Almost daily diary!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Extraordinarily normal

How strange it was to be here, all together, on Christmas day. It was extraordinarily normal, helped by wine consumption I'm sure, but not unpleasant.

Cooking Christmas dinner with Husband was like going back in time, we functioned together like we always did, the children floated about, he called me by the name he always used to call me and I didn't notice until he corrected himself, it was indeed, extraordinarily normal.

It was a little like cooking with my girlfriend two days before. She and I have known each other 13 years, have holidayed together and we have shared each others space so many times before. That was how we were together, Husband and I. And I realised how we had been just that for so long, just old friends. I had no desire to touch him, in necessary moments I moved out of his space, as you would a girl friend, yet we functioned fluently together.

It was interesting to analyse, interesting to remember and know that, if I was older, I would perhaps have settled for that for the rest of my life. Lots of people do. My mother did, some of my friends have. No raging passion, no wanting, no feeling of wholeness or being truly alive, no longing or desire, just an amiable knowledge of someone you have known, a comfortable normality, discovered in a moment of calm.

Yet that is not enough, I knew it long ago and have been given a fleeting moment, by chance, to relive an old normality again. Comfortable yes, but this comfort is not for life, it was just for Christmas! There is so much more to a relationship than half a bottle of wine and some Christmas cheer. So much more.

Yet within it is hope. Hope that one day, when we live separate lives, in separate homes, that we can get on and function in a civilised and even happy way, because no matter what happens, we have two beautiful children, and that is what they deserve.


How was your day?

17 comments:

BS5 Blogger said...

What a thoughtful soul you are; always so very considerate of others, and so reasonable about it too.

Carol said...

I was thinking about you yesterday wondering how you were getting on! I'm glad it wasn't as bad as you had feared!!

I hope 2010 brings you peace, love, laughter and happiness

C x

Steve said...

Sometimes the "Christmas groove" is a real life saver when you need things to run smoothly... glad it all went ok!

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

such a relief to hear the day was not a wasteland of dislike and despair....when it mattered it worked...l'm sure then the children had a great day...

when I went to bed last night, reading, slightly flushed from a couple of G&T's mid evening...she texted me and said.'Thanks for a brill day Mum!'

I was happy....that she was happy, that she realised that I had made the day...she is 18 on Monday and suddenly I see such insight.

Over to my rock l think....

Suburbia said...

Keeping it together takes a lot out of us Saz, I don't think we always realise how much. Hugs to you.x

Elizabeth said...

So glad your day went well.
You are right that it is the best for the children
and I do hope in the future as you suggest that
you will be able to have a civilized even warm relationship when necessary. Our day was lovely with
our son, his wife and 4 day old Henry.
We were stressed, joyful, weepy etc etc.
Hard to relax round 2 hour feedings. Poor Kristin!
The baby slept through it all!!!
Good wishes for 2010

nick said...

Glad it all went better than expected. And glad it confirmed what you don't want - that stifling "normality" and "comfort". I couldn't imagine living with someone where that passion and vitality was absent.
Yes, I hope eventually you will settle down to a friendly and less tense relationship.

Chic Mama said...

So pleased for you. XXX

Dori said...

Yea for a peaceful, comfortable Christmas!

I remember reading that post--the one you shared regarding accepting your life as it was, accepting comfort over passion. And I recall thinking it was one of the saddest (tragic sad) things I'd had heard. Regardless of age, a life without passion is really no life at all. I know you're bogged down in it all right now, but the decision was the right one. And I'm happy that the two of you are moving towards an amicable, comfortable post-marriage friendship.

Here's to an amazing New Year!

Liz said...

I'm glad for you and I think it's a very positive step as we move towards a New Year and a new life.
Sorry I've not been around much: life has been crazy.

xx

the eternal worrier said...

What a beautiful post as usual Sub. Sometimes you remind me of my situation just a few years ago. Christmas harmony for the children, just for the day.

Rose said...

I'm so glad Christmas turned out so well for you, Suburbia! I admire your attitude--your children will do just fine with parents who care so much about them, even if they don't all live in the same house.

Furtheron said...

Glad the day wasn't too bad.

Happy New Year.

French Fancy said...

Oh I'm so glad it was better than you expected it to be. It just goes to show - what, I'm not sure, but it must be something profound :)

Let's hope that 2010 sees a year of amicable break ups with no battles to stress you out.

family affairs said...

Well done for getting it all right for the sake of the kids Lx

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

I love it that you see beyond what you are standing in. Good woman... wise, deep, wonderfully good woman.

My best to you and yours this holiday season.


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

Very thoughtful and insightful post!

I am going to write about my day soon, too long to include it here, but it was a good day.

So pleased yours turned out ok, for you all, funny how things we worry about, often turn out not to be so worrying after all isn't it?

But I think you are quite correct in wanting more than this.

Letty ;0D