This week.....

The mobile library has just trundled up the road, it is white with a lovely rainbow painted on the side. Seeing it always gives me a sort of fuzzy warm feeling. How strange! When I was little I used to think it would be fun to live in a bus (Goodness me I'm blogging about buses again!) and the mobile library seems to have that same potential. Sort of cosy, is that odd?

Anyway, yesterday I spent a lovely lunchtime with Liz from 'Finding life hard'. It was great to see her and strange at the same time. How often do you meet someone for the first time, yet know so much about them, much of it quite personal? She was just as I expected, quietly spoken, kind and caring. I enjoyed meeting her very much, and it made me think again, how keeping this online diary has affected my life in so many ways. Thank you Liz.

Other news: This week, at work, I have to dress up as a dwarf (as in 'Snow White and the'.....) It won't be easy being a dwarf at 5' 10'' and a bit. It is the same day I have a solicitors appointment to start the ball rolling regarding a divorce. Do you think I need to take a change of clothes to work?!!

The weekend

It is an absolutely beautiful day today, the sun is shining and there is much warmth in it's rays. Husband has been away since early Thursday morning and the house has felt a happy place to be.

On Friday night I fed curry to some of my close girlfriends, well they fed themselves obviously, I just cooked it! It turned out to be a much later night than I thought it would be, with just a little more wine consumed than would have been sensible. I reveled in the pleasure of being in a room full of close friends.

Mum turned up yesterday lunchtime. She came armed with flowers from her garden and some leftover cake! We had plenty of time to sit around and chat, which was good, mostly because she wasn't in a worrying mood. She will only come now if I can guarantee that Husband will not be here. She won't phone here either. I can't quite get the reason for that out of her, but it seems a shame.

She babysat the children last night, so that I could go out, which was kind of her and a rather lovely evening for me.

And today? Well, mum has gone, and the children's friends have just called for them, so they have both gone out to play. I'm pleasingly home alone. Husband will be home this evening and the feeling of freedom will disipate slowly throughout the afternoon, but for now I shall make the most of my time. I think I shall take my book into the garden and relax in the sun. You can bet the moment I sit down, though, that the children will be back and wanting food!

How was your weekend?

The dentist's waiting room

I went to the dentist with the children late yesterday afternoon. As we approached the front door, it sounded more like a nursery school than a dentists surgery. We went inside.

The waiting room was almost full and my heart sank. Small Sprog is not good at waiting. I had no need to worry though. We had no hope of being the center of attention today, that honour was going to go to another mother, the mummy of 3 boys !

Her eldest, who was probably about 9, was sitting on the floor trying to do, what looked like, homework. He was being quiet and good. His brother, perhaps about 7, had a colouring book and a huge tub of felt tip pens (gosh, she must pack for every occasion, I thought) However he was not happy. He wanted to write not draw. "Use the back of the colouring book" said The Patient Mother. "Noooooo" came the reply. He wanted to have 'proper paper' like his brother.

While she was fielding this situation the youngest brother, who was sitting on her lap, was shouting "It doesn't work, it doesn't work!" At the top of his voice and brandishing his Nintendo dangerously in front of his mothers face, his legs kicking furiously and only missing oldest brothers nose by a hairs breadth.

"Use the back of the colouring book" She quietly repeated as middle son scowled at her. She tried to sooth youngest son. The 7 year old then took matters into his own hands and ripped a sheet of paper from his eldest brothers homework book! "Mummmm!" Shouted older brother, and so on......

I couldn't help but stare incredulously, I tried really hard not to, I mean, well, we've all been there; Grumpy children, tired and end of dayish, small room and ages to wait. And I wasn't staring with disapproval, no not at all, it was fascinating! The Patient Mother had a serene, almost saintly, look about her, I was agog. She was unruffled and cool as a cucumber. How did she mange it? As mothers, at one time or another, it has happened to us all and I have to say, I don't think people had ever stared at me, in a similar situation, for my serene looks and saintliness!!

Sadly, not long after we sat down, she was called to room 2. She picked up youngest son with one arm and rammed things in a bag with the other, at the same time she asked middle son to put all his pens away and older son to pick up his homework, whilst simultaneously herding all three boys towards the treatment room door. She managed admirably. In fact she ought to have had a medal for her stress free performance. How did she do it?

Suddenly, I realised my jaw had dropped open. I closed it rapidly, just as Small Sprog began to wail "Mummm, I'm bored!"

The patter of tiny feet!

For quite a while now I have been sleeping in the attic room, here in suburbia. I am happy up there, it is light, airy and spacious, although it is damn chilly sometimes. However over the last few weeks, the mornings have been getting lighter and the birds have been getting noisier. Now I quite like most birds, most of them.....except Wood Pigeons (and Collared Doves).

Lets take Wood Pigeons, nasty things, nasty habits and even nastier is their incessant noise. When I was little my mum told me that they say "My toe hurts Betty". It was quite funny when I was young. However it is the sort of phrase, that when you know it, you can't forget. So now, here I am, years later, being woken up in the morning by bloody Wood Pigeons complaining about their toes. Not just them, but the Doves have a shortened version. Apparently they have no friend called Betty.

They wear boots too. You can hear them. They thump across the roof, just above my head at 5.30 in the morning, with absolutely NO consideration for those that may still be sleeping. You can tell by the pace that they are running, I mean, for goodness sake, they have wings! What is the point of running if you have wings? Stupid birds.

And then there's the constant copulation (them obviously, not me) and the way they feed their babies. Have you ever seen them do that? The babies just thrust their scrawny little heads down the adults throat. Ewww! They really are nasty birds!

Catapult anyone?

Parents evenings

The last two days have provided two consecutive parents evenings. Small Sprogs was on Monday and Tall Girls parents evening was late this afternoon. Small Sprog has one teacher, she is perfect for him and he loves her in return, it was a successful and positive appointment (despite his dyslexia, which we all fight a constant battle with!)

However today I lost count of how many teachers I saw with Tall Girl. It was all a bit of a 'bun fight' and I could have done with sharpening my elbows a bit before arriving because the hot seating took skill and judgment, but if all else failed then elbows would have done just fine! Obviously we had appointment times, however some teachers didn't have enough slots, so they encouraged you to 'fit in any gaps'. Easier said than done in a hall full of similarly minded doting parents!

Anyway, to cut a very long evening short, all was well and we saw more teachers than we had appointments for. They were all very positive and lovely people. I was so pleased to see how much respect they had for Tall Girl, which obviously leads to a mutual response. Their positive feed back to us and to her made us all feel very proud. She is a very shy person and doesn't have a lot of confidence in her abilities (damn dyslexia) she needed the boost of being publicly praised for her work. However all her teachers commented that her target for next term must be to put up her hand.

As we walked out of school towards the car, I mused that if I could get a very long stick down the sleeve of her school jumper tomorrow morning, (providing she could get on the bus in that condition) then she would successfully reach all her targets in one day, leading to a huge achievement and maybe even some sort of award ceremony!

Needless to say, she didn't find it funny.

Mothers Day

What could a mummy want more, than to hear the words "I love you mummy" from their beautiful boy? Accompanied by several large hugs. Tall Girl is more reserved but Small Sprog has been a sweetheart today, he has pulled out all the stops! He can charm the birds from the trees, he charmed me from day one.

How was your Mothers Day?

Cake porn!

I indulged in Friday afternoon tea and cake with a few girly friends today. It is a great treat rarely indulged in these days.

We gathered in Single Mothers kitchen on arrival and proceeded to discuss a plethora of subjects, ranging from spots (our own), underarm hair (our children's), hormones (most of us), waxing( V's other methods), to washing(clothes), adolescence(our off springs), laying patios(well there were workmen in the garden), laying turf(they was quite fit), and furry willies (you have to have seen the e mail to appreciate that one, thank you Kitty!)

Single Mother of Two filled the kettle and then opened the cake box.
"Mmmmmmm" we all chorused!
"It's rhubarb and custard Swiss roll" She trilled
"Ooooh!" Everyone replied
"From M&S"
"Ahhh!"
"Not just any Swiss roll then?!"
We stared at it for a while.

After she poured the tea, we 'retired' to the comfy chairs and the sofa. Single mum offered the cake. We all took a slice each and bit into it in unison.
"Mmmmm!"
"Ohhh!"
"Aaaah!"

These are the noises of appreciation of the perfection that is a sunny afternoon with tea and cake and good friends.

A phone call

My (ex) Mother in Law rang tonight, which was strange, because she rarely rings, especially midweek. Husband is away, so I couldn't hand her over to him. She is 86 and always ailing (though I suspect she will live for a long while yet!!) and for that reason, she has not been told that our marriage is over, though she will have to know sooner or later, and I am pleased that it is not I who will have to break the news.

It felt strange talking to her. I haven't seen her since Christmas, and I remember, as we drove away from her house in December, thinking that I would never visit her there again. That was even before I voiced my opinions, about ending our marriage, to Husband.

She is blissfully unaware that things are different and we had a lovely chat, or rather she nattered on, and I listened. I did so happily, she felt lonely and I was happy to be there for her. However it did feel strange. I was half thinking, whilst she was talking, how the rest of that side of the family have disowned me and would never ring to talk to me again.

She asked me where Husband was. I realised I had absolutely no idea, so I had to lie and say I'd forgotten what he'd said. In truth I didn't ask and he didn't volunteer the information. He rang to say goodnight to the children tonight. They both 'field' his calls now, I didn't speak to him.

After I put the phone down I texted him in case he wanted to call her back. I have no idea if he did.

Conversations with my Small Sprog

Small Sprog was sitting on the toilet this morning, swinging his legs backwards and forwards, not a care in the world, while I am trying to 'hurry him up' before we're late for school.

He is in a chatty mood. I need him to clean his teeth and get his shoes on, ready for school. He is in the mood to sit there until his legs go numb!

"Mummy?"

"Yes"

"What's constipation?"

"Nothing you will ever have to worry about my sweet" I giggle "You could poo for England!" I'm sure he poos out more than goes in, if you know what I mean!

"But I heard you telling Tall Girl she might get constipated"

"Yes, that's because she eats junk and doesn't drink enough" I retort "One day we'll turn up at the bus stop to pick her up and there will just be a pile of dust on the pavement because she's completely dehydrated!" At least that would cure the constipation, I thought to myself!

"Mummy?"

"Yes"

"What's dehydrated?"

"Oh, just hurry up"!!!!!!

Goat, you must be kidding?!

This is for all those who commented about eating goat (from my last post), and I have to say it was delicious indeed. Not at all 'goaty' as I'd expected (that sort of after taste that you get form goats milk and cheese), and because it was cooked slowly, it was very tender. In the pot with it were; fresh herbs (coriander and dill), tomatoes, onion, red peppers, fresh spinach and black eyed beans, oh and quartered limes and chilli's. It was yummy and the company (no kid's present!) was also very good.

It has been a beautiful spring day here today and I have savoured it all. It seems such a very long time since the sun shone its warmth on to my skin, there is so much to look forward to. I do hope it will be a good summer.

PS. What noise do goats make? (live ones obviously, cooked ones are fairly quiet!)

Do they bleat, baa or something else entirely?

Saturday stuff

I rang my mother this morning and now I wish I hadn't. I was having a perfectly lovely day, not thinking about any of the 'rubbish' that is going on in my life right now, and all of a sudden, she wants to 'know how things are'. She keeps doing that! Perhaps she forgets that I have gone over 'how things are', with her quite a few times now. 'But what about the children?" she keeps saying. 

Some days I don't want to think about that.

The children are at their cousins this weekend, the cousins have 'disowned' me, they are on Husbands side of the family, but I know they will all have a great time.

As a consequence of them being away, I am too. Tonight I am going to eat goat for the first time! Yum!! What's on your menu this weekend?

Trouble and strife. A day of two halves.

This morning Husband and I went to another mediation session. I felt that I didn't say very much while I was there. I have this fight or flight response at the moment, all I want to do is run away from the whole situation, if I had no children it would be possible, but as it is, I feel completely constrained, with very little room for manoeuvre. It seems the only way to 'run away' is to be silent and withdraw. I can't seem to help it, inside I have a voice but letting it out is giving a part of myself away, or that is how it feels. However......

Perhaps that is why I completely 'lost it' tonight. I became very angry and shouted at Husband, he shouted too. I surprised myself at how much anger just spilt over, I don't know where it came from, years worth of it I guess. I don't usually do that sort of thing, though of late it seems to spring up too easily. Small Sprog was in earshot, though not in the same room. I am ashamed of myself, he was very hurt to hear us. He said he didn't love mummy or daddy anymore. The mediation woman said that would happen, that the children would feel anger about their parents splitting up. I cuddled him, told him I loved him and that none of it was his fault. He said if we split up he would run away, he is trying his best to make everything right in the way that he wants it to be. I suggested to him that sometimes, when parents live separately, they are much happier and don't argue anymore, I'm not sure he understood. Then I left him to play, that is what he wanted. Husband went out.

At tea time Tall Girl was back. I explained to her what had happened, that we argued and Small Sprog got upset, though he was indignant that I told her, but I wanted her to know the score, I'm not sure what they share together. By this time Small Sprog was back to his normal self again and so was I. But it is all under the surface, always there, for me and possibly him too. I settled down to play a little Mario Kart and some Starwars with him, (very badly!) then, before long, it was bedtime. We read together in bed and laughed a bit. Did that make up for the hurt? It has been another emotional roller coaster of a day.

A year with Suburbia (still awaiting escape!)

I've been blogging for a year. (I wonder how many hours of sitting here staring at the screen, that that amounts to?) Can you believe it? The year has passed so quickly and I think (know) it has been a catalyst for change in my life. Anyway, I've been so busy blogging recently that I missed my bloggyversary( 3rdMarch). Useless creature! And I was so looking forward to a party! So, seeing as my inspiration is low, and I've missed the date anyway, here is my first ever post . I'm sure you have far too much to do to read through it all, but suffice to say, this time last year, I had no idea what was in store! And here is a defining moment .

Something has changed, lots of things have changed, but I think the most important thing is the fact that I am no longer reliving the past, but am looking forward to the future, sometimes with trepidation, but looking forward nevertheless, whatever it brings.

Kitties always land on their feet.

I am fairly ashamed of myself for getting so low yesterday! During this strange journey, I have managed to keep fairly positive, but yesterday it all crumbled. I am worried that I was not a good mother yesterday, though Tall Girl and I had a little retail therapy and later both Small Sprog and Tall girl and I did some drawing and stuff together. But when I woke up on Saturday morning, it felt that the weekend would last forever (and I remember times when I would have given anything for that to be so), I couldn't drag myself out of that feeling and tears came too easily. It is a bit like wading through mud. Each step has to be thought about and planned, things to fill the time, things to make sure Husband and I can avoid each other.

Later in the morning he walked into the bathroom while I was just getting out of the shower. I hastily wrapped my towel around myself and scowled "What?" I was indignant, gone are the days when we all waltzed in and out of each others spaces unannounced. I wanted to say - what do you think you are doing? I am not yours any more, keep away - but it took me by surprise. Next time I will have the words ready, next time.

Thank you for all your kind words yesterday. They kept me going! Also special thanks to Dori, who pointed out that kitties always land on their feet. I shall keep that thought close.

Saturday

Navel gazing

It has been an odd week! For a start I have blogged about buses (!), but in truth there has been a fair amount of stuff going on, and it already feels like Friday.

This week Small Sprog lamented his age! He said he didn't want to grow up, he likes the age he is now. I remember, when I was younger, feeling that I never wanted to get any older. I wanted everything thing to always stay the same, so I understand how he feels, but I have the knowledge that big things will change in his life at some point soon, and I wonder to myself how he will cope.

On the other hand Tall Girl has just become a 'woman', if you get my drift! A whole new part of her life ahead of her and she seems to be taking it all in her stride. (Now I understand what all the tears were about at the beginning of the week!)

I was talking to a work colleague today, who is going through a rough patch with her children. We came to a conclusion that when you are little, younger, you believe that eventually life will be perfect. As time goes on, you realise that the perfect bits are interspersed with difficult bits, but that this is just how things are.

Life has dealt me quite a complicated hand right now, and it is full of huge problems but also some very good things that I thought would never cross my path again. I am grateful. This is life, the rough and the smooth, I just seem to be experiencing them both together at the moment!

The School Bus

Tall Girl endures a 45 minute bus journey to school and back every day. It has become a happy part of her routine (after a bit of a rough start) and there have been some lovely friendships made along the way. However the bus, itself, is not entirely the best bus in the world!

Apparently it has no heating, the seats are damp, there is moss growing on the inside of the windows and there are never enough seats (it also has no ears to speak of!). I have tried to speak to her on her mobile, several times, while she has been on this journey. It is almost impossible to hear anything at all, the whole bus is always in constant up roar, and they seem to have regular food fights upstairs. For all this excitement and luxury the bus costs me £20 a week.

Today she reported that the bus stopped abruptly on the main road, almost ricocheting them through the front window. Tall Girl thought they had hit something. The driver (who is so huge, it is a miracle that he fits into the bus at all) loped out and lifted up the bonnet (can you call it a bonnet when it is on a bus? Is the engine in the back? She didn't say, and being of the female variety, that sort of information is not at my finger tips!) Anyway, apparently he fiddled around a bit and eventually they were on their way again. Much booing ensued I think!

When I picked her up from the bus stop today we followed the poor old crippled thing down the hill. It's a dirty old bus. It has a very unkempt appearance, it's blue and yellow livery strips, look retouched by hand, and the whole thing appears to list gently to the right. I wonder, briefly, how old it actually is, if buses need MOT's and whether, given the opportunity, it would take itself quietly off to a little bus scrap yard somewhere by the sea for a well earned retirement.

OMG, I have just blogged about buses! Well I guess it has been a very trying day.

I am eating chocolate!

It has been a beautiful sunny day today, spent in good company. The sky was blue, the sun was warm and my mum phoned me on my mobile phone! Can you believe it? Phoned me three times in fact, once because she could, another time because she pressed the wrong button and the last time to ask if I knew someone called Jane who she had just phoned by accident!! I told her I didn't, ( why does she think I should?!), but I would delete the number next time I see her. Heaven knows what may happen if she finds the 'delete' button for herself.

Tomorrow morning Husband and I have a counseling/mediation appointment (the imminent prospect bringing on the rapid disappearance of a small bar of chocolate just now!). It will be interesting to see how that goes. I am hoping that it will help him come to terms with the current situation and that it may bring about some progress. Perhaps.

Right now I am attempting to arrange more pleasant things to keep me going over the next week or so.

The family day out

I was rescued from a family day out on Saturday by Tall Girls girlfriends. They arranged a shopping trip together, a first for all of them. It turned out to be a very happy day for all.

However a family outing was not avoided altogether. Sunday dawned bright and blue, so we went out for a walk together. The walk has the added bonus of a cafe at the end, which also acts as a sweetener for the children! We haven't walked this way for a long time. It seemed strange to all be together at the weekend, it has been 4 weeks since we have been so. The day was beautiful, there was lots to be thankful for but I felt a little numb and apart from things. My head was full of things I couldn't discuss with the children, I felt an outsider in my own territory.

At the cafe the children were particularly difficult with each other. Small Sprog wanted things he couldn't have (I could identify with that one!) and sulked a bit. Husband nagged Tall Girl and she sulked too! Were they picking up on my mood, or was it just that sort of day? I longed to be somewhere else, I felt trapped and I found it hard to concentrate on the present.

By the time we arrived home again there was still quite a bit of afternoon left. How slowly the day had passed. The nit children were out on their bikes, so the children were delighted to join them. That, of course left just Husband and myself in the house together. We are strangers together, skirting about each other, marking time. I felt that I was wasting time actually, just waiting for it to pass until the weekend was over. How mad is that?

So, I pulled myself together and made cake! I remember that my mum always baked when she needed something to cheer herself up. It sort of works, well, at least it passed the time, and the house smells wonderful!

What did you do to pass the time this weekend?