Sometimes I worry abut what I am doing to my children. I worry about what memories they will grow up with, memories about me, about their life. Will they remember this last 9 months above all else? Will they remember how mummy goes away a lot now? Will they remember me being cross? Will they feel abandoned?
Today I am torn. Husband is away, as he was last weekend and I have the opportunity to spend 3 nights in with my children and 2 sunny days together. Last night we watched a film and had popcorn together, but today they don't seem at all bothered about what they do, they are happy to sit around watching TV, and Tall Girl is happy on her PC as I am on mine. But I am torn. Shouldn't I be 'entertaining' them? I have suggested various outings. They don't seem to mind what they do, but I feel guilty if I don't 'provide' them with a lasting and fun memory.
Later today mum is coming to visit. Part of me wishes she wasn't. I am torn again, trying to 'entertain' her and also 'be there' for the children. She wants to sit and chat, I feel I should be 'doing something' with Small Sprog and Tall Girl.
Mum is coming primarily to babysit so that I can go out tonight. Yesterday I broke the news to Tall Girl "But it's X Factor on Saturday night" She moans "I want to watch it with you"
"Well I'll watch the first half with you before I go out, and you can watch the end with Granny"
"But I want to watch all of it with you, it won't be the same with Granny"
And I know what she means. And I feel guilty. I should be here for her. Husband is rarely away and I don't get the chance to sit with her in front of the TV very often.
But I want to go out, I want to live my life, yet at the same time, I am acknowledging that I do that often these days. I feel selfish. I feel I am doing the wrong thing for everyone. And even as I am writing this I know I am just seeking permission.
PS. I went out, after putting Small Sprog to bed, leaving Tall Girl happily tucked up on the sofa with her Granny. She was happy, I was free.