My children

Today I am aching for my children, though they are still here with me, tucked up in their snugly beds. I can feel my heart strings starting to tighten, because the day after tomorrow they are off on a camping trip, with their dad, for the weekend.

He has taken them away a lot recently and I have felt ok about it, but this time seems so much worse. I guess I'm feeling this way because it is the first camping trip of the year, they have not been camping without me yet, and I want to be with them. I want to be with them to make sure they are warm at night, to make sure they are not frightened of the dark, and to make sure they are safe when playing wild and free. I know he can do this, I am just finding it hard to relinquish my responsibility. 

Small Sprog wants me to go too. He doesn't understand, and I have realised that I do need to explain things to him more. It is finding the right moment that is tricky. Tall Girl asked if she could do some cooking with me this weekend. She had forgotten that she would be away. I would have liked to have cooked with her. 

I have come to realise that there is only ever enough time in the world when I'm alone, and then I don't need it.

Update: Thank you for all your comments. By a twist of fate, I have the whole day to spend on the sofa today with Small Sprog! He has been sick a few times, so can't go to school and is still feeling washed out. I hate it when he is ill, but I can't help thinking how nice it is to have time to snuggle on the sofa with him today with nothing else to do!

Hopefully he will be well enough to camp later this weekend, he does enjoy the freedom of it. And I will enjoy my weekend doing other things, it's just the letting go that's hard.

Tagged!

I have been tagged by Reasons to be Cheerful.

1.What is your current obsession?

Trying to get my life straight!

2.Which item of clothing do you wear often?
Knickers! 

3.What's for dinner?
Roast Pork 

4.What are you listening to?

Someone else doing the washing up!

5.Say something to the one that tagged you.

Thank you ;-)

6.Favorite vacation spot?

Somewhere quiet, secluded and preferably warm without any rain!

7. What I'm reading right now?

Brave New World by A Huxley and Stig of the Dump!

8. Four words to describe myself.

Tall, restless, curious (some may say nosey!), vulnerable (at the moment)

9.Guilty pleasure.

That would be telling!

10. What do you think you will feel about your life when all is said and done?

I hope I will feel fulfilled

11. What do you look forward to?

Spending time with people whose company I enjoy

12 Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak?

Children, not always my own!

13. Best thing you ate or drank lately?

Bubble and Squeak from a jar!

14. Flower of the moment?

Apple blossom

15. Favourite ever film?

Love Actually (sad but true!)

16.Care to share some wisdom?

If only I had some to share.

I would like to tag anyone who reads this that would like to have a go!

Angels

My neighbour called in on Tuesday. She and her husband have been on a 5 week cruise and they both look very well and happy. "I won't stop" She said as I opened the front door "I just wanted to say thank you for looking after the house while we were away"

"That's sweet of you, but I haven't really done anything. You look well. Did you have a good time?"

You know the sort of thing, the way that sort of conversation goes? Then she said "And how are you?" And I burst into tears! She is a wise old bird, though not awfully old, and was very sweet and kind. I am lucky to have her so close.

Later that day I received a lovely long email from a far away bloggy friend, which also cheered me up and made me feel much better. Both these things happened out of the blue, when I was having a very 'down' day, and all of my usual 'shoulders to cry on' were busy with their own lives. And it just made me think a little. It seems that, sometimes when you are down, little angels are  sent to look  after you. Sometimes all you have to do is wait a while and weather the storm. 

Do you have angels? 

Bored suburban housewives of the world unite!

Last night I, unwittingly, lost my Small Sprog. The nit children's mother from down the road phoned to ask me if I knew where he was! Gosh, what a bad mother I am, I had no idea he was missing. Her son had seen him leave there house, and a few minutes later, went out after him and couldn't find him anywhere. We visited the usual families in the street that he often goes to, and no one had seen him. Tall Girl was almost in tears, fearing he had been taken by aliens, she confessed later, (She has her mothers mutant Star Trek gene!), but I was trying to be rational. He had walked out of the nit children's house voluntarily, no one had snatched him, he must be somewhere. Then Tall Girl had a thought. He might be at Gabriel's house (the angelic one who Small Sprog thought was a girl). Gabriel only lives part time on our road, so we'd forgotten to check there.

We raced down the road and knocked on the door, but there was no need, he was half hanging out of the upstairs window grinning. "Come down here at once!" I shouted at him, just as Gabriel's mum opened the door (I suspect she thought "fishwife"). Then I had to explain to her what was going on whilst explaining to him that he should always let me know where he's going. But, anyway, all was well.

I hadn't talked to Gabriel's mum before and she asked me in while we exchanged phone numbers, in case it happened again. Her kitchen was chaotic and she explained how she was cooking dinner for her book group that evening. "That's funny" I said" I have book group at my house tonight"

"What are you cooking?" She asked politely

"Crisps" I replied (we only require wine usually, no need for food!)

"One of my group writes food articles for the Times" She boasted "So I always get a little stressed about cooking for them"

I smiled politely, thinking that wine and crisps were quite easy to muster on a school night.

"What book are you reading?" She enquired. I told her the name and the author of our ordinary 'Top 10 Best Seller List' read and then returned the question. I wish I hadn't asked! I can't remember the title now, or the french author, but it was way more high brow than ours.

Later that evening, when my lot were chattering away (mostly not about books!), I mentioned the other book group meeting up the road. I wondered how in depth their book review was.

"Funny that we should all be doing the same thing on the same evening" I said

"Oh, I saw someone pop in there when I arrived" Someone else chirped in "She had far to much make up on to come to this book club!" 

Maybe we're not all quite so united after all!

Malt Loaf

I'm trying not to blog today! You can see that my will power has won out against all odds can't you? I am trying not to blog because I feel miserable! Feeling miserable is not good. I woke up this morning feeling that everything ahead is insurmountable, there is so much to get on with, but all of it is out of my reach and seemingly out of my power.......

Last night I was feeding Small Sprog some supper. "Would you like some Malt Loaf?" I asked him. "BUTTER-ON-IT" the whole family shouted!

This has become a family phrase, brought about by something on a home video. A video of Tall Girl when she was about a year old, or perhaps 18 months and not so tall. She had a passion for Malt Loaf. Husband was filming her, one tea time, when I passed her a slice of Malt Loaf. She was sitting in her high chair, and I, trying to juggle the usual tea time stuff, forgot to butter it. "BUTTER-ON-IT!" She screamed at the top of her voice, all caught on camera for posterity. She was so little, but so cross that I had had the audacity to pass it to her unbuttered, that the whole phrase, said so indignantly, made us all explode with laughter.

We probably would never have remembered that moment in time unless we had 'caught' it on film. It is only the re watching of it, over the years that followed, that has made it 'stick' in our heads and made it a family saying. 

The video camera didn't last long. There is not much film of Small Sprog past the age of about 3. I wonder what gems he came up with over the years that we have missed or forgotten? Although in the last year, having written this diary, there are lots of things I have recorded of his, that I would not remember now, if I had not written them down.

............As I was duly buttering his fourth slice, at supper time last night, I thought about the baby videos. Precious memories, along with photographs of happy times and captured milestones. They will all have to be split up, those happy memories on film and paper, split up, divided between us, cleaved apart, broken. Perhaps it is not the material that is bothering me today, but the significance of it, I am sad.

Well you did ask!

Apparently I need to 'enlarge' on the conversation with Small Sprog yesterday:

"Muuuum?"

"Yes"

"What would happen if you had sex with a nit?" (I don't think he meant me personally) Whatever goes on in that boys mind?

 "Well, I think they are a bit small for that" I say

"No, a GIANT nit!"

"Oh" the mind boggles. "I just don't think it would work sweetheart"!

Thank goodness that satisfied him.

Another conversation from yesterday:

Mum: "What is Tall Girls favourite meal?"

Me: "Wraps"

Mum: "Rats?!"

Me:"No mum........

On a similar theme, having taught mum to text, she is doing very well. This morning I was woken by her replying to a text I'd sent yesterday afternoon - she will keep turning her phone off! I replied back, blearily, saying thank you, and that it was raining. She chirpily texted back that it was raining there too and that she was about to get into the bath!

Now that is the funny thing about texting isn't it? She would never have phoned to say "It's raining and I'm about to have a bath!" But texting that sort of information seems perfectly normal, and in a way, I like it much more because of that.

However, a while later she texted again. This is what it said:

Dad has seen a very rare sight (she is referring to my step father here), two robins having sex on the bird table. It made her hungry, ha ha! Mum.

Can you believe it?!! Text savvy for less than 24 hours and that's the sort of thing she's sending me!

What was your last text message about?

Today I have:

Amongst other things,

Taught my mum how to text (Phew!)

Persuaded Small Sprog that interbreeding between species is not a good idea (don't ask)

Watched Tall Girl perform her dance moves.

Put up with a hellish bad mood from Husband (I wish he was gone)

A letter from my Father

Well actually it was an e mail, bless him, I just like the way he writes.......

Hi Sub

Thank you for the Easter card, it was nice to hear from you. I was getting rather worried, I though you had fallen off the edge of the planet!

I guess you are on holiday this week. Its strange the way things work out, we will be at Cranford Crematorium, down the road from you, for a funeral on the 23rd of the month, (pity it's not this week!) Its a cousin of Chris's who I have only met twice, both time at funeral's.

We didn't go away for Easter as we are saving our pennies for the cruise next month, and at last it has become dry enough to get the garden organised, so guess how our Easter was spent....

Have you ever tried writing on the computer with a fat moggy on your knees, who at times adds the odd letter for good measure and sings very loudly? The other cat is sat on the chair next to me, looking fed up because he didn't get there first. It's not easy and not good for my back, having to lean over him.

Hopefully we shall be able to meet up some time and if it's after our holiday we can show you our photos of life around the Baltic.

Seeing its well after 11pm I guess its time to close.

Thank goodness the " Fat One " has decided to get down on the floor, he's not stupid he knows Chris will be out of the bathroom any minute now, and that means cat supper time.
Love to all...
From Dad and Chris.

Sweet huh? Mind you, we did spend over 30 years of our lives not knowing where the other was, so falling off the edge of the planet was a bit strong I thought!!! (I didn't mention it though)

Remembering

Quite a while ago I remember thinking that lots of people I knew were going through traumatic times. They were troubled by family problems, illness, death, financial worries and so on. I can remember, at the time, counting my blessings and thinking how lucky we were, yet knowing deep down, that a time would come when there would be troubling things in our lives. I always expected the problems to come from the older generation, illness and poor health of parents seem to get more common as ones children grow up and need less attention. I can remember thinking all this, a few years ago, never imagining that it would be me that initiated the 'Bad Thing'.

While thinking about this I also remembered, few summers ago, how Husband commented on a father holidaying with his two children.
"How sad" he said.
"What is?" I had replied
"He is on holiday with his children alone. He must be divorced"
I remember looking on and thinking that perhaps the mother was just working or doing other things and that the holiday was more of a happy event than Husband had assumed. I also remember thinking that Husband talked as though he was taking a glimpse of his future, before our future had become completely apparent to me. Perhaps he did realise how things were here, deep down, even before I voiced my opinions.

And now he has just come home from a brief spell away with our two children. A holiday taken with himself as sole carer. The children seem to have had a happy time, was he as sad as he thought he would be a few summers ago? I have no idea.

Au revoir

I had breakfast in a jar on Wednesday, well it was a second breakfast really, I forked it out of the container and into my mouth, in large dollops, when I arrived home from platform 7. Yes, I know this all sounds odd, in fact it was very odd. No one in the world has ever brandished a jam jar full of Bubble and Squeak at me in a train station before (it was still warm). It was a going away present. This isn't making sense is it? You sort of had to be there to appreciate the event. Anyway, suffice to say, it was delicious and although I was carrying something fairly unidentifiable stuffed into a jar, I didn't get arrested trying to leave the platform with it hidden about my person!

Moving on

Tuesday afternoon was spent walking with a friend and her son who is Small Sprogs best mate. For much of the way Tall Girl walked with us, i pod stuffed in her ears, but completely up to date with our conversation in every way! However, on the way home she broke into a trot to catch up with the boys, so my friend, Mother of Two Boys, and I could chat in a more unguarded fashion.

She expressed complete surprise at my current home situation, though she has been aware of it since January. We haven't spoken much about things before. "You were the perfect couple" she said a few times, trying to make sense of the situation.

It is a while since anyone has said this too me, and it always takes me a back. Were we? I guess at some point in time we must have been, but it still seems funny that people should have that opinion of our lives. What is the basis of their judgment? I want to ask, who is ever perfect?

When this happens I start to question myself. Was it really that good? Have I completely lost my senses? And as I dwell on the last 15 years of my life, it seems that I have grown up and changed more than I could ever have expected to, and yes, it may have looked that good from the outside, it may have even been that good from the inside, for a while. But now there is nothing left, no connectedness, and from where I am standing it is a very bleak landscape indeed. Goodness me, how things have changed, and how right I am to have made the decision to leave.

I can see her struggling with the idea. She has been married for just as long and it's never been an easy relationship. Perhaps my circumstance makes people uneasy about their own relationship. If ''The Perfect Couple'' can become disenchanted, then what's around the corner for anyone else?

But do you know what? There is no perfect. What they saw was not the reality, and for all the arguments and tough times that Mother of Two Boys has come through, their relationship is far more real than mine ever was, they connect, they touch and they still care about each other.

And as for what is around the corner, well, does any one of us ever know the answer to that one?

So now that you think you know all about me, you should know just one more thing. During the turmoil that has become my married life over the last few months, I have met someone else who has become very important. I just thought I should let you know.

It's a Sprogs world

Small Sprog is attending a 'Marine Archeology' course this week. I wasn't sure he'd stick at it, but he seems to be enjoying it a lot. There is a highlight tomorrow apparently. One of the girls who is taking the course is going to put on her whole underwater diving kit so that the children can see what it all looks like. Once she has done this, apparently, they (the children) are going to 'blow her up'!

(I think he means inflate!)

Thursday Things

Small Sprog wanted to 'wrestle' before bed tonight! This involves throwing him around on his bed whilst he giggles and pretends to be fierce! It is great fun and a long time since we've played like that. It makes us both laugh and I'm sure he remembers, somewhere deep inside, how I used to lay him on my tummy when he was little, and roll him form side to side and laugh and sing to him. Perhaps that's why he's such a happy soul, mostly.

Tall Girl, however is becoming more of a teenager by the minute. She threw a strop before school today and gave me a look that could kill, rather than saying goodbye, as she left. I didn't let her get away with it, but I fear there is more where that came from. Tomorrow I am taxi servicing her and her friends around in the afternoon (they finished for the holidays today). I don't mind doing it at all, but I don't want to be taken for granted. I have a horrible feeling that it goes with the territory?

PS. I went to the solicitors today ( leaving the dwarf outfit at home) but when I arrived and started to talk to her, she suddenly realised she couldn't act for me because she had already spoken to Husband. How annoying (and odd too because she had been recommended to me, and was not easy to find). Apparently their computer should have acknowledged the conflict of interests when I made the appointment, but someone had spelt my name wrong, so it didn't show up. I should have gone as Grumpy after all, because I was afterwards, VERY!