Almost daily diary!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Back to earth with a bump

I know I've written this before but it always catches me unawares. Over the last two weeks I have been without my children. I have not spent a huge amount of time alone in my house, but the small amount that I have spent here has been lovely. I have felt very 'at home' and not at all alone.

Tonight Tall Girl and Small Sprog are back. Their noise has filled the house and I have become a Mummy once again. Returning with them, of course, is Husband.

As soon as they are home I feel a huge sense of loneliness, a horrible dark place in my heart that feels as cold as stone. How can I be so lonely when the house is so full? The empty hours and days stretch out ahead of me. I should feel glad to see my children, I am glad, but I feel horribly constrained and all the fun and laughter seems to have seeped away. I hate this feeling, it has haunted me before at other times in my life, it always takes a great effort of will to stop myself from physically running away, and though I recognise it now and know it will pass, it doesn't make it any easier.

After dinner I ask Tall Girl if she wants to go for a walk. She does, and so we walk together and talk. It makes me feel calmer. She is bright as a button and full of news. She is mine again.

When we get home I tuck Small Sprog into bed and he hugs me tightly.

My children are home, but I still feel incomplete.


Steve said...

Sounds to me like you desperately need your own space to be you again without having to hold yourself back or curtail yourself.

nick said...

I think you feel lonely because you are not properly appreciated and loved by your husband, so it's like being with a stranger you hardly know. I'm sure your experience with Significant Other is very different.

Chic Mama said...

I don't know how you are managing to live in the same house as your husband. No wonder you are feeling oppressed. I couldn't bear it. You must be walking on eggshells.
Take care of yourself.

Carol said...

I don't think it's the children I think it's Husband returning with them that is the problem!! The sooner you are out of there in your own place the better!!

C x

Akelamalu said...

Obviously it's your husband being there that is the problem. I hope you find a solution quickly. x

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

Yes, I think you know where you want to be now, with Significant Other (and your children), not with your husband.

He does not deserve you, husband that is. I am no longer using capital H for husband either.

I also think you will feel better once things are "sorted" and you can both go your own ways.

Agony Aunt Letty......... ;0D

Marvin -The Hollow Hound said...

Hey Suburbia

You were so unbelievably near to us here.

My email address is on my dog blog profile.

If you email me, when you get a mo, I will let you know just how near you were. Passed near where you were staying just recently!!

Letty ;0D

Ladybird World Mother said...

So hard for you. XX

Rose said...

I'm catching up on reading some posts now that Daughter finally has an internet connection...Sounds like you had a perfectly wonderful holiday; I'm so happy for you! I think it's perfectly normal to feel a letdown now that life has returned to "normal." I know you love your children and are glad to have them back, but every mother feels constrained at times by the demands children make on her. At the same time, it has to be having to live in the same house with Husband that is really causing you to feel stress. I do hope he will be moving out soon; I think you'll feel much more complete and independent then.

Still in Oregon, but going home tomorrow. I've been helping Daughter unpack and put together furniture--I'm going to need a real holiday when I return!

Saz said...

Breathe deeply of the well of children...time passes and the well is in another or their room and unapproachable...

You are in a dark forest but soon, very soon you will see the light shining through the trees, promising green pastures, where you can roam free and easy...

FFF xxx

Maggie May said...

I can understand how you feel. You can be lonely in a crowd and not lonely when alone.
I hope you will feel settled soon. Things will work out.
School next week.

Suburbia said...

Hi Maggie, good to have you back......don't remind me!

Anonymous said...

Yes, I'm afraid you have to escape from the shadow of the husband.
Of course we never hear what he would say
but it sounds as if he loves the children very much
even if he cannot extend that warmth to you
just so sad
and you do need to be separate for you to feel joy again.
The children sound lovely!

Jennysmith said...

Sorry to come on so late, sweetie.

No, as you;ve seen, you can be as lonely in a roomful of people as you are in a remote cottage.

It doesn't mean you love your children any the less

Wish I could ease it for you xxx

Suburbia said...

Thanks Elizabeth, yes, he is a good dad.

Good to see you back too Rose.

Thanks everyone, as always for your views.

Hadriana's Treasures said...

I can imagine that living in the same house, when a relationship has broken down, must be unbelievably tense. Not sure how you do it. Hope things ease and get better for you soon. Hx