Playing the game...

We went to mediation this week. I have been dreading it, the final one and so much at stake. This was our last chance to agree on a settlement without going to court. We reached an impasse. Husband says he might as well go to court and I think he would rather pay the solicitors than me. He is insisting he can't afford to buy me out, he is still offering me less than half. That offer was on the table well over six months ago, nothing has changed. I don't know what to do

There is a chance he is bluffing. I need to wait, play the game...

Yet I had hoped that today would be the end of it. That today I could walk away and know where I was financially, plan my future, our future and finally, finally, be divorced. Because not until after the finances are settled, can I get that little bit of paper that says I'm free. It wasn't until I realised today that we are still so far from that moment, that I really realised how important it is for me to have that closure.

He will always be in my life, because we have two lovely children and we need to be civil and see each other for their sakes, but to be free and independent, even though I will be totally broke, that is something I really want badly. If we go to court it could be another year coming. Can I really let that happen?

A big sigh

"Where is Tall Girl?" asks Small Sprog for about the fifth time this evening, "When is she coming home?"

"Not until tomorrow" I sigh "She's at Daddy's tonight"

He puts out his bottom lip. No matter how the much they argue and bicker, they do love each other very much. No matter how many times I hear one or other of them screaming at the top of their voice "I hate you!" I know that deep down the love is so much greater.

Poor Small Sprog. It hasn't really dawned on him yet that Tall Girl gets to visit Daddy's house every other Wednesday night, but that he is not included. I don't like it. In a way I would rather that they both went, even though I do not want to be without them, so that they would be together and not feel that one was having something the other was not. It hasn't dawned upon Small Sprog that that is the routine yet because the last month or so has had 2 weeks school holidays in it and we have not really got into a proper routine of every other Wednesday, until now.

In bed tonight, when he asked for her again, I stole myself and asked "Would you like to go to daddy's every other Wednesday too, with your sister?"

"No" was the instant reply "I want to be with you"

I am flattered and glad and pleased, yet it is sad. And if he had said yes, Husband would have taken a lot of persuading. I have already tried to arrange it for Small Sprog, thinking he would want to, it fell on deaf ears. It all just makes me want to do a big sigh.

And as I sit here writing into the night, I can hear Small Sprog gently snoring and I know how much I love him and that he is here and that he is mine...

The message

The sweet pleasure

That moment when you read the words

The little flutter in your chest

The intake of breath

Heart stopping

"I love you"

It works every time.

My Guitar Hero!

This morning Small Sprog has his first ever gig! He, in his guitar group, are giving a small concert to parents at school. He is excited and nervous.

My Guitar Hero!

Go Small Sprog!

PS As he ate his breakfast earlier he said "This is going to be the biggest moment of my life!"

I guess all Guitar Heroes start somewhere

In the shower

As I put Small Sprog in the shower this morning I noticed a large scratch on his side. "Oh look" I said "what have you been up to?" He hadn't noticed his scratch and was very interested in it!

I left the bathroom, giving instructions to use soap and went to tidy his sisters room.

Not long after, there was a shout from the bathroom. He hasn't mastered turning the shower on and off, so I dashed in to assist. As I wrapped him in his new blue towel he said "My hair is very soft at the moment"

"Is it?" I replied

"Yes" he said "It must be something to do with the scratch on my side"

"How can it have something to do with the scratch on your side?" I laughed

"I think I'm turning into a weir wolf at night!" He said seriously

A Weir Wolf? Sometimes I think he lives in a totally different universe to mine!

A good weekend

I have just had a fantastic weekend, spent with a friend who I have known for a very long time. We used to spend time together years ago, but while I was married it was hard to get to see her. So this weekend we met up, shopped, ate and drank and were merry, it was such a tonic. I know she will never judge me, we have known each other too long and been through too much, for all that sort of thing. I don't think there is anything I couldn't say to her. A true friend indeed.

Anyway, I was itching to tell Mum all about it, so after she texted me this evening I said I'd give her a ring back. The call went something like this:

Me: Hello

Mum: Did you get my text?

Me: Yes, texted you back saying I'd ring you

Mum: I only just texted you

Me: Yes, I know. Did you have a good weekend?

At this point she told me about the concert she'd been to and then tried to bring the conversation to a close.

Me: I had a good weekend...

I was ready to launch into the details, when she said 'Yes thank you' and rang off!

I think it must have been time for Eastenders.

Sometimes I don't know why I bother, really I don't!

Social Pariah

Am I feeling over sensitive or am I becoming ostracised from my 2.4 children friends? Perhaps ostracised is too strong a word?

I have several groups of friends, and one group in particular has always been very close. We met when pregnant with our first babies and have met regularly and kept in touch ever since. However, things seem to have changed, the atmosphere is different, the talk is different, there is an elephant in the room.

We all still chat about the same things, children, school, too much to do and not enough time, ageing parents, blah de blah, all the personal stuff except, except, no one asks me about my relationship. I regard two of these people as close friends, and spent a lot of time with one today. We went through all the usual chat, and unusually she did the lions share of it, not once asking me about my life. I have a good friend calling in tomorrow too, it has been the same with her.

So am I being over sensitive? Are they worried about asking? Or am I just not on their radar now that I am a single mother with a lover. Does my life seem so far removed from theirs that they don't know what to say, are not interested, feel threatened? I know we all lose friends during such times but I really don't want to lose these. I am still me, the same me I always was; though perhaps not the one they used to see, the' settled in a safe relationship with two lovely children' one, the one living a dull life in leafy suburbia?

I listened today to my friend talking about her comfortable life, two children doing well, financially very secure, two holidays booked already for 2010, and thought, yes, maybe I am off their radar now? I thought about mounting bills and making ends meet. Perhaps it is them that are dipping off mine?

Because I am bored!

Now I know that sounds ungrateful but I am really BORED! Perhaps it is because I have been having a ball of late, or perhaps I am not taking my own advice and living for the moment, but right now I'm not in much of a moment!

Tall Girl is bored too, so is Small Sprog, but he is watching TV so that has ameliorated his boredom for now. We have been out today, briefly and we have had fun, but now it just feels really boring! This evening I have suggested a walk, cooking, making things, but all to no avail. What we all crave is company and that is the problem. Everyone else is out having a good time! Yep, absolutely everyone in the whole world! You must know that feeling? You ring your friends and they're out, you text and no one answers, you read peoples blogs and they're off to somewhere warm and sunny, I've even been on my Facebook page, and I have to be pretty bored to entertain that! No one is on Google chat, not even my Mum, even she's having fun somewhere!

Sometimes it does you good to have a good moan!

(Do you know, I really am looking forward to going to sleep tonight!)

What did you do today?

In the park

It is late. Small Sprog has been chastised for whinging on about opening the present he knows is waiting for him at home. He has spent the whole day at his grannys whinging about going home to open it. Even when we sit in the park; in the beautiful warm sunshine, which has been much too long coming this spring, and eat his favourite ice lolly, he is whinging.

"Remember the words of the song" I say to him "About living for today because you never know what's going to happen tomorrow?" We have had this talk before, I want them to learn what it has taken me so long to realise. Living for the moment, enjoying each minute. Although, now I come to think of it, I have not been that good at it over this last week myself. He nods soberly and licks his multicoloured lolly.

As I am saying the words I realise myself how precious that moment is. Both my children with me happily eating ice cream, Mum at my side doing the same. A sunny day, no work, no school, health and happiness. I look at Mum. She has slowed recently, she does too much some days, it takes it out of her, and she worries for me too, I know that doesn't help. She is a precious constant in my life, though we grumble about each other on occasions. One day we will not be us 4, but I can't say that to Small Sprog now as he jolts me out of my melancholy with "Can we go home now!"

Sleepily, in the back of the car, Small Sprog mutters one more thing about his waiting gift before we arrive home. "Do you know what my best present would be?"

"No" I reply, equally weary.

"A happy family"

"Mummy and Daddy together you mean?"

"Yes" says Small Sprog

He will never get that present now. Hoping is a very sad thing on occasions.

Mum has a new phone...

Mum has a new phone. Oh joy. I have been on stand by over the last week or so to sort out the various 'glitches' in usage. No she doesn't have an iPhone, nope, it's just a bog standard £10 phone, but to her, it's a whole new ball game.

To be fair it has been mostly Tall Girl who has been her technical support through most of the journey, but today it was my turn "When I put in 'mum' "she says puzzled, "it reads nun."

"Yes" I reply "That's the predictive text. You know? You just have to scroll down to the other options and you'll find the word you want"

"Oh"

"You know, just like your other phone?"

She looks a bit blank.

"There's 3 letters isn't there, for each number? You can make lots of words from the same keys, like 'home', 'good' and 'gone'."

There was a spark of recognition. Fab I thought, we're getting somewhere. Then she said "Oh yes, I had those words on my old phone too..."

Sometimes she's so cute!

Who knows?

Is there anyone who knows, early in their lives, just how things are going to turn out? Is there anyone who knows what they want to be, where they will go, what they will become? I guess there are some? The Driven, those who force their way through life, or are so gifted that they hardly need to try at all. Yet is it still chance that they make it? Is not every twist and turn of our own lives, not to mention anyone elses whom we come across, a happy accident, a twist of fate, a cruel joke, a miracle? How do we know which way to turn, which path to choose when it really matters? We make choices, rash decisions, go with the flow...

When I was 13 I thought I would be famous! Who doesn't at 13? I thought that when I got to 40 my life would be over. Give me a pill, I thought, what could be worse than getting old, grey, loosing your looks, loosing your marbles? It never really occurred to me to have a plan, well, not for longer than the normal teenage attention span anyway.

So as I find myself at the age when my former self would have had me euthanaised, things are looking a little different. And yet I still make the same mistakes, and am still uncertain...