Almost daily diary!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Trouble and strife. A day of two halves.

This morning Husband and I went to another mediation session. I felt that I didn't say very much while I was there. I have this fight or flight response at the moment, all I want to do is run away from the whole situation, if I had no children it would be possible, but as it is, I feel completely constrained, with very little room for manoeuvre. It seems the only way to 'run away' is to be silent and withdraw. I can't seem to help it, inside I have a voice but letting it out is giving a part of myself away, or that is how it feels. However......

Perhaps that is why I completely 'lost it' tonight. I became very angry and shouted at Husband, he shouted too. I surprised myself at how much anger just spilt over, I don't know where it came from, years worth of it I guess. I don't usually do that sort of thing, though of late it seems to spring up too easily. Small Sprog was in earshot, though not in the same room. I am ashamed of myself, he was very hurt to hear us. He said he didn't love mummy or daddy anymore. The mediation woman said that would happen, that the children would feel anger about their parents splitting up. I cuddled him, told him I loved him and that none of it was his fault. He said if we split up he would run away, he is trying his best to make everything right in the way that he wants it to be. I suggested to him that sometimes, when parents live separately, they are much happier and don't argue anymore, I'm not sure he understood. Then I left him to play, that is what he wanted. Husband went out.

At tea time Tall Girl was back. I explained to her what had happened, that we argued and Small Sprog got upset, though he was indignant that I told her, but I wanted her to know the score, I'm not sure what they share together. By this time Small Sprog was back to his normal self again and so was I. But it is all under the surface, always there, for me and possibly him too. I settled down to play a little Mario Kart and some Starwars with him, (very badly!) then, before long, it was bedtime. We read together in bed and laughed a bit. Did that make up for the hurt? It has been another emotional roller coaster of a day.




18 comments:

Steve said...

You've all had a tough day - you and the kids. As long as they know what they are still loved they will cope. I think you handled it well. Kids need to see that even their parents get stressed and emotional... better than everything being swept under the carpet and people ignoring the fact that they keep tripping over it.

Liz said...

I guess these things will inevitably happen. Your kids will survive. you will survive. Husband will survive. Just hang on in there, keep reassuring the children that your love for them doesn't change - I know you'll do that. And wait.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

it IS a rollercoaster..all of it....life...family...marriage.... friends....

it will all change, but be sure to know that even the best of it all is a rollercoaster, be it varying measures of loveliness...

breath in and out, measuredly and repeatedly, everything else shall follow....

congratulations on 'both' your special anniversaries!

Rose said...

It's always hard for children to understand this kind of change in their lives at first, but you are taking all the right steps, Suburbia. Reassuring both SS and Tall Girl that you will always love them and be there for them is going to help them get through this.

It's hard to repress feelings for long without them exploding at some point. Better to get them out rather than let them make you ill!

Maggie May said...

In a way, Suburbia, I think this is more healthy. When feelings are suppressed all sorts of bad things can happen.
Children are resilient but can pick up withdrawal symptoms and also temper very easily. They know what the score is. They are too young to understand really what it is all about but they will accept it and get through it.
Take courage. Harder to stay with some one that you don't love than to split, probably.

Polergirl said...

Children are more resiliant than you could ever believe. Do what is best for you, and if you are happy and content the children will pick up on that and be just fine too, whatever the circumstances.

Kitty said...

It mightn't be such a bad thing, you know. Much easier for a child to understand that adults don't get on if he actually hears them arguing, rather than just being told it had happened. My son still talks now - 2½ years later - about hearing his dad and me fighting. It's his way of reinforcing to himself that things needed to change.

Don't beat yourself up. Showing your kids that we all have emotional days isn't a bad thing - it helps them know it's ok for them to do it too.

x

Mean Mom said...

My husband and I tend to argue very little, but when we do it's a real humdinger. It's a difficult balance, isn't it? It's not good to argue about every little thing. It's also not good if you don't argue at all, because, then, it usually means that resentment is building up somewhere. I think that women, in particular, will try not to 'rock the boat', when there are children to be taken into consideration and, sometimes, I think that this is done subconsciously.

I found that when my children were younger, if my husband did something to upset me, I wouldn't say anything in front of the children and then, when the moment was past, it often didn't seem worth mentioning later. Interestingly, since I've been in the menopause, I've brought up things which go back for years!!

I do feel that both you and your husband should feel a little better, for getting at least some things out in the open. Sometimes, it is surprising how differently a man and a woman see their situations.

I'm sorry that small sprog overheard, but it doesn't hurt for children to understand that EVERYONE argues, sometimes and that it's not the end of the world, when it happens. You said all of the right things and he was obviously OK with it.

I think that your mediation sessions are going well. OK, so you didn't say much at the time, but you certainly made up for it later!

Jennysmith said...

Hi sweetie. You are going through it. Must be strange sitting there and talking about your marriage to a stranger tho' i've heard its a very positive experience.

Don't worry about Little Sprog. He knows you and his dad love him really.

Tried to pass on my email number to you. Kind of failed - will try again. xxxxx

A Woman Of No Importance said...

'Burbs, you are doing all you can - It is very human to emote (you would be a robot if you didn't), and children cannot be protected from hostility between their parents all the time, in terms of overhearing little spats, so try not to worry.

Your damage limitation mechanism seems to be in full power mode, and I wish you congrats on your two bloggiversaries, and wish you every success as you travel forward and move on...

Children are more resilient than we ever give them credit for...

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

You have fight, flight or freeze mode.
You want to fight, you want to flee, but your instinct is to clam up.
The only way to get strength to ask for things, is to get so angry that you can fight.
My husband refused to leave because I only ever screamed my desire for him to go and he blamed it on temporary anger.
My counsellor suggested that I tell him calmly, and without emotion, in front of her, that I no longer loved him and wanted him to leave...
and it worked!

The kids had to suffer a lot of shouting before I learned that - and I felt terrible about what it did to them.

Akelamalu said...

Children can take break-ups very badly but they usually cope better than adults in the end. x

Letty Again said...

Kinda agree with all the previous comments......

We rarely argue, however, when we do, it is a BIG THING.......

And there have been times when the kids were younger they were in earshot of it all.

Don't feel guilty or sad, this is a rough sea you are going through, and there are bound to be times when you feel angry.

Children soon "forget" and move on to sunnier shores....take it from me!!

Letty ;0D

the eternal worrier said...

Keep going with the children the way you are. Lots of cuddles and stuff. It’ll work itself out in the end.

Not Waving but Drowning said...

You're bound to be sailing into choppy seas but it'll be worth it. There'll be calmer waters ahead.

Keep strong,

GG

cheshire wife said...

You probably feel better for letting off steam. I am sure that it must be distressing for the children to see you and your husband arguing but hopefully it will help them to understand why it is better for you and him to separate.

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Oh dear, it must be hard. Sending you a great big bloggy hug. Just remember, nothing is permanent. Someday you will feel peace again. x

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

You and your family are in my prayers, my dear Suburbia.

This too shall pass.


Scarlett & Viaggiatore