have changed, and how right I am to have made the decision to leave.

I can see her struggling with the idea. She has been married for just as long and it's never been an easy relationship. Perhaps my circumstance makes people uneasy about their own relationship. If ''The Perfect Couple'' can become disenchanted, then what's around the corner for anyone else?

But do you know what? There is no perfect. What they saw was not the reality, and for all the arguments and tough times that Mother of Two Boys has come through, their relationship is far more real than mine ever was, they connect, they touch and they still care about each other.

And as for what is around the corner, well, does any one of us ever know the answer to that one?


So now that you think you know all about me, you should know just one more thing. During the turmoil that has become my married life over the last few months, I have met someone else who has become very important. I just thought I should let you know.

24 comments:

Dori said...

Perception and perspective. Odd things, aren't they? My brother-in-law is going through a separation from his wife who left him for another man. They had the "perfect marriage/family". No. Just never let anything show. Us, on the other hand, fought and argued, yet managed to hold on and discovered we still loved each other. 6 months ago someone on the outside looking in would have predicted that we were the ones on the verge of divorce. Not the other brother. Perception.

And, really. Your "admission" comes as no surprise you know. Might it have anything to do with "an oasis"? Thrilled beyond measure for you that you have managed to find that and hold on to it.

Mean Mom said...

Some couples find it hard to disguise the facts when they're not getting on, but I would never regard any couple as 'the perfect couple', because you never know what goes on 'behind closed doors'.

It's good to hear that you're enjoying a new relationship!

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

Sometimes it takes finding someone else special to make us look at the state of our lives!

Having said that - the someone special I found - was not the someone special I now live with...
although I never see the first special one anymore, at the time he did make me feel desirable, special and worthwhile. For that i will always be grateful to him.
And yes - separation and divorce is scary for those around you - it can happen to them, you are now single and might take their men, how did they miss the signs. I once said to friend going through it - why didn't you tell me what was going on!!! and then trailed off as I realised that I hadn't told her either... we hide it like the guilty secret society demands of marriages on the rocks.

May your path get easier.

Molly said...

Looks, obviously, can be deceptive! It's one thing being on the outside looking in, but quite another to be living inside what looks to the untrained eye, like the perfect match. So now you have another interesting twist in the plot! I'll keep turning the pages......

Steve said...

Ain't no such thing as perfect. There are only relationships that are working and those that aren't. Grass always looks greener, etc, so everyone always thinks everyone else is happier than they are. Congrats on the new flame: a relationship that's working. ;-)

Hullaballoo said...

I am so pleased, something made me think you had. Perhaps it was the lovingly cooked meals and the time away. Good on you, enjoy it to the full, drink it in, because you deserve it honey.

xxxx

Lindsay said...

I did wonder whether you had met someone - woman's intuition! Hope you end up happy whatever the future holds.

Not Waving but Drowning said...

I'm so chuffed for you!

Make sure that you grab that chunk of happiness with both hands.

GG

nick said...

One thing I have learnt over the years is that it's impossible for outsiders to understand another couple's relationship. Whatever appears on the surface is a long way from whatever's going on underneath. Apparently perfect couples can be totally discordant and vice versa. But people form a subjective opinion and they stick to it doggedly.

Glad to hear about the someone special.

Furtheron said...

Indeed - what is perfect, who is the perfect couple etc...

When I fell (literally) into rehab in the summer of 2004 my wife carried on with the normal face forward to most people, her colleagues didn't know, most of her friends didn't. Finally she had to tell a few close ones and they were stunned... at least our deception of all being fine on the outside had fooled some of them. Quotes like "surely he isn't that bad?" and "this is all too drastic surely?" hid the fact that she knew I'd been a total mess for years and was killing not only myself but slowly her and kids as well.

One thing though - even though our relationship is still far from perfect (whatever that is, but is the OXO family image isn't it?) she stayed with me... I'm often buggered if I can understand why at times. She is still my best mate - that counts for the most though I suppose.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

Nothing is perfect... and I always say when someone expresses surprise at some situation or relationship...

one never knows (or indeed understands) what goes on behind closed doors!

I think that is very true!
and btw just because the ipod is in there, they can look as if they are listening to music when, in fact they ARE listening to every word you say...


what are your plans this weekend?

Lakeland Jo said...

Like a few of the others, I did wonder. There have been a few clues. Good luck to you.
I decided a long time ago I would never make assumptions about people or relationships. There is so much complexity, and as you say, you never really can tell. And of course, people change.
Happy Easter X

Rose said...

I've known quite a few "perfect couples" who ended up with an imperfect relationship, and then I've looked at other couples, wondering what ever keeps them together. Some of us are just better at keeping up appearances:)

I had a feeling there was someone new in your life; I'm glad to know there's someone there for you!

Anonymous said...

It's like reading my own story here, Suburbia. Our own very close knit expat community was rocked to it's core at the news of my own split and a few of my friends confessed that it had made them question their own relationships, as ours had seemed so perfect.

I made the mistake of rushing headlong into another relationship with disastrous consequences, simply because I needed to heal some of the pain quickly. Having had a couple of years alone now, I am now back in touch with No.2, who has also had some alone time and we are ready to rock. Only now are our stars aligned.

Sounds corny to say that you need to find yourself, I only wish I had back then as I am not half bad !! :-)

Willing you on, always. Lots of love.

Maxine

The Dotterel said...

Wow - save the best news 'til last! Silver lining...?

Kitty said...

I think it's very true that a separating couple makes their friends and family nervous for the security of their own relationships. Nobody can know what is really happening within a family, unless they are a part of that family. And even then, it is possible to hide so much, without even knowing we are doing it.

I'm happy that you have some happiness. Enjoy it.

x

the eternal worrier said...

Lots of people told me after the split with my wife that they thought we were a ‘solid as rock couple.’ People told me that they ‘just didn’t see that coming.’ None of us know what’s round the corner. You know my history Sub... we all have these moments when we wonder what we’ve done. But things change with time. These people get used to the idea of you not being together. Maybe others find it uncomfortable because they’re not happy in their relationship. Who knows?

Working mum said...

That was some curve ball you threw in at the end there!

True, no such thing as a perfect couple. And no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Perhaps your friend should have said you did a good job of appearing like a perfect couple.

mrsnesbitt said...

Grab what you can, when you can, for as long as you can.
Dxxxx

cheshire wife said...

Perfection does not always last.

I suspected that there was someone else. Hope that you will be very happy with them.

Happy Easter!

McBöbø said...

Good. Excellent. Well done you for acting and taking a step away from a lack of connectedness, and towards someone who has become very important ... and you to them I trust. I'm very pleased for you.

family affairs said...

OOH similar situation to mine in early days - although I would agree with anon that be really careful about a new relationship so soon - it really really clouds your view. Good luck with everything Lx

presious said...

How does one define the "perfect couple"? What does that entail. I think relationships are difficult or puzzling because we bring so much with us into that relationship and, as a result of the joining together, we change as we grow. None of this is predictable.

A person once said to me, "Well, you knew how he was before you married him." Sure we know each other in the spell of time, but then we change and grow, better/worse, who knows?

That is a tough question. That's like asking "Are you in love?" I don't know what that is either.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Kevin Max, a favorite singer of mine, once sang "...who said there's someone perfect in the wings, perfection isn't you"... meaning, we aren't perfect, so why should we ever believe that there is someone perfect for us?
And he's spot on.

It IS nice to find someone to connect with, though. And it sounds (in your postscript), as though that may be just around the bend for you. I wish you every happiness. Always.


Scarlett & Viaggiatore