Almost daily diary!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Hope (a not very Christmassy post!)

Husband has agreed to mediation, thank goodness. Mind you he has just paid his solicitor a HUGE amount of money from our joint account for work done so far, so that may have concentrated his mind!

Tuesday nights he is usually out, but the class he goes to is finished until the new year, so I knew my one night in with the children alone was not going to happen. I was not looking forward to it. Tuesday nights are my brief respite from him here at home.

Anyway, tonight he wanted to 'talk' about custody arrangements. We never talk, but tonight we did. He still wants what he wants, and thinks a court would ok it. I had had half a bottle of wine at this point, so was able to let it wash over me, though I did say what I wanted, and reminded him that mediation is about compromise.

If we go separately to our first appointments with the mediator and they think that one or other of us will not budge from our position, then they will send us straight to court.

I told Husband that I had no desire for court, but if it did go that far, neither what he wanted or what I wanted would be taken into consideration. The court decides what is right for the children, not the adults. This seemed to surprise him. I wonder what his solicitor has told him? Perhaps he is being badly advised?

The wine worked wonders though, and enabled me to tolerate him for the evening. We all sat to eat together, which doesn't happen much now, and the children like it when we do. He even mentioned that he was eager for this all to end now, and that it was time we both made a new start. A year on, you bet it is, for all our sakes! What he said was music to my ears but, in the back of my mind, I know it will be on his terms, both for custody and financially, I can't let that be. I hope he is telling he the truth and not trying to manipulate me. Time will tell......


Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

One step at at a time. This is progress :)
And you are right. The best needs of the children will be considered. Hopefully they might also be consulted to some degree?
How woudl you handle 50:50 shared custody? Is this a financial possibility? I know it can affect benefits and rquries a huge joint effort from both parents... but it would mean they have to stay together? Can you show some itnerest in exploring all options at the first mediation?
Good luck

Suburbia said...

I don't want to lose them 50% of the time Fi, and financially it would be crippling, though how awful is that that the law puts a price on their heads?

nick said...

No no, it must not be on his terms, it has to be a mutual agreement. You must insist that whatever is worked out is fair on both of you.

His surprise about the court suggests his highly expensive solicitor is not explaining his options properly. But good news that he's agreed to mediation and he's keen to move on. Hopefully you can sort things out without going the formal courtroom route.

Maggie May said...

This is my second attempt. The first time the mouse froze!

Sounds like things are moving. If it takes a half bottle of wine to talk then so be it.
Talking about the trauma of a court case might be the thing it takes to meet you half way.

Hope things can be resolved amicably.

Nuts in May

Chic Mama said...

At least he's agreed to the mediation.....has he ever asked the children what they want? Because that is what the court will ask.
What a weight on your shoulders but at least he wants it all concluded now.
Thinking of you, take care. CM xx

Steve said...

I think you're right to be cautious... but evenso, things at last appear to be moving which can only be a positive thing.

Elizabeth said...

Poor old Suburbia.
At least you talked.
Maybe a court would be fair.
Totally depends on the personalities of the judge etc of course.
Do hope you manage to be a little festive and that the new year will find all this hard stuff behind you.

Rose said...

This is a ray of hope indeed! I hope that he considers compromise so that this can be settled in mediation rather than going to court. Sometimes I think solicitors/lawyers tell their clients what they want to hear so that they can continue to charge them. Maybe the cost of all this will convince Husband, if nothing else will.

In the meantime, keep a bottle of wine handy!:)

Jennysmith said...

Poor sweetie, what seems hopeful has a dark side. What is he playing at?

I am rooting for you. xxx

Furtheron said...

I hope it works out well for you as it goes forward.

French Fancy said...

It does sound like a little bit of reason has crept into his world and it was good you could sit and eat together. If it takes wine to make you relax enough to let him into your space well, don't overdo it, but stock up with some good red :)

Do the courts ask the children which parent they would like to live with or is that just in films?


Suburbia said...

If they're old enough, the children will be asked FF. How can you expect a child to choose though? they both love us both, what a difficult situation to put someone so young into? They have been brought up with a sense of fairness, I think they would see a 50/50 split fair and agree to it even though that may not be what they want. It is my fear that they will just do what they think will make us happy rather than what they really want. I went through something similar at Tall Girls age, I tried to please my mum, I still regret the decision.

Lakeland Jo said...

I am hoping that 2010 will be a much easier, happier and more positive year for all of us. I am thinking about you and praying for you and your lovely children XX

Suburbia said...

Thanks Jo x

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

personally, after reading this, I think you should have had a bottle of wine!

oh my, good luck with this, it is certainly not been an easy path for you Suburbia!

Why, if he is a 'loving' father does he so so seem to want 'custody'.

I fail to understand him.

Your friend Letty x

Kitty said...

A barrister told me "it's amazing how many men are perfectly happy for their wives to look after their children, until they split up, and suddenly she's not a good mother anymore".

It was sound advice. He was telling me that the Courts aren't silly. They are used to fathers wanting things all of a sudden.

Standard "custody" (now called Residency and 'contact') is for the kids to live with their mother, and to see their father every other weekend, and for one night in the week every week.

Stand by your guns. x

Hadriana's Treasures said...

All I can say, Suburbia, is to stick your guns. Nice for the wine and food to do its work...but..I can understand what Kitty is saying...

Here's hoping that 2010 will be a better year for all of us! Hxx