One day done and one left to go...

... of the weekend that is. I can't complain so far, though in my head the whole weekend stretched ahead of me and I felt as though I was going to be walking through treacle. However, as always, the children are my saviours.

This morning my Small Sprog climbed sleepily up the stairs and lodged himself in my bed. We read stories and found and old Beano sticker book that he had hardly used. He set to work making his own comic strip with the sticker book characters, it kept him busy for what seemed like hours, first in my room and then sitting companionably on the bathroom floor while I was in the bath.

Tall Girl was, and has been since her birthday, engrossed in the audio Cd's of 'Twilight' which I bought her for her birthday. There are 11 Cds in the set and she has just reached the end. Being dyslexic, it would take her a tortuous couple of months to read the novel. She is spellbound by the story, as are all girls of her age it seems.

By the time we were all washed and dressed and ready for the day it was nearly noon! Husband had been downstairs all that time, well out of the way and unable to interfere. I love these leisurely mornings with my children. We were all happily doing our own thing, but together, if you now what I mean? There was no pressure to do anything or be anywhere, and for once, Husband was not making us go down for breakfast at a time when only he wanted to eat.

It was later, as I was washing up our late breakfast early lunch type meal, that I caught sight of Small Sprog proudly showing his dad his homemade comic strips. Husband had totally taken over the project and was doing one himself, while Small Sprog watched. I felt angry that he didn't have the respect to watch and encourage Small Sprog without interfering and trying to 'improve' him or tell him what to do. I kept my council.

By 3.30 we were at our party. It was fun and predictable, 12 years and always the same people and format, though the children are somewhat bigger now and the older ones initially more awkward! The predictability and company of close friends made the whole afternoon and evening fly by in such a comfortable way, we all know each other so well. There was, and always is, far too much food, but the mulled wine was just about perfect!

Husband did not come in the end. I was very relieved but as we left him behind in the house, I felt a small stab of pity for him. How would I have felt in his shoes? We had always gone before as a family. But the pity didn't last long, as I remembered just how bad things have been recently. Is that bad?

My Domestic Goddess friend, who was at the party and always makes the cake, commented on husbands behaviour when she dropped her children off to me recently. She commented on how cold and harsh he was, and how even to her, he was abrupt and off hand.

I was glad she had noticed. Sometimes I think I am going mad.

More time with friends tomorrow. I am thankful.

It is hard to know where to start...

I guess the custody battle is what is getting to me most. My priority is keeping the children out of court. So far husband has not changed his mind over custody and so my solicitor has said the next step is to let the court decide. I have no idea what he is playing at. How can he think about splitting the children? How can he think that he can care for a teenage daughter alone? How can he think that any of this is good for any of us? Why on earth does he want to pay huge court costs when his proposal is almost certain to fail? Unless there is something I don't know about.

I think he is counting up my nights away. He has stopped going away himself. He may be going to try to say I am not mothering properly.

Meanwhile his presence becomes even more claustrophobic. The fact that he will not go out means I have no down time at home with the children without him. His constant presence is intimidating, he has designed it to be that way.

This morning, as often happens, he was sitting in the kitchen on the last remaining chair. He had finished eating breakfast, but would not get up to let me sit to eat mine. He would not move to let me get a mug from the cupboard. All those low level things have begun to get me down this week, particularly with the prospect of staying at home a little more.

In the evening, as soon as I put dinner on the table in the other room for the children and I, he comes to sit with us. I don't want him there. I want to relax and unwind with my babies. It happens most nights now, unless I get food on the table ridiculously early. He seems to be getting home from work earlier too, so it is nearly impossible to eat before he arrives home. When at the table he tries to dominate the conversation. I see through him instantly, he used to never really bother asking about their school day before all this happened. He talks over me. It is unpleasant.

Tonight there were horrible sly and snide comments made to me when I was trying to watch a wildlife programme on the TV with Small Sprog. The solicitor said to stand up to him, but if I answer back, he throws another comment my way, and all the time Small Sprog is there, next to me on the sofa, listening.

So this weekend I have tried to fill our time with fun things to do, allowing for homework of course! We have the first Christmas party of the season on Saturday afternoon and evening, which is a regular event held just down the road from here, done in conjunction with 5 other families. It is always fun, they are some of my closest friends. I am hoping Husband will not attend...

On Sunday my lovely friend as invited us over to see her. We will also visit Techniquest beforehand. The children are really keen to go, for them it will be two treats at once. She understands my predicament. I am so very thankful to her and for all my wonderful friends. This week I have felt looked after by so many lovely people. I am very lucky, I could not carry on like this without them. I am grateful, it's just hard sometimes.

While I am writing, I am wondering how I will get through Christmas Day here with him and the children. At the same time I know it is what the children want. That is how I will get by.

Back down to earth

I am here. I am here with too much to write, with too many tears and a head full of thoughts that I cannot dispel.

Last weekend I was away and free. It was beautiful.

Now I am here, and things seem to get worse by the day.

Tomorrow morning I see the solicitor again.

Forgive me, for I am too tired of it all to write more.

In love with life and bloggy land!

I have noticed recently, on at least 4 blogs that I read daily, how people are doing lists of things that they are grateful for.

One thing I've learnt over the last year, or have been taught by a close friend perhaps I should say, is to count my blessings.

When you read other peoples blessings, you realise how much we have in common, how we all are touched by the simplest of things, how what makes us happy is often uncomplicated, family, friends, a sunny day. So I will try hard to continue to think daily of how lucky I am - for I am truly blessed with so many things - and remember to take time to take stock, instead of racing on to the next thing, as my impatient side will always tend to do.

Home

I love having a tidy house. I like the way everything looks right in a certain place. I especially like the kitchen worktops to be crumb and mess free, and I like the floor to be the same way. I am happy when the carpet is hoovered and the cushions are plumped.

However, I am struggling. Since I heard from the solicitor that Husband wants to keep this house, I feel like it doesn't belong to me any more. I have lost the will to keep it clean and tidy, apart from the essentials, and as I am doing the basics I feel as if I am cleaning someone else's house not my own.

Every so often I get a real urge to tidy and straighten. I suppose it is almost in built, we have been here so long and I have worked on autopilot for most of that time. Truth be told, there is a lot of satisfaction in tidying and straightening, it feels good, it helps me think straight. But suddenly I catch myself doing a job and then I remember, this is pointless, no one notices, no one keeps it tidy, no one keeps it clean and tomorrow it will look just as bad again.

Then I find myself looking at nice things in shops. Brightly coloured towels and accessories, china with clean lines, shiny new kettles and toasters! I am longing for a home, to make a home, it is what I used to do for a living and I miss it so. Whilst married Husband has often stifled my creativity. Sometimes this has lead to a total impasse and nothing has been agreed at all. I know life together is a compromise, yet I feel I have been compromised to the point of loosing myself.

I am longing for a home, I am waiting, but time moves so slowly.

Another toilet story!

It was a lovely relaxed start to the day yesterday, Husband left the house before we were all awake, and it was great to have the place to drift about in.

However, at about 8am there was a ring on the front door bell. I was in the downstairs toilet. "Tall Girl, you'll have to get it I'm having a ***" I shout urgently, just as the delivery driver wrenches open the porch door. I can hear her padding about and as she passes where I am, she tactfully pushes the door completely closed.

Inside I am trying to stifle giggles.

She signs for the parcel and shuts the front door with a bang.

As I hear it slam I explode into laughter, her face appears around the toilet door, she is giggling too. "Do you think he heard me?" I spluttered

"Definitely" She replied and gave me a withering look

Ooops, if only I was a quieter person!

I have just one word to say to you......

Here's a meme I have done before, but it was probably last year, and lots has changed since then, so when I saw it again I thought I'd have another go. You need to answer with one word answers (obviously!) not easy for me, hence the title!

1. Where is your cell phone? Somewhere

2. Your hair? Brown

3. Your mother? Mad

4. Your father? Technical

5. Your favourite food? Anything

6. Your dream last night? Oasis

7. Your favourite drink? Wine

8. Your dream/goal? Happiness

9. What room are you in? Attic

10. Your hobby? Communicating

11. Your fear? Loss

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy

13. Where were you last night? Here

14. Something that you aren't? Roasted

15. Muffins? Scones

16. Wish list item? Home

17. Where did you grow up? Cheltenham

18. Last thing you did? Ate

19. What are you wearing? Thin!

20. Your TV? iPlayer

21. Your pets? Gone

22. Friends? Wonderful

23. Your life? Messy

24. Your mood? Excited

25. Missing someone? Yes

26. Vehicle? Tickles

27. Something you're not wearing? Silk

28. Your favourite store? Sweetmart

29. Your favourite colour? Bright

30. When was the last time you laughed? 17:43

31. Last time you cried? Recently

32. Your best friend? Wales

33. One place that I go to over and over?

34. One person who emails me regularly?

35. Favourite place to eat? Sofa

Just to explain, my car's registration, sort of spells Tickles, almost....In case you think I've gone completely mad?

Feel free to join in!

The one in which Small Sprog locks himself in the loo...

Four weeks ago Small Sprog had his first ever flu jab. He suffers from asthma, which is mostly under control but he had a big 'flare up' last winter, so the NHS have sent him an invitation to be stabbed in the arm. Twice!

The first jab went well, he couldn't remember having an injection before as he had been so young last time. I bought and applied 'Emla' cream so that he wouldn't feel the needle, and all was fine until after the jab, where he promptly threw up out of shock. Poor love. Anyway thankfully the jab left no side effects - other than a complete fear of needles and the knowledge that having a jab can make you vomit - and all was well. Until this morning, when he needed to go back for his booster.

Now, rather than reminding him of it days ago, and letting him fret, I thought I would tell him at the last minute. He woke, bumbled sleepily to the breakfast table and thought about what to eat. I suddenly realised that maybe it was not a good idea for him to eat before we went, so I had to tell him there and then, where he was going at 9am. His face crumpled in betrayal. How could I? He began to sob. I tried to say it would be better this time, it was important that he should go, better than having the flu etc etc. Over time he seemed to resign himself, and after a shower and dressing, he watched TV, to 'take his mind off it'!

By 8.50 it was time to leave " Come on" I said "Time to go"

"I'm not going" He replied

Oh no, he was not resigned at all. I tried to lift him into my arms. He's damned heavy now and it was all I could do to keep his feet off the ground. I hauled him towards the door. As we passed the downstairs toilet, he grabbed hold of the handle. "I need a wee" He shrieked, so I let him down.

Into the toilet he went, shut the door and guess what? He refused to come out again! The door was firmly locked and bolted, there was no way to get to him, the little rascal- though that may not have been what I wanted to call him at the time. He must have been planning it, as a last resort, all along!

After much cajoling, he did come out. Eventually! The only reason being there was nothing very amusing to do in there, except read his joke book on the toilet while his legs went numb, and the joke book was at least two Christmases old.

Note to self; do not leave exciting reading matter in the toilet for Small Sprog, in four weeks time he has his swine flu jab! Shhhhhh, don't tell him!

Thank you

I have been very lucky recently to have received two awards.

The first from lovely Saz, who is often in my thoughts. This Kreativ Blogger award has clauses so here goes;

Firstly thank the person who gave it to you.
Copy the logo and place it in your blog.
Link the person who nominated you.
Name 7 things about yourself that no one would really know.
Nominate seven 'Kreativ Bloggers.'

The 7 things you don't already know is a bit of a tall order, so, having been inspired by a comment recently from Letty, I have given the 7 things a theme! Letty wanted to know how Husband and I got together in the first place, so here goes;

1 We met through my work

2 I was his customer

3 I had not long finished a long term relationship when he asked me out

4 When I met him I thought that he would make a good friend, nothing more

5 Within 3 months he asked me to marry him. It sounds so frivolous now, but I had no other plans for my life at the time and said yes without really thinking about it!

6 Within a year we were married

7 By the time I became pregnant with Tall Girl I knew I would never have the sort of relationship I really wanted.

It all seems, and indeed is, such a long time ago now. Yet had I not married him, I wouldn't have two beautiful children in the here and now, so perhaps it was meant to be. Anyway...

Now I need to nominate 7 bloggers. I would like to award this to;

Kitty

Liz

Elizabeth

Louise

Starnitesky

Rose

who are all very creative indeed.

And last but not least Letty with her private blog, for her inspiration!

This second 'Queen of all things'! award is from Chic Mama, thank you Chic, and it comes with no strings attached as far as I can remember! So, I would like to award this one to

Maggie

Saz

and Joanne

all Awe-Summmm in their own way

That's it then! Phew!

Hope you all had a good weekend. What was your highlight?

The Party

Tall Girls party on Monday night went far better than I had anticipated. Not that I thought it would be a bad party, just that Husband and I were there celebrating together for Tall Girls sake, and I didn't want her to feel an atmosphere on her special day.

If things had gone to plan it should have been like this;

Tall Girl home with 3 friends

Small sprog off to climbing wall with cubs (= Husband and Small Sprog being out for most of it!)

Eat copious amounts of pizza

Go to the cinema

Take friends home

Bed

But things rarely turn out as planned! It ended up like this;

Tall Girl home

One friend stranded with no lift so we went to fetch her.

One friend late

Another friend late because she forgot she was in a netball match!

All gathered in eventually.

No decent film that they all wanted to watch (this was agreed a few days before)

So... my lovely friend and beautician, Mother of Two Boys came at late notice to do a 'make-up' party

Small Sprog got wind of there being a party at home, so refused to go to the climbing wall and cubs.

Husband very cross that Small Sprog had changed his mind as he had 'rushed home' to take him.

Tall girls netball friend brought her younger sister who pleaded to stay.

I agreed because it might entertain Small Sprog (they are same age and good friends) in the hope he would not bother the older ones.

That plan failed!

Tall Girl and friends came down to the level of the 9 year olds and shrieked around the house until the food was ready!

I didn't have enough pizza for the 2 extra mouths, so they had mine and I had no tea!

Mother of Two Boys turned up to do her thing. She brought out all her pots and palettes, shadows and shimmers, there were ooos and ahhhs, and then...peace reigned.

Small Sprog and friend played on the Wii

I was so pleased to have Mother of Two Boys there, I felt less alone. She is a good friend and her presence relaxed me.

By 9 o clock I was exhausted! The older ones had been cleansed, toned and were tastefully made up, whilst Small Sprog was in overdrive due to tiredness! We sang 'happy birthday' and then cut the cake. By 9.15 I was trying to herd them into the car to take them home. It had been a wonderful 4 hours of fun, Tall Girl and I didn't want it to end.

Small Sprog is busy...

Small Sprog is busy. He has been pestering to make a 'house' out of a shoe box for a while now. He started it last weekend, making the inside of the first box into his bedroom, crafting the bed, shelves and accessories to go inside out of cardboard. It has absorbed him. He has finished his room and now needs an extension!

When I was his age I used to do the same thing, making rooms from boxes, then farms and some fields from those old polystyrene ceiling tiles we used to have in the '70's, painting them green and putting matchstick fences around to keep the pretend animals in. I know this may be taking some imagination, but stick with me for a moment!

Anyway, I remember the whole thing got so big that I had to store it under my bed. One day when I came home from school, I went to my room to get it out and it was gone. Mum had 'tidied' my room. To her it had just been a load of old boxes and tiles, junk. To me it had been my reality. I can remember being very upset, and I'm sure she was to when she realised.

So, Small Sprogs boxes will not meet the same fate. I always ask both of them before throwing out any of their things, though it is tough with Small Sprog, because he is a hoarder.

Today he added another box. It was going to be his sisters room. He thoughtfully made things to go inside. It was very different from his own cardboard room. He made her a lamp, necklace holder, and a pretty rug. Bless him, and he did it all with thought and care as though bestowing real gifts on her.

When Husband arrived home we were all in the kitchen. Small Sprog gave him a guided tour of the box house. "This is my room, this is Tall Girls room" he said excitedly "Next I'm going to make mummy's room and a toilet and then downstairs....."

I carried on with preparing the meal, but inside I smiled.Perhaps it was a slip of the mind, but his description didn't include daddy's room. Perhaps Small Sprog is looking forward to having 'our' house as much as I am? I hope so.

From child to teenager in 24 hours!

Today it is Tall Girls 13th birthday! Goodness me, 13 years ago today I was slightly scared and in some pain! Was it really that long ago? It doesn't seem like it...until you look at her!

She is almost as tall as me now and it is hard to imagine that she was only 6lb and 13oz 13 years ago today. Quite a miracle when you think of it, and I am very fortunate and grateful that she has grown strong and healthy, despite being picky and now fairly attached to junk food!

When I dropped her off to go and run a stall at the local church hall on Saturday, we were a little late. As I parked the car I urged her to run in quickly, so as to be to too late.

She kissed me goodbye, got out of the car, and off she went. Did she run? Did she ****, she didn't even manage a trot. Off she sloped, tall shoulders hunched, scuffing along at snails pace.

I looked at her and 'tutted' to myself. She needed a rocket under her backside, I thought and then I just laughed out loud. How I remember my mother saying the same of me. How I remember, even in my first job, being told that I must move faster, with a sense of urgency if possible! Poor girl, there's no hope!

Happy Birthday Tall Girl

13 today x

Love from your mum

PS. This is not her cake! Though I wish I was clever enough to create one similar to it. Hers is chocolate, made by Granny as always. Chocolate always goes down well. I will miss mum not being here for her birthday, the first day since Tall Girls birth, that she has been absent for either her birthday or her party. Times change, things move on.

Sunday.

I sat in the car today for an hour on the Downs this morning. The rain was pattering on the window and the rusty leaves of the Horse Chestnut trees blew around me in the breeze. It is Rememberence Sunday, it always makes me cry. The sky was crying too. Lest we forget.

Fireworks.

In the car, on the way to school this morning, Small Sprog was getting excited about going to see the firework display. "Daddy wants to take me too" He said.

"Oh" I reply. I was really hoping that it would just be the three of us, I wasn't sure I could stand us all going together.

"He said he really wants to go, can't we all go together?" Said Small Sprog

Poor thing, he is so torn between us, he wants to please us both, he wants to be fair. I couldn't tell him why I wanted it to be just the three of us, I couldn't tell him what Daddy had planned; do you realise that daddy wants to split you and your sister up for three or four days a week? That is what I wanted to say, but obviously I couldn't.

We did all go together. Tall Girl took her friend, for company or protection against the storm, I'm not sure which. For some reason, although my car is tiny, I felt the need to drive us all, something about being in control I guess.

They were superb fireworks and a great display, despite being very delayed and all the 'tiny ones' in the audience heckling with fake countdowns and singing a very rare version of 'why are we waiting'! My children stayed close, I was worried I would lose them in more ways than one, but I did not. We 'Oooohed' and Ahhhhhhed' and smiled and laughed. I hardly noticed Husband at the back.

Afterwards there were hot dogs, they taste better on firework night than any other night of the year. We each ate one, struggling with the soggy onions and the oozing sauce, mmmmm, they were very good indeed! Then someone wanted another. Husband went to get some more, he asked me if I wanted one, he used my name, not shortened as some of my friends do and he used to do, but all of it. It sounded so strange on his lips, sharp and unfamiliar. I declined, but strangely I realised that if someone else had asked me, I'd have probably said yes.

As we walked back to the car, Small Sprog and I glimpsed one more firework, a stray from another, more distant display. It exploded into a huge golden ball which shone and sparkled like a thousand golden stars, and then we heard the bang of it. It looked like it should have had a noise he said. He is a firework expert now!

The fireworks were some of the most beautiful I have seen for a long time, I loved sharing them with my children, but all the time I was looking up at them, I couldn't help thinking that I would have liked to have shared them with someone else, who wasn't there.

The green Post-it Note

In a shop after school yesterday, Small Sprog fell in love with a pad of bright green Post-it Notes. He looked at me in his endearing way and I fell for it instantly, buying them for him in a trice. "What on earth are you going to do with post-it notes?" I say as I reach into my bag for the money. He grins.

"Mummy, can I have something to eat?" He asks when we arrive home.

"I'll get you something in a minute" I reply, as I turn on the laptop in the kitchen and settle down to a little bit of reading.

I get absorbed reading this article and faffing around with Twitter.

A while later Small Sprog appears next to me in the kitchen. He -for once- says nothing. He doesn't need to. He stands and stares at me, trying not to smile. His presence is distracting, I give him a sideways look and burst into laughter. His face is hidden, his gaze cast downward, because, stuck to his forehead is a bright green post-it note. On the note, in his wobbly writing is

just one word...Hungry!

Just how does he think of it?

Things have felt good for too long now...

I can't bear that he's home again ( Husband has been away for 4 days) and I have to be in the same room with him and even speak. I can't bear his smugness. I can't bear that I have single handedly looked after this house for 9 years and now he thinks he can have it all for himself. I want to shout at him and hurt him, yet I have to be calm and say nothing. It has all of a sudden become a living nightmare from which I feel I cannot escape from unscathed.

I have discovered why Husband won't put the house on the market. He thinks he can afford to buy me out, but not even give me half of what it is worth. He also wants to have custody of Tall Girl every other week but not Small Sprog. How can he THINK of splitting them up like that? He wants 50% custody of Tall Girl and 33% Small Sprog. How can he care for them in the week? How can he be there at the end of the school day and be there to take them to school in the morning? Will he rely on childminders? He will have to. I am angry, and very very sad. HOW CAN HE? I can't contemplate loosing my children, but I suppose he feels the same. I have sacrificed a career to be there for them before and after the school day, and all for what? For him to let them be 'latch key' kids. I will fight, but I am terrified. I am crying

Confusd of Suburbia

All back to school today, including myself. Well, it should be. Tall Girl is fussing about feeling ill. She has no physical signs of illness, no temperature, no runny nose, she has not been sick, she is eating and went out to Guides last night. If anything at all she may be a little overtired.

I have the distinct feeling she is trying to miss school, but why? That is the bit that worries me. Is it a particular lesson she is trying to avoid, is there homework that she hasn't completed? She is a closed book, she will not let on. At the breakfast table this morning Small Sprog piped up, as I was trying to sort her out, "Perhaps she's being bullied" I have to say I think this is doubtful, as she seems to have really enjoyed school recently but I guess I should take it into consideration.

As he said it she burst into tears. She said she was, and then she said that she wasn't, she said she was being teased but couldn't tell me why. I suspect its all to do with having a boy friend, she doesn't know I know about him. When I ask who's teasing her she says it is her best friend. I get cross, mostly because I don't know what to believe. I suggest that she crosses the best friends name off the party list for next week.

So Small Sprog and I are off to school, and I am letting her stay at home. If I thought she was really ill I'd stay at home with her, but I don't think she's going to vomit or pass out. However I am uneasy about the whole thing. I am cross with myself that I didn't make her go to school. If she gets away with it today will she try to pull a sicky again? I don't like her missing a whole day for nothing, and will I disbelieve her next time when she's really ill? Am I cross because she's got the better of me?!

Confused of

PS. I missed my 400th post, this is my 402nd!