Just another day

Today I should be feeling better but I'm not. The weekend feels like it was a distant dream, I was carried away by it all, the loveliness of it and the contentment. Instead I have a little dark place in my heart and it keeps making me cry.

So here are some blessings to count, indulge me if you will as I must have counted them before;

Two beautiful healthy children who love me.

A mother who would do anything within her power to help me.

The possibility of working more hours in September in order to be able to support us.

It is a beautiful day outside.

There must be more things but I am having trouble thinking of them.

This afternoon Tall Girls best friend and sister are coming over for a sleepover. I am bracing myself, although the four of them get on well and are never any trouble. The major plus side of this event is that Tall Girl has had to clean up her room. There was barely floor space for one extra body in there let alone three! She has done a great job and hoovered too. If only I'd known weeks ago that to get her to clean up would be so easy!

More than just post weekend blues.........

After a beautiful weekend, it was bound to happen. My return to earth was fierce and brutal and when you are as high as a kite you have so much further to fall.

Moving between two lives, one as a Mother, Daughter, General Domestic Help and potential Ex- wife, and the other as Lover and Single Female with not a care in the world, is hard enough at the best of times. It gets harder each time in fact. It messes with my head and, on my return home, my realities fluctuate wildly for a while. And then, suddenly, all that I am certain of falls away, like scales from my eyes, and I am left with the stark reality of everyday living, with no one to talk to who could possibly understand the enormity of it all. I only have myself to blame. It is so easy to be carried away on moments of happiness even when you keep telling yourself that there is another life out there waiting to gather you up and spit you out again.

Today I am lost. Today I have realised how easy it is to lose it all, but nevertheless, whatever happens, my plans for the children and I to be self sufficient one day will play out to the end.

The weekend....

Sometimes one is lucky enough to inadvertently fall into a perfect weekend. I'm still living mine.

How was your bank holiday?

A Tall Girl Post

Last night, after getting in from my exercise class (if you can call it that!), Tall Girl was still up and about. I was so pleased to see her. I had picked her up from school, dropped her at drama and picked her up later from dance, before depositing her with Husband so that I could go to Pilate's. We were like ships that passed in the night.

As I walked through the front door she asked if she could show me her new dance moves. She did and eventually we danced together, though neither of us really knew the steps! After a few goes around the room she took off on her own in a 'baby giraffe' type of way! I call her that sometimes, my Baby Giraffe. And as I watched her tall gangley body trip around the room I was reminded of when we first moved into this house. I can remember sitting about on Sunday mornings, watching her practice her 'ballet' steps to unsuitable music, hoofing around the table in much of a similar fashion as she did now. She was four years old when we moved here. Wow how she's grown.

It was late by the time I persuaded her to go to bed. We sat on the floor in her room talking girly stuff for ages. We don't get enough time like that, just the two of us. Precious times indeed.

Sometimes.....

There are places in this house that are hidden, secret places that I cannot get to. There are locked drawers and fastened tight doors. I don't like it.

There are things said that have motives behind them, there are times when I know I trust too much.

There is a time, every day, when a car pulls up onto the driveway and I physically tense. A sigh releases from my mouth, involuntarily. I wait for the key in the door.

I am waiting. I am stuck. I have been told that I risk everything if I leave now, legally I need to stay put. 

There are moments when I have to speak, when all I want to do is ignore. There are times when I have to look at a person I no longer wish to see.

There are emotions in me which I don't recognise, which I despise in myself. There are times when I want to hiss and spit, cat like with fur flying.

Tuesday nights are my time alone at home with my children. I get respite until 10pm. 

Having put them happily to bed I settle down with a glass of wine, sink deep into the sofa and load iPlayer on the TV. 

At 8.40 the car drives onto the driveway, I wait for the key in the door, I curl up and sigh.

There are moments when I am not myself.

Small Sprogs world

I picked Small Sprog up from school today and presented him with the fact that we had to go and get a new tyre for the car, before we went home. Usually he hates having to do 'jobs', and just wants to get back and relax. However this was different. A chance to go to somewhere where he could inspect tyres and look at cars, hmmm, absolutely no complaining at all!

Once at the garage, Small Sprog was out of the car like a whippet! He carefully followed the 'tyre man' around the car, kneeling down and inspecting each tyre as he went. By the time he had finished his hands were almost as black as the 'tyre mans' (I briefly wondered, if the 'tyre man' managed to get all that black stuff off his hands every night, or whether it was a build up over time!)

Anyway we all waited in the, thankfully not too crowded, waiting room. Small Sprog wanted to go and watch the whole thing. I took him out to have a look but he felt a bit shy and came rushing back in. For a few minutes peace reigned. Then he realised he could shunt his chair across the tiled floor if he rocked his body backwards and forwards. Off he went, shuffling the thing across the waiting room, rocking in the most demented fashion. I glanced at Tall Girl, everything he does in public embarrasses her! She was not amused,  and I wondered if my expression matched hers.

"Can you stop doing that?" I asked politely

"Just once more?" He asked, wearing one of his most winning smiles

"Just one more time" I replied

And goodness how he milked that one more go. It was ingenious really. He could maneuver the chair anywhere he wanted to go. Tall Girl and I watched as he shuffled forwards, left, and then right, carefully avoiding the vending machine, before ending up back at our sides but the wrong way around. We all looked at each other...........and exploded into laughter. He certainly looked very pleased with himself!

And then I thought, well, I suppose he is a boy, and one day he'll be playing 'beat the flush' and lighting his own farts! So, in a way, this was a fairly harmless way of passing a few minutes.

On the way home Small Sprog piped up from the back....

"Mummy?"

"yes?"

"How many atoms are in an ant?"

For a minute I thought we were talking '80's bands again!

On the way to the shops.........

"Mummy, can we listen to that old '80's music in the car?"

"I thought you didn't like it"

"I want to hear it again"

"The B52's you mean?"

"Yes" (small pause......) "Are they dead now?"

"I'm still breathing aren't I?!"

(Oh to be 12 again!)

A mothers work........

A little while ago I wrote about having angels, how special people suddenly turn up when you most need them, lend a shoulder to cry on, show you the way or cheer you up. Well, today, I hope, I have repaid my debt a little and become and angel myself, no matter how small.

When I returned home from picking up the children, there was an older lady outside my house, pushing a baby in a pram, up and down the road. I smiled and she spoke. I let the children in to the house and went over the road to talk to her, and my goodness, how she needed to talk.

Her daughter, who lives not far away, had just had her first baby and the lady I was speaking to was the mum, come to do her bit for her daughter. But it wasn't going well. Her daughter hadn't slept for nights, was short tempered and upset. Gosh we've all been there! Dealing with the first new born certainly didn't come naturally to me, it was absolute hell for a good two months or more until I learnt to be a mother, less important, more giving, sacrificing all you crave for for a tiny little bundle. 

She was distressed, this other mum, the one who had come such a long way to pick up the pieces. It was all so different in her day: "We always put the baby on its tummy" She said "Now you have to lie them on their backs, what happens if they're sick?" 

She was in that awful position of trying to keep all her 'outdated' knowledge to herself, trying to keep the piece, trying not to interfere but wanting so much to help. She was a long way from home with no one to talk to. 

So she talked to me, for ages! I listened, remembering how difficult it was, knowing that it would get easier, and that her daughter would become closer to her mum in consequence, realising that one day I may be in her shoes if Tall Girl 'produces', knowing that everything takes time.

As she left she thanked me for listening. She looked a bit better and I wished her luck. 

Today I hope I gave a bit back, it felt good.

Children

"I love you mummy" said Small Sprog in the car earlier today. "I'll always be your little boy."

 My heart melted.

"But you don't have to worry about me when I'm grown up!"He continued.

"I will always worry about you, even when you're my age" I said

"She will always want to know you're happy" replied my Mum, with feeling. She knows I have things in my life which make me extremely happy. She knows I have a  lot of stuff to get through. She still asks 'why' a lot. She still worries about me. I count her as one of my best friends.

Tonight has been a dancing in the kitchen night (Mum has gone home). Husband is out, the loud music went on, and we danced until bedtime (which for Small Sprog is about 8pm!) We are good together, just the three of us. It's nice to 'let our hair down' once again.

The weekend

The children have had some 'down time' at home at last. Yesterday afternoon we all went to the local park, which has just had a long overdue renovation, and they played happily for hours with friends, whilst I and Mother of Two Boys, greedily munched on some tasty nougat which she had brought along for the purpose!

Today, Tall Girl and Small Sprog have been around and about the street with the Nit Children. They've played on their bikes, they've swooshed about a lot of water and got out the 'spud gun'! It's been a beautiful day and 'playing out' is just what they should be doing. However, today I have felt lonely. 

When I am in the house by myself I never feel lonely. I positively love it, and I'm fairly happy in my own company most of the time. But today I have not been alone here. Husband has been in all day too, and to have him here is not relaxing. I am on edge. I can't find a quiet spot to breath easy. I feel lonely but am not alone. I think the loneliness comes from the empty space that gapes between us. I am not regretful about that, I have so much more now, than I had before, but I am impatient to get through it all and move on.

Sometimes, when I forget that I have so much to be thankful for and forget that I have had such wonderful good fortune to have two healthy children and some very special and caring people in my life, something pulls me up sharp and reminds me to enjoy the positive things in the' here and now'. This time the something came from one of those special people, by e mail, I hope he doesn't mind me sharing:

"I love getting up early. It's such a delight to meet the possibility of the day before it arrives and then all the potential thereafter is free. 

Taking delight from whatever you can muster in any given minute is quite refreshing."

Makes you think huh?

PS. Thank you to everyone who has commented recently, especially regarding solicitors. It is in their hands now, though I suspect it will not happen quickly.

I wonder?

Having had a fairly acrimonious day or so with Husband, when I saw him this morning, just before he went to work, he informed me that he had booked his summer holiday, and that it was on the calendar.

After he had closed the front door I took a look. More than two weeks in the middle of August had been crossed off and scrawled upon "Cornwall with TG and SS". More than two whole weeks. He knows that he can do what he wants, he is taking them away for more than half of the next half term. He also knows I will miss them. 

I work part time in a school so that I can care for the children after the school day and in the holidays. When I wanted to get some full time work, I asked him if he could guarantee he would look after them for 2 weeks in the school holidays and he wouldn't 'play ball'. It would be hard to work in full time employment with only 4 weeks holiday if he didn't cover some of the long summer holiday and look after them. It seems he wants the best of both worlds.

As I registered the lack of children in my life for two weeks I began to wonder. I wonder if he's asked them whether they want to be away that long? I wonder whether he is going away for so long, more to spite me, than to enjoy his children?

This is a rant, borne out of frustration, sorry! 

Oh my goodness I have just reached for pen and paper to make a list!

Now, this may not seem like much to get excited about, and you'd be right, in normal circumstances.

I was a list making person once. They were everywhere, and I gained great satisfaction when I could cross the things off that I had achieved. Most of it was day to day running of the household type stuff, lots to do with the children's activities, things to do and remember for them, nothing very exciting. 

However, since January, since I have been in this strange half life of extricating myself from Husband, I have not been able to make lists. I couldn't make lists because my head was all over the place and I couldn't see further than the end of the day sometimes, let alone the end of the week. Being disorganised is part of  the process of dealing with major changes in your life. Feeling more organised is another step forwards. There is still a long way to go, but even so, today is another milestone! 

The first casualties

20 months ago I picked up two lovely bunnies from a rescue centre in Wiltshire. We (the children and I) had been asking for pets for years and one morning, at breakfast time, we were all whinging on about having rabbits (though I wanted a cat) and Husband suddenly said, "Well why don't you go ahead and get one then?"

I remember that Saturday morning, we were all very excited. We trawled the web for re-homing centers and came upon one in Wiltshire, run by a very dedicated but totally loopy woman who lived and breathed bunnies (as I'm sure you have to when you do that sort of job). The web site was very exciting. There were lots of photos of all the bunnies available, little bits of text about them and loads of info about what they needed in day to day care.

We didn't rush in straight away. We took our time, did some research and waited for the right pair of bunnies to become available! 

It was a warm sunny day when I went to pick them up. They were lovely and warm and bunny cuddly. The children were at school and I knew how pleased they would be to come home and see their bunnies at last.

That was 20 months ago.

The children's enthusiasm wained gradually, as I knew it would. I took on the responsibility of looking after them without question. I always knew it would be up to me and I re-homed them knowing I could look after them, 20 months ago.

But now things are different. They, the bunnies, are the first noticeable casualties of this family breakdown. I am being practical, in the future there may be no room to keep them, and believe it or not they cost a huge amount of money to keep. So it has always been part of the plan to sort them out somewhere else to live, if they were still alive that was. And they are very much still alive and kicking.Today I spoke to the re homing centre again, she said she could take them in within the next three weeks or not until September. So, this Saturday, I will take them back. The children don't know yet, though we have recently discussed the fact that the bunnies may have to go.

I know rabbits are by no means anywhere near the most important thing to sort out in a marriage breakdown, but to me it is one little symbolic step towards moving on. Yet I can't help remembering that when I brought them home, 20 months ago, I took on a responsibility that I now, have not fulfilled. 

Yet somewhere, perhaps not so far away, there will be a happy little family trawling through the web pages of the re-homimg centre, excitedly looking for bunnies to adopt, waiting for the right ones to come along. Strange how things turn out.