Almost daily diary!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

My children

Today I am aching for my children, though they are still here with me, tucked up in their snugly beds. I can feel my heart strings starting to tighten, because the day after tomorrow they are off on a camping trip, with their dad, for the weekend.

He has taken them away a lot recently and I have felt ok about it, but this time seems so much worse. I guess I'm feeling this way because it is the first camping trip of the year, they have not been camping without me yet, and I want to be with them. I want to be with them to make sure they are warm at night, to make sure they are not frightened of the dark, and to make sure they are safe when playing wild and free. I know he can do this, I am just finding it hard to relinquish my responsibility. 

Small Sprog wants me to go too. He doesn't understand, and I have realised that I do need to explain things to him more. It is finding the right moment that is tricky. Tall Girl asked if she could do some cooking with me this weekend. She had forgotten that she would be away. I would have liked to have cooked with her. 

I have come to realise that there is only ever enough time in the world when I'm alone, and then I don't need it.


Update: Thank you for all your comments. By a twist of fate, I have the whole day to spend on the sofa today with Small Sprog! He has been sick a few times, so can't go to school and is still feeling washed out. I hate it when he is ill, but I can't help thinking how nice it is to have time to snuggle on the sofa with him today with nothing else to do!

Hopefully he will be well enough to camp later this weekend, he does enjoy the freedom of it. And I will enjoy my weekend doing other things, it's just the letting go that's hard.

21 comments:

Elizabeth said...

My heart aches for you too.
This is such a horribly difficult time for you.
I hope you are getting the support you need.

Liz said...

Oh, that last sentence is so sad! Wish a magic fairy could wave a wand and it would all be better instantly ... but it will be.

Maggie May said...

It is a very difficult time for you.
I can understand how you feel as I would have hated it too, being apart from my children.
Hopefully you will have them the next weekend and they will be fine with their dad this next one.
Hope you find something special to do. X

lakeviewer said...

I love the last sentence. What a simply poignant lesson you just taught us!

Amanda said...

((suburbia)) you are where my friend was a while ago. For my friend things are different now. When her children are with their Dad thats *her* time, it took her awhile to get used to it. She's happy, really happy.

Dori said...

Oh, Sub! {{Hugs}}. And, yes, they'll be fine. They'll miss you, but they'll be fine.

Rose said...

This post tugs at my heart-strings, Suburbia. It's hard to let go of our children, especially when you are used to being with them in these circumstances. And isn't it funny (ironic, I mean) that we long for time for ourselves, but when we get it, it's rather lonely. I sometimes can't wait for youngest Daughter to move out, because she's so messy! But then I really will have an empty nest...

All the more reason to enjoy our time with our children when they're with us. I'm sure they will be fine. Maybe you'll have a chance to get together with friends?

Steve said...

Painful. Very painful. But on the positive side the kids obviously want to be with you and have you around. Take comfort from this. It would be far worse if they were blase about leaving you for the weekend. Sounds like there's a lot of love there. :-)

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

oh dear it does pull on the heart strings! Why not get organised ad do a it of cooking or baking tonight? then eat all together your spoils? it doesn't HAVE to be the weekend? d something spontaneous with them, tonight or tomorrow. That they wouldnt expect but wold love. A treat. I dunno cookng. Or go bowling and get hotdogs or KFC, if thats a change..

FFF x (HUG)

Furtheron said...

Time is a bit of a bugger isn't it.

Given it's all relative anyway that doesn't help you as we slip through the path of life that is our collection of connecting the dots through the space/time continuum. Why can't I jump quicker between some of the dots? Why can't I go back and have another go at some of the others when either I've balls up and need to change it or want to experience that again? Why can't I stop the transition from one to the other when I'm in a rare golden moment?

Right - sons a physist I need him to sort this out for us to give us control over time...

fantasy over... bugger must dash...

Suburbia said...

Saz, great idea but TG is at a bowling party tonight, she lives a charmed life!!

Suburbia said...

Thanks Furtheron, made me smile :)

Jennysmith said...

My thoughts are with you on this first difficult step, sweetie. It will be hard but a recently separated friend told me that you do get used to it after a while. Sounds a bit heartless i know but apparently it will work out.

Sending my love and prayers xxxx

nick said...

Yes, it must be hard when you're used to going camping with them. Still, it's only a weekend, make sure you enjoy yourself lavishly while they're away!

Akelamalu said...

It's going to take a lot of getting used to. x

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

I would feel exactly the way you feel, about the separation and the cuddles on the couch. It's good you express your feelings this way and I get a gut feeling you are strong and will be fine.x

Letty said...

My heart is with you, Suburbia, with all this.

Letting go is so so so so hard.

Sorry I am late in keeping up with your news,

but before I hit the hay tonight I wanted to see how you were doing.

Just keep the faith.

Your children will be fine,(oh I hope Small Sprog is better soon), things are difficult now, but the sun will shine for you all soon, trust me,

The sun will come out tomorrow........

The children love you, and want to be with you, they will never forget your love.

Letty.

xxxxxx

The Dotterel said...

That's two of us nursing sick children on the sofa. It's how I know Charlie's ill - he's sitting still... Hope SS makes his camping trip and you don't miss him too much...

Brett said...

I must admit that due to my back i'm not reading as many blogs as i normally do, but still find that when i come here i sit and read every word.

the eternal worrier said...

I really miss the day to day stuff with my kids. Sitting watching TV in the evenings, random questions about things. Your comment about time and being alone is excellent. I agree. Being on your own is ok, but only if you’ve chosen to.

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

oh just checking in, I suddenly thought today because I have been busy with stuff, I had not looked in on your blog to see if you were ok.

I hope all well.

Your friend, Letty ;0)