Almost daily diary!

Monday, April 09, 2012

Perhaps

Just recently I have spent time with my Lovely Man's family as well as my own parents and although visiting my own oddball parents is an adventure in itself, Lovely Man's parents house is usually more full and lively. This is probably due to the fact that Lovely Man is so much younger than myself and therefore so are his parents; he also has a bigger family and I am lucky to feel equally at home in both places.

So now that my eldest offspring is almost closer to 16 than 15, I find myself wondering what it will be like to have them 'home to visit' with various friends and boyfriends when they are older. Will I still be such an embarrassment that they won't bring their friends home at all? Perhaps even they won't want to come? Or will they just come home to humour me? Will the Not So Small Sprog walk through the front door, straight to the kitchen and stick his head in the fridge to see what's for lunch? For that last one, I hope so.

How will it be? There is much to look forward to I hope but I dare not to imagine it for fear of it not turning out as planned.

Sitting here now, in Lovely Man's Parents House, the window open and bird song in abundance, I want this paradise for my own family. I want the house in the country with fruit trees and space all around. Yet I am already middle aged. This prize is the one afforded to people who marry young and stay together through thick and thin, who build on the foundations of solid jobs and hard work, who bring their children up in a stable family, no bags packed for weekends with daddy, no halving of the marital home or working part time because there's not much else available right now.

Someone once told me that I would be jeopardising my financial future if I left my marriage. They were right of course and I knew so at the time. Yet I felt and still feel that to stay together for financial and material reasons alone would be like throwing away life itself. To not feel love or be loved.

Someone else once told me that to achieve anything, to reach your goal, you have to have a plan. Dare I plan or even dream? Does it seem fruitless, when half your life is over, to keep striving for perfection?

This is what I have begun to ask myself. Yet I guess in a way I already have the answer. In these last three years life has changed beyond all recognition. I have invented a new life for myself; perhaps it is a new life or perhaps it is just one more point along the axis from start to finish. Maybe, still, anything is possible. We just have to make it happen.





11 comments:

Dicky Carter said...

"Does it seem fruitless, when half your life is over, to keep striving for perfection?"

Yes - possibly. A lovely post Sub.

Maggie May said...

That post was packed with thought provoking questions.
It has made me sit and ponder.

I think children come back for a variety of reasons.
Most families have quirks and difficulties if you look below the surface.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Steve said...

To think and reflect is the most postive things we can do with our lives. That and be grateful for what we now have.

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Thank you for this lovely thoughtful post. It supports everything I am trying to do too xx

Rose said...

All the "trappings" are not what make a family. I used to long for a big house that was beautifully decorated and always neat, but my children brought their boyfriends/girlfriends home anyway even if the couch was getting threadbare and there was only one bathroom:) I think SS and Tall Girl will always want to return to visit you.

You're still young--don't give up on your dreams!

nick said...

I really admire the way you've had the courage to remake your life and not accept second-best. And no, it's never fruitless to keep striving for perfection, even when you're 99. There's always more to discover and enjoy!

Starnitesky said...

Keep dreaming. Never stop. I have always wished for the house in the country too. It is enjoyable when your children bring back their friends, although I found when they still lived at home there were rather a lot of friends at times. I am sure TG and SS will always be returning!

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

ah, it must be kismet or something, I am the worst blogger in the world at the moment, but tonight I thought to myself I must read Suburbia's latest post! And how bizarre - because I have just had my youngest son and girlfriend home. And yes, even at nearly 24, first thing he does is walk into the kitchen and stick his head in the fridge in search of food! Pate and toast was being consumed rapidly yesterday afternoon around 5 pm! Despite a feast being cooked by me to eat at 7pm.

Don't stress too much about the future dear Suburbia, just live for the "now". From reading your blog for so long now, and enjoying your writing, I know your children will never be ashamed of you, they will be like mine .......tolerant, loving and happy to be in your company.

I am speaking as someone who accidentally bumped into my daughter on Friday evening (and her girlie friends) on a train coming home from Glasgow on a wild night out for us, her parents!

Just relax, chill and enjoy the wonderful now, tomorrow will take care of itself.

Your friend, Letty xx

Furtheron said...

Having my sons girlfriend visit over the last year has been ... odd ... but ok - we are there with it now and we didn't frighten her away thankfully :-)

Liz said...

Small Sprog will definitely head straight for the fridge. Elder Son does and he's 30.

They won't be embarrassed; they'll be proud of their brilliant mu.

John Gray said...

newbe here.. a nice thoughtful post,.....I enjoyed that over a cuppa